Haymaker’s alternate-reality prognostications for FOX UFC Saturday

Predictions aren't our strong suit. So, let's just get weird.

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We have absolutely no clue what’s going to happen at FOX UFC Saturday: Browne vs. Werdum. If we did, we would be in Las Vegas right now.

That won’t stop us from telling you what could happen in Orlando. Bettors beware. In some reality, Saturday night might look a little like this:

Yoel Romero vs. Brad Tavares

Yoel Romero is very good at hurting people.

Once again, Romero completely forgets he was a freakin’ Olympic wrestling silver medalist and remains standing against Tavares. Not like it matters, because Romero blasts Tavares with am overhand left midway through the first round and puts him to sleep. In the post-fight press conference UFC president Dana White proclaims that Romero is the best 36-year-old "prospect" since Randy Couture, except he doesn’t actually use Couture’s name, just a handful of expletives.

A dark spot could be seen on Romero’s fight shorts during the bout and some shmuck reporter asks him if he soiled himself. Romero says a crapload of curses in Spanish, which the interpreter translates to: "It was sweat."

Donald Cerrone vs. Edson Barboza

Donald Cerrone spends a lot of money on hunting equipment.

Cerrone finally turned his addiction to Cabela’s into a sponsorship deal, which is great since he won’t go broke now two months after every fight. Of course, that doesn’t stop Cerrone from asking to fight next in Albuquerque and San Antonio and Las Vegas and Japan and then Stockholm in the pre-fight press conference.

Barboza has other plans. He tenderizes Cerrone’s lead leg, but "Cowboy" keeps throwing. Cerrone is literally hopping around, so Barboza chops down the only leg he has left. Cerrone falls to the canvas, but as Barboza goes for the finish Cerrone transitions into a belly-down armbar. Barboza has no choice but to tap.

Not wanting to wait for the post-fight press conference, Cerrone goes all "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and cracks open some Bud Lights in the Octagon. Joe Rogan freaks out — beer on the canvas is way worse than some spilled ice.

Miesha Tate vs. Liz Carmouche

Miesha Tate vs. Liz Carmouche is going to be a serious scrap.

Tate and Carmouche made a pact at the weigh-ins that neither of them will attempt an armbar. Bad memories.

The fight is everything you would expect from the two best female fighters in the world who will never again get a title shot against Ronda Rousey. It’s a classic grappling match with Tate using her wrestling technique and Carmouche relying on her superior athleticism. The hard-fought battle goes a full three rounds and Tate is awarded the decision victory.

Afterward, in a joint interview Tate and Carmouche request a triple threat match against Rousey for the title. If the WWE can do it in the main event of Wrestlemania, the UFC can do it, right?

But UFC president Dana White says it won’t happen. Instead, he announces that Miesha Tate’s boyfriend Bryan Caraway will get the next shot at Rousey’s women’s bantamweight title after Alexis Davis.

Travis Browne vs. Fabricio Werdum

Fabricio Werdum is tri-lingual and that’s a blessing for the UFC.

Before the fight, Mike Goldberg reports that Werdum’s request to the Florida State Boxing Commission to wear a biker helmet during the fight due to Browne’s elbows was denied. When told it was turned down, Werdum said, roughly translated from Portuguese (and Spanish, too), "Welp, I guess I’m not shooting for any takedowns."

Werdum doesn’t. Actually, he never has to. In the third round, Browne rocks him with a huge overhand right, sending Werdum crashing to the canvas. Making the same mistake Fedor Emelianenko did so many moons ago, Browne jumps into Werdum’s guard to try to finish with some ground and pound.

Werdum, coming to his senses, lifts his legs up and gets Browne into a triangle. It doesn’t look very tight, but all of a sudden Browne goes out. It wasn’t Werdum’s submission that did it. Browne got choked out with his own beard.

Werdum celebrates wildly as White sheds a single tear of joy. Cain Velasquez and Werdum both speak fluent Spanish. Hello, Mexico media tour.