Light-hitting history was made at Petco Park in last Wednesday's game against the Minnesota Twins when the Padres' 3-4-5 hitters were hitting .194 (Chase Headley), .193 (Yonder Alonso) and .163 (Jedd Gyorko).
As far as the meat of the order goes, forget New York Strip. This was something off the menu from the Veggie Grill.
Here's the history part, and hold your breath: Since 1914, only twice before in major-league history have the 3-4-5 hitters for a team all entered a game batting worse than .200 with a minimum of 100 plate appearances, according to STATS, LLC.
Both occurred in early May, 1993, for the Atlanta Braves.
At Pittsburgh on May 4, 1993, the Braves' 3-4-5 hitters were at .154 (Terry Pendleton), .196 (David Justice) and .196 (Ron Gant).
Two days later, at Colorado on May 6, '93, Bobby Cox's 3-4-5 hitters were at .154 (Pendleton), .198 (Justice) and .198 (Gant).
Those Braves, by the way, finished 104-58 and won the NL West, finishing one game ahead of the Giants.
So now is the time to cue up the scene from Dumb & Dumber, right? "So you're saying there's a chance. ..."
Which brings us straight to Carlos Quentin, who actually, finally, has graced the ballfield with his presence over the past few days and once again stoked the love/hate, tantalizing/maddening part of the Padres' equation with him.
It is impossible to completely and correctly judge how much pain a player really and truly is in at any given point in the season, and a dangerous path to travel.
But there always has been a feeling where Quentin is concerned that he is far more high maintenance than whomever he is dressing with in whatever clubhouse he is in at any particular time. And that he needs his body to be closer to 100 percent than many other players do before he will leave the dugout.
Whether this is a true fact or flawed judgment, it hardly matters anymore. After awhile, as with anything, perception becomes reality. And Quentin long since has passed the point of no return in that what he can offer is tremendous but what he mostly offers is diminishing returns.
There is no question the Padres are far better with his bat in the middle of their so-far anemic lineup. He reminded us of that again with his two-run, pinch-homer against the Cubs on Saturday night and with his go-ahead single in Monday's win over the Cubs.
In his first 14 at-bats this season, Quentin, 31, racked up five RBIs.
That's pure magic.
But since signing his three-year, $27 million Padres deal (complete with full no-trade protection) on July 22, 2012, he's gone missing more often than your car keys, your cell phone and your teenage kids combined. He played in just 82 games last year - half the schedule - and, through Tuesday, he's played in eight of the Padres' 52 games this summer.
He is a combination of Hack Wilson's bat, Andre Dawson's knees and the Tin Man's joints. The Padres did everything they could to manage him through spring training but still didn't have nearly enough WD-40 to get him to opening day.
"He's a dynamic offensive player," manager Bud Black says, correctly.
"Hello," the disabled list says, regularly.
Not only has his absence crushed the Padres so far simply because there is no replacing his production, it also contributes to things like the club's history-making 3-4-5 situation last Wednesday.
Because without Quentin, guys like Headley and Alonso do not see as many pitches to hit as they otherwise would.
And guys like Gyorko are batting in positions they have no business being in. There is no way Gyorko should be in the five hole in his sophomore season, period. And when he's scuffling as he has so far, down around .163? It's criminal.
But that's where these Padres are.
It remains astonishing that they are only six games under .500 at 23-29 when the soundtrack to their early-season highlight film should be The Police's "Message in a Bottle." Sending out an SOS offensively, every night.
Through their first 52 games, 33 of them (63 percent) have been decided by two runs or fewer. That is tied with the Pirates for a major-league high. Because of stellar pitching, the Padres are 16-18 in those games.
Were Quentin around, those numbers unquestionably would be very different, and in a very good way.
But he hasn't been around. And though he is now, the questions maddeningly don't focus on his production, but rather, on how long he'll actually be around until he's out again.
At this point, the Padres' best move will be to induce him to accept a trade and send him packing to a American League team where he can DH for whatever they can get back (and it will be minimal) and cut their losses. Because, clearly, his body cannot endure playing every day. And he's hamstrung the club now for far too long.
They cannot depend on him. Even when he's not on the DL, it's a daily guessing game as to whether he's healthy enough to play. There is no consistent lineup, and hasn't been for the better part of two seasons. Black, who has regularly juggled his lineup over seven years as manager anyway, used a whopping 145 different lineups in 162 games last summer.
Quentin is making $9.5 million this year and next, with a mutual option for $10 million for 2016 - and a $3 million buyout if he plays in 320 total games over the duration of his deal.
At 82 games played last year and eight so far this summer, he's now 230 away from guaranteeing himself that $3 million buyout after 2015 beyond the $27 million salary. Can he play in 115 games the rest of this year, and 115 next?
At some point, this interminable guessing game should become another team's issue. Quentin has played Lucy to the Padres' Charlie Brown, yanking the football away, for far too long already.
Meantime, as the Padres continue the search for their sticks and tentatively move forward again with Quentin, what about those '93 Braves?
Pendleton finished the season hitting .272 with 17 homers and 84 RBI. Justice finished hitting .270 with 40 homers and 120 RBI. And Gant hit .274 with 36 homers and 117 RBI.
Yikes.
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Longtime national baseball columnist Scott Miller will be a weekly contributor to FOXSportsSanDiego.com, discussing the San Diego Padres and Major League Baseball. Follow Scott on Twitter at @ScottMillerBbl.
