By Tara Carney
(Originally published 12/28/2012)
It's not gay if it's Kliff Kingsbury. For my purposes, let me amend this: It's not a mythical mystery if it's not Shirtless Kliff Kingsbury.
SEC chicks have a hard time. In 2012, men still don't take female fandom seriously. In our nation, where over 50% of college graduates are female, men -- and I'm talking to you FBS guys, Ohio State fans included -- fail to view women as fan equals.
My girl friends from New York to California to Georgia agree: men act like blubbering fools when we follow the game with literacy and passion. It's time for this to stop, boys. We are your football loving peers.
Now, I will grant there's an embodied football intelligence that women will never possess, having never played the game.* I did not spend years in Pop Warner and prep school cultivating the instinct to CATCH THE BALL that led to Chris Conley's fated reception in the SEC Championship Game. But I can see it as a fan with two decades of technical and strategic awareness of the game. I did, however, spend years in the dance studio, perfecting my ability to spin on one leg like a top.
I and my football-loving girlfriends -- most of them, at least -- were either in the Department of Theater and Dance or were Tri Delts at Alabama. Think this through as we proceed: sorority girls and professionally trained dancers who love football. We are like diamonds, in that our scarcity is not reality. There are literally scores of us, and that's just from my four years as an undergrad. Though ubiquitous, we possess a combination of qualities only a rare man dares imagine for himself. We conduct ourselves with warmth, sincerity, and grace. We move through a room, or a tailgate, with effortless, unchoreographed ease. We scream profanities when our team lets a G-D freshman go up 21-0 on our national championship defending behinds at Bryant Denny Stadium.
We are your dream. BUT we are not rare. So close your jaws, wipe the drool from your mouths, and let us be.
Let's dispel the myth: women who fulfill all yours and your mothers' fantasies can be found at every game, every tailgate, every bar. Southern men are especially prone to misunderstand this fact, despite being literally surrounded by us. You see, the football literate woman is not rare. OKTC knows this. 104.5 The Zone knows this. More than 50% of college graduates in America are women. Guys are not the only ones leaving these institutions with loyalty to dear mother's athletic teams. Not to mention we devour the same college football blogs and radio shows you do.
Remember this next time you put your "F-ing turn around, Milliner!" dame on a pedestal. Let her have the space she needs to mourn Auburn's 2010 title season as one year she'll never get back. Let her weep when, just before halftime of the 2011 BCS National Championship Game, she realizes her team has not allowed a first down, annihilating LSU.
You will have a better chance of outkicking your coverage and landing the not-so-rare SEC chick if you respect her fandom. Because, after all, it's only a mythical mystery if it's Shirtless Kliff Kingsbury.
*If you haven't yet, you must watch nine year old Sam Gordon Salt Lake City, Utah, owning her pop warner league.
