Close Encounters Of The Sonnen Kind

Chael Sonnen debunks little green men. Wait a minute, UFO and UFC are only one letter off. Whoa...

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I don’t know about you guys, but as far as Ol’ Chael is concerned, no book written by a professional mixed-martial-arts fighter is complete without a chapter that is devoted to an in-depth analysis of the phenomenon of Unidentified Flying Objects.

If I’m in my local, soon-to-be-extinct bookstore (which will reside, in the dustbin of the collective human memory, bracketed forlornly by the memories of record stores and butcher shops), and I have exhausted every other aisle of books, and finally slump, weary and defeated, like a baited, staked bear, into the aisle full of scalloped-eared pugs leering out balefully from the covers of their hastily-assembled, poorly-ghostwritten, cravenly mercenary attempts to cash in on Forrest Griffin’s unexpectedly entertaining and successful books, I search in vain for a chapter, nay, even a paragraph, devoted to those mysterious, elusive, silver, flying pie-plates, and the big-headed, black-eyed meta-beings who pilot them.

Alas, it is always to no avail, as my hopes are dashed repeatedly, and I am inevitably left disappointed and alone with my own thoughts, ideas, theories, and speculations regarding our galactic brothers and their strange, unfathomable mission here on my (OK; "OUR") planet.

Luckily, I have a bit of an arcane reference-set, and — as usual — like many other fortunate occurrences in my life, I have the UFC to thank for it.

"Those mysterious, elusive, silver, flying pie-plates, and the big-headed, black-eyed meta-beings who pilot them."

Let me tell you a little story.

On more than a few occasions at UFC events, I have seen a very distinguished-looking older gentleman. He’s tall, over six feet, very slender, with a full head of snow-white hair. He carries himself with a rare, understated, quiet dignity; which at a UFC event sticks out like a narc at a biker rally. He sits up front whenever I have seen him at a show; and he talks only with a particular MMA official, who happens to be a bit of a loner and iconoclast. They always seem to be engaged in some type of serious discussion, frequently with notepads and pencils, scribbling graphs, and equations, furiously. If anyone comes over, they are both very friendly and approachable; but I notice they both turn over the notepads they have been writing on until they are once again by themselves. They then return immediately to their arcane and animated discussions.

They make for a very interesting, and altogether baffling, pair.

They arrive together, leave together.

I have seen them in a restaurant or two post-fight; always in a corner table, always just the two of them.

I have also seen them occasionally in the gyms in the various towns where the UFC holds events. Off by themselves, avoiding contact with fighters training, warming up, or cutting weight, they train silently. The distinguished, white-haired, older gentleman absolutely POPS the mitts; it is an amazing spectacle, as he is easily in his late ’60s or early ’70s; but he throws BOMBS with both hands, combination after combination; and he can kick an apple off your head with either foot.

The UFO phenomenon is anything but new. We commonly associate it with a very famous, and altogether innocuous, event that occurred in 1947 in the Pacific Northwest, when an amateur pilot and crackpot named Kenneth Arnold reported a group of Unidentified Flying Objects, which he described as ‘skipping’, not unlike saucers skipping over water, as they traveled across his flight-path and line of sight.

I had often wondered who he was, and what he was doing there.

Luckily, I have been on a bunch of flights with him in the recent past, and I’ve had a few conversations with him. He has a soft voice with a French accent. He has blue eyes, and a warm smile. He’s extremely nice, and just a trifle scary, for reasons I cannot accurately obtain or explain. He has the very uncommon (by popular, modern, standards) habit of thinking, often for an uncomfortably long amount of time, before he answers a question. He talks very little about himself or his friend, the MMA official who he spends his time with.

What he does talk about, and very interestingly, is the phenomenon of UFOs. I’ve sat next to him, comfortably nestled in my first-class mega-seat, and listened in rapt attention as he describes and elucidates various theories, including his own, about the "Visitors". He tells me he’s written books on the subject. Tells me he lives somewhere out west. He remembers my name; but he never tells me his.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned from listening to him, doing my own research, and drawing my own conclusions.

The UFO phenomenon is anything but new. We commonly associate it with a very famous, and altogether innocuous, event that occurred in 1947 in the Pacific Northwest, when an amateur pilot and crackpot named Kenneth Arnold reported a group of Unidentified Flying Objects, which he described as "skipping", not unlike saucers skipping over water, as they traveled across his flight-path and line of sight. It being an exceptionally slow news day, and the country’s paranoia level already inflamed with reports of the military aeronautical potential of the Russkies right across the border (Sarah Palin can explain the actual mechanics of the Russo-American Border, and the tension that existed, and still exists, because of it), the story was picked up by various wire-services, which functioned as clearing-houses for news and information (you might not be mistaken by describing the wire services of the past as a kind of "Proto-Internet", in fact).

