Five ways to enhance your Brock Lesnar ‘Best of the Beast’€ Fight Pass Experience

It’s easier than turning chicken s*** into chicken salad!

Josh Hedges/Zuffa LLC/Zuffa LLC via Getty Images

Good news, Fight Pass fans subscribers! In addition to being able to watch the twelve or so fights currently available on the UFC’s digital network whenever you want, you will now be able to relive the UFC career of former heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar! We’re talking about 20 (twenty!) different Lesnar-related videos, including his bouts with Cain Velasquez, Randy Couture, and Frank Mir among others, as well as the various “Countdown” series’ and even a couple of his NCAA wrestling matches.

That’s right, UFC Fight Pass recently added “Brock Lesnar: Best of the Beast” to its fight collection library, and I know what you’re thinking: “Is there a way I could enhance this once-in-a-lifetime experience, if that is even possible?” F*ck yeah it’s possible, dummy! Here’s how:

Jack Links Beef Jerky

There was a conspiracy theory floating around in the late aughts that Brock Lesnar was actually a Sasquatch who had been snared, shaved, enslaved, and taught rudimentary English and mixed martial arts by the Jack Links Corporation to push their brand of beef jerky on the Affliction shirt-wearing dude-bros so often seen at UFC events. You see, before the UFC started pimping Corn Nuts (Corn to the Core!) between every goddamn round, Jack Links was widely considered to be the preeminent mid-fight snack among MMA fighters and fans. And their most popular sponsor? Oh, nobody really, except a 6’5”, 280 pound “man” who bore a striking resemblance to a silverback gorilla or possibly…a Sasquatch.

I’m not saying that any of these crackpot theories are true, I’m just saying that Brock Lesnar did decide to retire from MMA after he was struck down with diverticulitis, a digestive disease that would have prevented him from ever eating Jack Links in public again.

In any case, consuming a bag of Jack Links while watching “Best of the Beast” is sure to make you feel Lesnar’s pain, because that s*** tastes like it was made in a rubber tire factory adjoined to a Carl’s Jr.

Coors Light

On second thought, make that a Bud Light. Either way, drink a bunch of these, watch Lesnar smash Frank Mir in their UFC 100 rematch, and then maybe get on top of your wife tonight. Not necessarily in that order.

Mariachi Music

You might not know this, but Brock Lesnar is a *big* fan of mariachi music and Mexican culture in general, so much so that he opted to take a dive in his UFC 121 title fight with Cain Velasquez after finding out that Cain’s abuelo was Carlos Santana. It was a…“Soul Sacrifice,” indeed. (YEEEEAAHHHH!!!!)

A (Temporary) Phallic Chest Tattoo

In order to truly walk a mile in Brock Lesnar’s shoes, one must first experience the mix of fear, anger, and irrational behavior that comes with the realization that the totally badass dagger with brass knuckles you thought you got a tattoo of…actually looks more like a phallus performing a sexual act typically reserved for women between your pectorals. It’s no doubt what led Lesnar to MMA in the first place (you know, besides the whole “captured Sasquatch” thing), because it all but ensured that no one except a smart-mouthed pipsqueak hiding behind a keyboard would ever make fun of his ink again.

Whatever the F*ck This Thing Is

Seriously, what the hell is that thing? The next evolutionary step of the Shake Weight? A device that helps you get your eggbeater on? A CHINESE FINGER TRAP SENT STRAIGHT FROM HELL?!…

…I’m being told that this ridiculous contraption is actually called The Burn Machine, and it is actually used and endorsed by MMA fighters, football players, and professional bodybuilders. It is also quite clearly the tool Lesnar used to hone his infamous style of ground and pound (known in some circles as “masturbatory hammerfists”) that led him to UFC gold against Randy Couture at UFC 91. And if it’s good enough to defeat Randy Couture, it’s good enough to earn a place in the memorabilia collection of any Brock Lesnar superfan. You know, right next to the bowl of chicken s*** salad and the three feet of Lesnar’s intestines you snuck into the hospital to steal after his surgery. Come to think of it, we really need to talk about this obsession of yours, man…