France remains the home of haute couture, a phrase that has to do with fashion but on that, since it wasn’t fully explained in The Devil Wears Prada, I can’t fully define. What I do know from four days of watching the 2016 French Open is this: Shorteralls are ugly, zebra print can work in small doses and Asics should stick to making shoes. Here, we rank the 16 best and 16 worst fashion decisions at the French Open. Onto the withering, yet pithy, commentary!
The worst-dressed players
1. Alize Lim – Nike? Forget ’em. Adidas? You can have your prints and Paul McCartney’s daughter. Alize Lim, the Frenchwoman ranked No. 156, opted to be endorsed by Uncle Chuckle’s BBQ Emporium, or so it looks. Lim is dressed like a hobo from a vaudeville performance. I’m half expecting Charlie Chaplin to bound out on the court, clicking his heels with an umbrella and having a frenetic disussion with Lim that will be overlaid with captions due to the fact that it’s still the silent era, apparently.
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2. Jan-Lennard Struff – When a subpar, Ed Hardy-knockoff (well, even more subpar than Ed Hardy) that probably sells exclusively out of Hot Topic comes at you with an endorsement deal, you have to say yes. This is made by an outfit named "Hydrogen," which has a skull in the place of its "o." Since I’d never heard of the company, I did a little Googling and found out that it’s a chemical element with an atomic number of 1 and a weight of 1.00794u, making it the lightest element.
3. Francesca Schiavone – Separate, every piece of the outfit stands on its own. It’s when they’re combined that the whole enterprise becomes a mess. Sort of like Ocean’s 12.
4. Daria Kasatkina – You’re playing in a Grand Slam, not No. 3 singles for Duke.
5. Hyeon Chung – You’re playing in a Grand Slam, not competing in the 10m air rifle for Korea in the Summer Olympics.
6. Rod Paradot (actor) – The first time I saw this I seriously thought it was a wax statue. Instead it’s a French actor who apparently is famous. Is this a thing now? Dressing in monochrome based on one’s skin color? In that case, someone get Donald Trump a patrol belt and an airport ground worker’s jacket, stat. He can borrow them from Mike Shanahan.
7. Jelena Jankovic – Wearing the Eiffel Tower to an event in Paris? Why not just go to a Blink-182 concert in a Blink-182 shirt. You can bring Jan-Lennard Struff.
8. Angelique Kerber – We’ll talk about all the zebra print later. It’s the vertical stripes that make it look like the zebra print is being worn under suspenders that’s the issue. And, come on, Angelique. If you really needed to wear clothes with straps, you could have easily borrowed Alize Lim’s shorteralls.
9. Feliciano Lopez – Given that Lopez’s shirt has the design of the service line, do you get an ace if the ball goes straight to his gut?
10. Barbora Strycova – Looks like an adult wearing an NBA jersey.
11. Magdalena Rybarikova – Leggings are so very out, Magdalena. It’s all about one-piece overall shorts.
12. Rafael Nadal – The Rafa on that t-shirt is definitely using PEDs, because there’s no way his hair looks that full and bouncy from behind.
13. Johanna Konta/Jula Georges – Don’t you hate it when you show up to your Grand Slam match and your opponent is wearing the same, ugly turquoise dress with labels haphazardly applied?
14. Andy Murray – The thing Under Armour has going for it is that it’s "cool." Well, the thing Under Armour did have going for it.
15. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova – There’s a thin line here, one that almost put AP on the best-dressed side. And you know what? I’m digging this more and more as I look at it, particularly with the white skirt. So let’s call this is 15B on the "best dressed" side. Yeah, I just did that.
2. Ana Ivanovic – Zebra print is a lot like power. In the right hands, it is wielded properly and effectively. In the wrong hands; well, we have six months to ponder what that will be like.
3. Serena Williams – A nice, crisp, understated kit from Nike, which almost always hits home runs with their top two endorsers, Serena and Roger Federer.
4. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga – It seems like a quarter of the field is rocking the zebra, which Adidas is calling "dazzling camoflauge." And by that they mean "camoflauge that would get you eaten by a lion within five seconds of putting it on."
5. Aga Radwanska – Less is more for the No. 2 seed.
6. John Isner – This is the way Isner should be dressed: preppy and a little like Billy Zabka from any one of a number of 1980s movies. He went to Georgia! Have him that pop that collar too.
7. Novak Djokovic – Mickey kissing the Coupe des Mousquetaires is like the polar opposite of Calvin and a Dale Earnhardt Jr. logo.
8. Camila Giorgi – Giorgi played Ms. Shorteralls herself in the first round making for a fashion spectacle unseen in Paris since they invited Kanye to Fashion Week.
9. Donald Young – It’s not until you see a player wearing a green shirt that you realize no one wears green shirts in tennis.
10. Radek Stepanek – On me? No. On you? No shot. But on Radek Stepanek, the quirky 37-year-old Czech? This works because he owns it, sort of like when your grandfather wears a Hawaiian shirt on the cruise he just went on, then shows you slides of, while ignoring your question of where the hell he got slides made in 2016.
11. Sorana Cirestea – New Balance with a fashion win on the tennis court is like a Quaid brother with a win at an awards show.
12. Roger Federer – This is what Federer would have worn if he’d played. Classy as ever.