Before you could say "Little Green Men Have Invaded My Backflap PJ’s", there were stories of "flying saucers" everywhere. When, in fact, in all probability, what Mr. Arnold saw that day was a flock of geese, backlit and illuminated disproportionately by the setting, angular rays of the sun.

Geese. They fly in groups.

Now I know what all of you UFO nutcases in your Tin-Foil Interstellar-Radiation protective hats are saying right now: "They GOT to you, Chael! You’re PART of the CONSPIRACY!"

And, well, NO, "they" DIDN’T, and I’m NOT.

The simple fact is that:

–Geese fly in groups

–They were frequently seen flying at, or near, the airport where Kenneth Arnold saw his UFO’s

Although Kenneth Arnold was an experienced, skilled pilot, with acute powers of observation, there is no evidence to support an extraterrestrial hypothesis for anything he may or may not have seen.

The vast, overwhelming majority of UFO events are explainable organically, logically, and completely, by existing atmospheric and natural factors.

So.

All of those easily-verifiable details make a very strong case for an organic, explicable, common occurrence, that was misidentified by a novice (or, to be fair, "non-expert") pilot.

There is NO physical evidence, NO credible supporting witnesses (this event happened in BROAD DAYLIGHT, near an AIRPORT), NO metallic craft that then went on to land, or be observed, anywhere, by anyone, and NO SOUND, RATIONAL REASON to contend, or believe, that Kenneth Arnold witnessed a cadre of mysterious, intelligently-piloted craft from another world beyond the stars that day in 1947 in the Pacific Northwest United States, bordering Russia (see: Geography, PALIN).

This pattern of organic explanations ignored or unstated, no physical evidence, and no rational explanation that would include a nuts-and-bolts spaceship to be present, available, and accessible, runs through the overwhelming majority of UFO-related events, both in the present, and the past.

The vast, overwhelming majority of UFO events are explainable organically, logically, and completely, by existing atmospheric and natural factors.

However…

There IS a genuine, baffling, and constant phenomenon.

As I began by saying; the phenomenon of UFO’s is not a new one; the literature and histories of many cultures throughout history includes references to baffling, airborne craft, or, more frequently, airborne, inexplicable lights, beings, devices, and apparitions. Even events like the Miracle at Fatima play like sophisticated UFO events; a blinding, traveling, point of LIGHT representing a divine, otherworldy, or holy being’s presence, with the attendant wonder on the part of the witnesses, and a phenomenon communicating on a symbolic level with its own theories, index, and objectives.

The Aurora Borealis. Strange lights can fill the sky spectacularly and mysteriously.

A quick perusal of virtually any of the accepted "Holy Books" from antiquity, be it the Bible, Koran, or Bhagavad-Gita, will demonstrate a clear, recurrent, and obvious phenomenon that closely resembles the modern UFO phenomenon. One need look no further than Moses’ audience with God, as he is given the stone tablets containing the Ten Commandments, to identify the pattern.

Moses is commanded by a LIGHT, and a VOICE, that are essentially "floating" in space; described, with the limited understanding of the times, as a "burning bush"; one which left NO traces, NO evidence, and NO rational explanation for its existence.

There are examples too frequent to even elucidate of unexplained airborne phenomena (usually associated with light) interacting with people, and influencing history. The Catholic Church, one of the most influential and enduring institutions on earth, owes its existence, in part, to a UFO event; the blinding and temporary incapacitation, and subsequent conversion, of Saul of Tarsus by a blinding light, and a voice that spoke to him. Because of this event, he then became St. Paul, one of the founding figures in the Catholic Church.

Joan of Arc? Same thing. Blinding light in the daytime sky, booming voice, off she goes.

UFOs are as OLD as RECORDED HISTORY, and only in the past 60 years or so have they taken on the physical characteristics of a metallic spacecraft.

"Joan of Arc? Same thing. Blinding light in the daytime sky, booming voice, off she goes."

They always seem to stay just a little bit ahead of the level and degree of technology that obtained at the time, and in the place, of the event they are identified with.

The idea of UFOs as metallic ships sent to Earth, piloted by intelligent, flesh-and-blood beings, is not only not supported by the historical documentary evidence, but it also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever based upon their behavior patterns.

They fly all the way here, over astonishingly vast distances, occupying EONS of time, and all they do when they get here is violate the… umm…."privacy" of a few hack science-fiction writers or conniving lumberjacks?

And the whole business of the "aliens" having some kind of secret, sweetheart, "handshake deal" with the Government bigwigs, that allows them access to as much booty as they can probe, and supplies them with a huge, rent-free, utilities-included underground lair like Goldfinger had in that James Bond movie, to hold up in between forays out into the night, for more below-the-waist scientific "experiments" on the unsuspecting and unwilling subjects? Well, if they are advanced enough to GET here, either through time (a LOOOONG time), or interdimensionally (extremely unlikely, but still more probable), then they don’t NEED Uncle Sam’s permission to do ANYTHING, thank you ever so much.

