National Football League

What to do? Presenting a non-viewer's guide to Super Bowl XLIX

Published Jan. 27, 2015 11:00 a.m. ET

share

facebookxredditlink

Sid Saraf

Super Bowl XLIX is a few days away. Can you feel the sizzle building? It's surrounding us and slowly growing into a crescendo that will peak on Sunday.

Unfortunately, there's a portion of the population that isn't excited at all. This Super Bowl is unique, because both teams involved -- the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots -- have their share of haters.

The Patriots draw criticism because of their controversies (Deflategate, Spygate, Tuck Rule) and also because people are jealous of their continued run of success over the years. The Seahawks are seen as cocky, arrogant, rude and are seen by NFL snobs as a "new money" title contender.

So, what do you do if you can't stand the Patriots and the Seahawks? Thankfully, we here at FOXSports.com have some activities that you can take part it in if you can't bring yourself to watch this year's Super Bowl. Presenting the "Non-Viewer's Guide to Super Bowl XLIX."

1. VISIT YOUR MOTHER

Look how sad she is. Are you so busy that you can't find some time to at least check on the woman who brought you into this world? For all you know, she could have fallen and can't get up. But, you don't care because of your big fancy-pants job and swinging lifestyle.

It's Sunday so you can't use traffic as an excuse. Go put a smile on her face. And hey, you can probably score a free meal -- and do your laundry -- in the process.

Sometimes, it's impossible to avoid the Super Bowl. Maybe your significant other is a Patriots or Seahawks fan (ugh) and you have to do the right thing and show support. Relationships are silly like that.

Also, there's always the halftime show. Katy Perry -- nothing wrong with that, right?

2. GET STARTED ON THOSE TAXES

Hurry up, deadbeat. April 15 will sneak up on you if you're not careful and Uncle Sam doesn't take kindly to those who duck their annual vig. Break out the Turbo Tax and try to find a way to write off your tanning bill.

3. LISTEN TO MUSIC FROM ANY TOWN BUT BOSTON OR SEATTLE

Ditch that Pearl Jam CD (side note: Throw out your CDs ... nobody uses them anymore) and burn that Aerosmith/Skid Row tour shirt from the late 1980s. No Kurt Cobain. No Boston. No nothing. It's time to expand your mind.

May I suggest California-based Slayer? Hey, Tom Araya has a beard now!

Or, how about German thrash metal band Kreator? If you haven't heard them belt out "Destroy what destroys you," well ... you just haven't lived.

You might find the music a tad on the scary side (if you suck), but I can guarantee the last thing you'll think of when listening to both bands is Deflategate. Or Starbucks. Or clam chowdah. Or Russell Wilson crying.

4. AVOID ALL TV SHOWS FROM BOSTON AND SEATTLE

That means no watching "Grey's Anatomy".

Take down your McDreamy poster. Throw out your "McSteamy makes me weepy" coffee mug. And while "Frasier" was a real hoot for 11 great seasons, now is not the time to relive Niles and Daphne's romance.

Speaking of "Frasier," that also means no "Cheers".

Watch "The Wire." Or "Seinfeld." Those shows never get old.

Alrighty, that's 10 options. Now, get out there and ignore the Cheathawks and the Cheatriots to your heart's content.

6. READ ABOUT PATRIOTS AND HAWKS

Yes, people still do read books. And I’m not talking about firing up your Kindle. I mean, an actual book. With pages. Broaden your knowledge, you Philistines.

So, you can't stand the Patriots? Why not read about a patriot, instead? Try "Johnny Tremain" by Esther Forbes. It's a magical story about a young man who gets caught up in the Revolutionary War. I think. That book was one of many I failed to read in elementary school, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.

The Seahawks aren't your thing? Here's a suggestion: Read "Birds of Washington State" by Brian H. Bell and Shane Kennedy and wow people at your next cocktail party. By the way, here's something I recently discovered. The Osprey (or Pandion haliaetus) is commonly known as a "sea hawk," but there is no actual bird named "seahawk." So, my whole life has been a lie up until this point?

7. HOST A SUPER BOWL PARTY

Want to completely ignore the game? Invite 15 people over to your place and you'll get a chance to. From running back and forth from the grill to the kitchen; secretly adding meat to your "vegan chili" to mess with the one person who has to be difficult; pouring drinks; making sure the guy who got too drunk before the end of the first quarter doesn't puke in your master bathroom -- you won't get a chance to breathe, let alone watch the game.

Here's a tip: Try making something that requires a ton of effort, like this seafood and sushi dish.

You'll never be able to leave the stove.

8. CATCH A FOODBORNE ILLNESS

Nothing makes a sporting event seem pointless like a good stomach bug. Use that mayo that's been sitting in the back of your fridge for the past two years and make yourself a tuna sandwich using bread that is just starting to turn green. Then leave that sandwich on the bathroom floor next to the toilet for, oh, 3-to-4 days. Dip that sandwich in some old hollandaise sauce and enjoy.

Trust me, you'll see visions. And vomit in Technicolor.

9. FOLLOW THE GAME ON TWITTER

It can be done. What's great about tracking the game on social media is that you can tailor it to fit your needs. Can't stand the Patriots? Someone will agree with you.

Hating on the Seahawks? Don't worry, Twitter has you covered.

Want to get double-hate in one place? There's nothing Twitter can't do.

Get your hot takes ready, grab your outdated iPhone and enjoy.

10. WATCH THE PUPPY BOWL

You know what's better than football? PUPPIES! Fuzzy puppies with wrinkly faces, floppy ears and big eyes that just want to sniff stuff and climb over everything. I've actually DVR'd the Puppy Bowl before so I could watch it at 1 a.m. when I get home after the stupid Super Bowl. By the way, I heard there are GOATS this year!

Do you need any more convincing? You shouldn't. You can make the argument that the Puppy Bowl would take precedence over the Super Bowl, even if your favorite team was playing in the big game.

share

Get more from National Football League Follow your favorites to get information about games, news and more

in this topic

National Football League