Lately, I’ve been following the Twitter accounts of several SEC college football players. My thoughts after completing this endeavor:
1. My head hurts.
2. There should be a rigorous screening process for obtaining a Twitter account.
3. Actually, wait, no there shouldn’t—because then we wouldn’t have the goldmine below.
Perhaps this is why Da'Rick Rogers -- a star below -- is hiding as he leaves jail. (That's a real picture. Seriously, real.)
So without further ado, I present to you the first installment of, “The Best Tweets of SEC Football Players Recently.” The title should be self-explanatory, so I’ll let the tweets speak for themselves (with a little commentary from me along the way when necessary):
I understand, Morgan.
Being a staunchly devoted athlete myself, I know how it feels to be pulled in a million different directions; everyone wanting a piece of you, everyone wanting to see more of you, then everyone asking you to please stop posting so many pictures of yourself on your MySpace. I get it, Morgan. (Slow, understanding head-nod.)
Right after this photograph was taken, I pulled a hammie on the way down.
That’s really me up there, back in my prime. If I were to attempt this again, bad things would happen.
“Shake it off, Frank,” Coach told me.
“You know what, Coach Pamela? YOU shake it off!” is what I wanted to say, ending with a right-leg herky that may or may not have taken out three of her front teeth. Instead, I took the high road and got back up again. However, as a result, I was unable to do my signature pelvic thrust-n-kick move for the next six weeks.
So I understand, Morgan.
Keep yo head up.
You know what, Barrett? Z’s ARE just sideways N’s. #RealTalk.
The letter Z just got straight up SCHOOLED by Barrett Trotter, and there’s probably lots more where that came from. You may have fooled the rest of us, the Letter Z, but you can’t fool Barrett Trotter! To think, all this time we’ve just casually been using a lazy, alternative form of the letter N for important words such as “Zac Efron” and “Zombie Apocalypse.” And we call ourselves an advanced society…
No, Chad…no.
Nobody wants to do that.
Actually Chad, that is exactly what Photoshop is meant for. Specifically on Friday nights, and specifically accompanied by large quantities of wine and/or Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. What on earth else have you been using it for?
Not only is Photoshop meant for desperately trying to trick the opposite sex into thinking you’re attractive enough to have sex with, it can also be used for a variety of other important things, such as dismorphing your ex’s face
and body until it looks like a cross between Gary Busey and Chaz Bono (post-surgery). Go ahead, try it. I promise it will make you feel better. Let me know if you have any questions. I’m here to help.
Man, AJ is having a rough go of it, isn’t he? I mean, being forced to choose between golfing or jet skiing? Doesn’t that officially qualify as some sort of cruel and unusual punishment? I’m sure the rest of you know exactly how he feels. Like, today, you probably had to choose between going to your crappy job, or going through the McDonald’s drive-thru first then going to your crappy job. Every day’s another mountain, but we all just keep on climbing, eh? Some of us are quietly sobbing while climbing, but still climbing, nonetheless.
Also, someone needs to tell AJ that the only people allowed to use that many exclamation points within the context of four sentences are gay men and Kellie Pickler. (Maybe that's why he stopped updating his Twitter account a while back, too many tough decisions in need of exclamations).
Tim, I’m blushing. But I thought we were going to wait a while before we made the announcement to the rest of the world about, you know, “us.” Regardless, I support you, and I don’t care what Clay says about you.
A real problem solver, that Da'Rick Rogers. Do you see how he took his limes and made lemonade, or something? He didn’t just sit around and continue whining about his nasty juice; he DID something about it.
He’s coo now, everyone.
Forsooth.
And after all Da'rick has done for you people…SMH.
CAN SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A NAP??
Da'Rick, we’ve been over this before: you really shouldn’t make it so obvious when you’re tweeting about me. First of all, it makes Tim wild with jealousy. Secondly, it’s just uncomfortable for everyone involved. That chicken potpie I cooked for you was just a weak moment for me. Nothing more, nothing less. It was a special time, don’t get me wrong, but a time that we can longer speak of.
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Since I'm now on the Twitter beat, please send me the best Tweets you see. You can find me on Twitter here -- @hayleyfrizank
