The episode opens with Ian word vomiting again. He's a terrible human being who thinks he deserves to be the next Bachelor. Let's get started...
1. Ian won't shut up about how the rest of the cast aren't "deep" enough for him. This is the Bachelorette: surface level only. Then he informs America that he went to Deerfield, which might be the most living in the past thing we've ever seen on this show (and Josh Murray's job was listed as former college baseball player on Andi's season). I would pay large sums to see what this clown puts in his Tinder bio. I bet it's phenomenal.
2. There's a rose ceremony within the first 30 minutes where Kaitlyn says see ya never to Josh and Justin. Note to future contestants, odds are 100% that if you tattle on other people in the house you'll be going home next. This solemn rose ceremony takes place at The Alamo. Naturally.
3. The "around the world" trip is finally leaving the United States! The cast is off to Dublin, a place Kaitlyn says she's always wanted to go. What a coincidence. These guys are STILL bitching about Nick. Hello, you're in Ireland, that fitness coach salary isn't going to get you back there anytime soon, so I don't know, why don't you try to enjoy it?
Chris says that "Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." This almost makes me nauseous. Then I switched over to the College World Series, and the uniform combinations made it even worse. [Editor's note: Are you people blind? The Vandy pinstripes are fire.]
4. Nick and Kaitlyn's one-on-one date is heavy on PDA. They are going at it in a church. A CHURCH. Kaitlyn says that he makes her forget the cameras are there. Kaitlyn, please reacquaint yourself with them ASAP. The soundtrack of this date is slurping, slobbering, and sucking sounds.
5. The guys' jealousy of Nick has made me almost completely on team Nick. There are three things stopping me: his face, his wardrobe, and getting "Nick is such a douche" texts from Todd Fuhrman.
6. Let me go ahead and share my thoughts on Nick and Kaitlyn's trip to "the land of gold and honey." What happens between you and another person should stay there. Why it ever crossed her mind that she should tell the other guys is beyond me. She owes them nothing.
7. The group date has Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris going to Kaitlyn's Irish wake. It is beyond uncomfortable and weird, but at least there's beer?
8. Jared, our resident Chili's manager, gets the group date rose. Shawn is livid and thinks it's bullshit, and I have to agree. I need Jared to be less greasy.
9. Shawn decides that he needs to go to Kaitlyn's suite to discuss this with her, but Kaitlyn thinks he's coming to talk about Nick's biology lesson. The episode ends here, because this is the Bachelorette and we can't get anything done in one episode.
10. Britt and Brady update: Britt's mom tells her, "You have a very nice new friend." This is something my mother would say. It's code for, "you aren't serious, right?"
I'll leave you with this lovely *limerick by some internet genius:
There once was a girl named Britt
Her 15 minutes wouldn't quit
She tried to extend her fame
Her segments were lame
Only Brady really gives a shit
Follow along on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC
