So there’s this video of an (incredibly attractive) woman choking out some poor dude at a party that’s been making big waves around the MMA blogosphere lately. Why exactly? Well, because even in the The Rousey Era, most MMA fans are still unwilling to accept that a woman who is clearly well-versed in Jiu-Jitsu might be able to defeat a man in a loose-fitting tanktop with no fighting skills whatsoever, obviously. HAS TOSH.0 TAUGHT US NOTHING?!!
Unfortunately, the poor guy above had to learn this lesson the hard way, and is likely destined for a lifetime of mockery because of it. His comeuppance will not go completely without merit, however, as it got us thinking about the most unexpected amateur/YouTube fight/whatever finishes we’ve ever seen, which in turn inspired this list. So cheer up, guy, you’re not the only one who has ever bitten off more than they could chew. Just check out these poor saps!
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#6 – Old Man KO’s Trash-Talking Blood Gangster
On the list of people you should never f*ck with on the streets, the old black man in a fedora who is only referred to as “champ” is about as high as you can get (just below “Homeless war vet throwing his feces at passersby”). Yet this scientific fact didn’t stop the drunken, classless man –who is/was allegedly a member of the Bloods — in the red shirt/cap from needlessly egging on the old-timer for having the gall to stand outside a convenience store in broad daylight.
Although you can’t quite hear the pair’s verbal exchange, we imagine it went something like this:
Red Cap: “Whatchu doin’ on my sidewalk, gramps?”
Champ: “Actually, it’s ‘Champ’ and I’m going to be shining my gators with your blood, Blood, if you don’t step off right now.”
Red Cap: “Right, like some geriatric geezer like you is going to-“
(*Champ dusts him with a 1-2 combo*)
Champ: “I’m taking your grill as penance for your insolence.”
Who are we kidding? There’s *no way* that Red Cap knows what the word “geriatric” means.
#5 – Fighting Mom Saves Son via Knockout
While it’s always embarrassing to get your ass kicked in a fight, it’s arguably more embarrassing when your Mom is forced to save you from said fight by punting your opponent’s head into the stratosphere.
Let me set the scene: Two scrappy Chicanos are in the midst of a ground battle in what appears to be the world’s most deserted major highway. The undersized, shirtless youngin’ on the bottom is taking the worst of it – the worst of it being mainly trash-talk – from the guy who refers to himself as “a champion” (clearly not having met the gentleman in the previous video). We hear some spectators in the peripheral, and at the 17-second mark, we see an ominous, lengthy pair of female legs enter the frame, knowing little of the terror they are about to unleash.
Although Momma Bear seems willing to let her son fight his own battles at first, it is only once the “champion” starts full-on choking her boy that paternal instincts (literally) kick in. In one swift boot, she ABSOLUTELY WRECKS her son’s foe, rendering him face down on, again, what should be an incredibly dangerous road to fight on.
As if Momma Bear’s intervention wasn’t righteous enough, she is forced to further defend her weakling of a son from one of “champion’s” buddies, Tony, in the aftermath of the brawl. Although Tony seems initially willing to start trading fisticuffs with a middle-aged woman (at the insistence of his loser friends, no less), he decides to back down after taking another look at the carnage she left behind. FEMME FATALITY!
#4 – The Knockout Game Gone Wrong…Er…Right?
Chances are you’ve heard of the “Knockout” game that psychotic, despicable yoots have taken to playing in the absence of a new Grand Theft Auto video game if you’ve been following the news lately. The concept is simple: Find a victim and attempt to knock them unconscious by blindsiding them with a punch. It is perhaps the most abhorrent, cowardly act one can commit, and its perpetrators deserve nothing less than a death sentence in the vein of Giles Corey.
So you can understand our amusement when a video surfaced back in December of some scumbag attempting to play “Knockout” on a woman and instead winding up face down and bleeding profusely on a mall floor. You don’t often get the chance to see Karma work its magic in such immediate, brutal fashion as a woman relentlessly hammerfisting her would-be attacker while a Good Samaritan soccer kicks him in the face, so for that we thank you, World Star Hip Hop.
#3 – “The Emoplata”
If human beings were ranked like Pokémon characters, the emo would easily be the Magikarp of our kind — not just because they both suck at everything, but because what category of people reflect the harmless, docile-yet-spastic nature of the Magikarp better than a swoop haired teenager in skinny jeans?
This video, however, asserts that even the most pathetic of specimens can still be deadly when given the right opportunity. In a fight that likely started over which brand of mascara truly stood above them all, Ol’ Skinny Jeans up there fired off a surprisingly solid wheel kick that should have served as a rattlesnake-esque warning to his opponent (hereby dubbed “Back in Black”) that bad things were coming his way should he continue. But Back in Black forged ahead, the fool, and quickly found himself tangled up in a move that was equal parts Lex Luther’s Torture Rack and Aunt Annie’s Pretzels. An “Emoplata,” if you will.
Regardless of what you want to call the submission, there’s no denying how effective it is. Back in Black gets choked out cold in a matter of seconds while Ol’ Skinny Jeans rides off into the sunset like a macabre Shane.
#2 – Sixteen Year Old Mauricio “Shogun” Rua Gets KTFO at House Party
Suppose we were to tell you that former PRIDE and UFC champion Mauricio “Shogun” Rua was knocked out in a fight by some no-namer via a head kick. Which part of that statement would you have a harder time believing?
Well, all of those things happened, but to be fair, it was more of a “house party fight” than a “fight.” Because in Brazil, fights normally involve no less than ten people, a gas station, and a 2×4 to the dome. That factoid aside, it’s still crazy to think that “Shogun” could ever be bested by anyone less than a former or current UFC champion. But that was the case back in 1998, when a 16-year old Rua squared off with Rodrigo Malheiros de Andrade in a Muay Thai bout while a crowd of fired-up Brazilians cheered them on. Both fighters would land some decent shots over the course of the multiple round affair, but it would be a big head kick late in the fight that put Shogun down and out. Let’s hope that Rua has taken comfort in the fact that, despite losing the fight, he is now considered one of the most badass men to ever walk the face of the earth.
#1 – Kimbo Slice vs. Sean Gannon
At long last, we come to the fight video (and the shocking result) that started them all.
In the early 2000’s, there was one man who became synonymous with unsanctioned fights; a hulking, bearded warrior who destroyed every sap that dared squabble with him in a Home Depot parking lot, outside a Denny’s, or in someone’s back yard. We’re talking, of course, about Kimbo Slice.
After laying waste to such game challengers as “Big Mac,” “Afropuff,” and “Stinky John” (OK, that last one’s made up) and releasing footage of the fights on Youtube, former pornstar bodyguard Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson quickly became a viral sensation known by fight fans the world over. But before Slice could parlay his fame into an EliteXC contract, a stint on The Ultimate Fighter, and his current boxing career, he had to fight former Boston police officer Sean Gannon.
The resulting fight was a knockdown, drag out war that was as controversial as it was ferocious. In the end, Gannon emerged victorious, marking the most shocking ending to a Kimbo Slice fight we had ever seen. The fight gained such notoriety that Gannon was eventually offered a fight in the UFC against Brandon Lee Hinkle at UFC 55. He was obliterated inside the first round, and Slice went on to make hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting for Elite XC and the UFC. Funny how things work out.
Are there any classic fights that didn’t make this list?