I don't trust animals, I can't hold my breath very long, and I am not a hot blonde.
This makes me the exact opposite of Ocean Ramsey, a hot blonde who can hold her breath for five minutes, forty-five seconds and recently decided to prove her trust for animals by swimming alongside a great white shark while caressing his fin.
This really happened.
Yet, amazingly, only 38,000 people have watched it on YouTube. At last count 513,000,000 have watched Charlie bit my finger.
Seriously, YouTube is failing all of us.
Big time.
If Ocean Ramsey got the shark to dance the resulting Harlem Shake video would explode computers across the planet. Remember that last week's mailbag asked the question, would you swim 200 yards to an island filled with $10 million dollars if you had to do so over an ocean filled with great white sharks. I said I'd be too afraid to do so.
Ocean Ramsey, queen of all sharks, laughs at my pansiness.
Here she is swimming with a great white shark.
And here's Ocean explaining her decision to swim with the great white sharks to Good Morning America.
Note: it's pure insanity.
Now that you've seen this video let's break down what a badass Ocean Ramsey is.
1. Did I mention that she's swimming with a great white shark while caressing its fin?
Yep, she's petting a great white shark.
And completely calm about it, like she's Ariel from, "The Little Mermaid," brought to life.
Ocean Ramsey is even braver than the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin.
RIP.
2. How many of you are jealous of the great white?
(Raises hand).
3. There are two people filming this encounter.
At least one of these guys has to be sleeping with her, right? Because otherwise why in the world would you agree to film someone as they swam alongside a great white shark? And if you aren't sleeping with her, how much does she have you wrapped around her pinkie finger?
Ocean: "Guys, I'm going to need you to grab your cameras and come film me swimming alongside the most fearsome predator in the ocean."
Guys: Fight with each other to risk death and dismemberment.
4. When your parents name you Ocean, this is the kind of thing you grow up to do.
This is why naming children is important. If Ocean Ramsey is named Abby, she grows up to be a hot sorority girl at Auburn who majors in psychology and marries a guy with Bama Bangs. That's what Abby Ramsey does. But Ocean Ramsey? Ocean Ramsey is a badass who swims with great white sharks.
Candi Ramsey?
She strips at the Boogie Bungalow on the border of Tennessee and Alabama.
5. Her nickname is, "The Shark Whisperer."
Even Johnny Football is impressed.
In fact, given that he's only taking online classes right now, chances that Johnny Football is starring in the next Ocean Ramsey Hawaiian shark swimming video? Gotta be 50/50.
6. How does Ocean not have a reality show?
There are all sorts of crappy reality shows out there that are boring as well. Yet Ocean lives in Hawaii, works as a model, can hold her breath for nearly six minutes, and swims with great whites. Plus, she has kind of a bitchy Danica Patrick thing going for her. Look at the barely disguised contempt with which she answers every question, Danica has this too.
She could be a huge star.
Ocean Ramsey bachelorette? Can you imagine if the date was to swim with a great white shark. How many bachelors would be willing to try this?
7. Is the shark mesmerized by Ocean's beauty too?
For instance, would a shark be more likely to eat an ugly person?
Can sharks see beauty?
Because this is Ocean Ramsey in a bikini.
I think the shark would be more likely to eat me in board shorts.
8. There are only 339 great white sharks on the entire Pacific coast according to Good Morning America.
And if you can't trust Good Morning America's shark knowledge, who can you trust? So how in the world did Ocean find a great white in Hawaii? The odds should be miniscule, right? Yet, this happened. What's crazier than this, Ocean Ramsey is the only swimmer in the history of the ocean who has seen a great white shark and been excited for it to happen.
9. Odds that Ocean gets attacked by a shark at some point in her life?
I asked OKTC's odds expert Todd Fuhrman. Here was his response: "Given what we saw from the Crocodile Hunter, she's about 5-1 for cause of death by great white."
But remember that Steve Irwin was killed by a sting ray.
The world needs a new Steve Irwin.
And Ocean Ramsey can be the new, hot, khakiless, bitchy Steve Irwin. (I've requested her for the radio show. We'll see if she responds to the interview request).
It's the Shark Whisperer's world, the rest of us are just living in it.
All hail Ocean Ramsey.