And the level of abductee-related experimentation is so crude as to be laughable if it wasn’t so vile; how many asses do they really need to probe? And why are they so hung up on the ass? You never hear about them examining anybody’s ears, or nostrils, or hands. It’s always the ass.

And the level of abductee-related experimentation is so crude as to be laughable if it wasn’t so vile; how many asses do they really need to probe? And why are they so hung up on the ass? You never hear about them examining anybody’s ears, or nostrils, or hands. It’s always the ass.

What cable channels are they getting in outer space, anyway? Even a species as comparatively backward and crude as our own can find out virtually everything we need to know about a lion’s ass by catching and tranquilizing a half-dozen lions. We also have the technology to make said examination painless, and completely unavailable to the lion as an experience or a recovered memory, with drugs we invented, and have been using, for decades.

Are we to assume the aliens are smart enough to get here, but too dense to realize that, after assembling a comprehensive database (at great risk of discovery) of human asses, that they all work pretty much the same way, and that you can synthesize drugs that make your presence in and around those asses completely unknown to the subject of your fin de siècle, morbid, depraved, hijinks, the owners of those over-examined, alien-plundered, asses?

And here’s something else to consider. Ask yourself about the fate of actual "beneficiaries" of sweetheart, handshake deals with Uncle Sam from the recent past, like, say, Manuel Noriega or Saddam Hussein. Those deals tend to unravel faster than a seven-year-old’s alibi in front of a broken window with a slingshot sticking out of his back-pocket.

So the whole they-come-here-to-experiment-on-hicks-with-the-approval-of-Government theory is rubbish.

There is NO secret base filled with crashed saucers.

There is NO deal between the government and any aliens.

Why?

Because..

1) If there was, somebody would have found a way to make a buck on it.

2) Somebody who worked there would have ratted; for revenge, or money, or because he was drunk, or because his wife left him for somebody else who works there with him.

It doesn’t exist.

Aliens from another world, flesh-and-blood creatures, do NOT exist on Earth. There is not a scrap of evidence to support the idea that they exist. Not one. And if they took the time, energy, and effort to get here, they’d do more when they landed than skulk around in the dark and mess with people’s asses.

Ask yourself about the fate of actual ‘beneficiaries’ of sweetheart, handshake deals with Uncle Sam from the recent past, like, say, Manuel Noriega or Saddam Hussein. Those deals tend to unravel faster than a seven-year-old’s alibi in front of a broken window with a slingshot sticking out of his back-pocket.

That type of behavior is for the people you see on "To Catch A Predator", NOT for aliens who drove millions of miles to get here.

There’s no good, real, rational reason to even consider their theoretical existence, based upon their ludicrous reported behaviors, and the other obvious objections already stated.

Lack of evidence does not constitute an argument in favor of an unsupported proposition on the grounds that the level of sophistication of the cover-up is so advanced that the phenomenon negates itself, and is therefore "proven". ("This is so big, they’ve REMOVED ALL TRACES OF IT!!! That PROVES its existence!)

RUBBISH.

But there IS a definite, documented, phenomenon.

It’s just not "extraterrestrial"; it’s "meta-logical."

Something we don’t understand IS here, and has manifested itself as unexplainable aerial phenomena that interacts with humanity, on numerous occasions, throughout history.

So, you’re undoubtedly muttering to yourself, what the heck IS it, Uncle Chael, a.k.a. Mr. Smartypants?

Well, kids, I just don’t know.

But I’m gonna find out.

Here’s how we can do this, together.

A few simple steps:

1) All of you fellow truth-seekers. Harness the power of the Internet. Start a grassroots movement, an online petition, to get me, your fellow UFO researcher, a FULL and UNCONDITIONAL PARDON.

2) Once we get that minor detail handled, I can go ahead and get elected President.

3) I will appoint Joe Rogan as my Vice-President  (I will run alone, since my brilliance and charisma cannot be supported by a mere standup comic, no matter how hard he tries, or how much DMT he shovels into his head)

4) I will appoint Sarah Palin as my head of Homeland Security, with a particular emphasis on our land-borders with Russia, China, and India.

I will then "sic" them, like two ravenous Presa Canarios, on the phenomenon of UFOs, with a blank-check budget.

Joe & Sarah will solve this mystery faster than Carlos Mencia steals jokes at the Comedy Store from actual comedians who write their own, original, comic material.

"I will appoint Sarah Palin as my head of Homeland Security, with a particular emphasis on our land-borders with Russia, China, and India."

I promise, kids.

Get me in there.

Uncle Chael, your Man In The Oval Office, will bring home the answers.

Until then, watch TV, or watch your kids, or watch that pot of spaghetti you have boiling.

Don’t waste your time watching the skies.

The phenomenon isn’t up there waiting for you to look for it.

If it wants you, it’ll come find you, like it found Moses, Joan of Arc, or Saul of Tarsus.