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Welp, we've officially seen the hottest boobs in "Game of Thrones" history. Literally.
And, for the record, Emilia Clarke got naked for the first time since season three and that was actually her. She already told "Entertainment Weekly" that was no body double.
Per Clarke: "I'd like to remind people the last time I took my clothes off was season 3. That was awhile ago. It's now season 6. But this is all me, all proud, all strong. I'm just feeling genuinely happy I said 'Yes.' That ain't no body double!"
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's dive into tonight's episode.
If you want more than just reading the story, you can watch our Outkick show on "Game of Thrones" as well. The comments I can manage to read are always entertaining.
1. Sansa and Jon Snow are reunited for the first time since season 1.
What's more Sansa has finally stopped being a reactive patsy and finally has some agency of her own. She demands that Jon Snow wreck the Boltons. "Winterfell is our home," she says, "we have to fight for it."
But Jon Snow is not sure if he wants to flight, "I've fought and I lost," he says.
So Snow's plan is to go South and do what, exactly? Just go chill on the beach? He even gets called out by the new Lord Commander who says you know the white walkers are coming here and you're still leaving? I can't wait to see how the white walkers get over the wall.
I'm also looking forward to the Bran interaction with the White Walkers because I want to figure out their past history. Why do they exist? What are they after? Do they have normal human thoughts? I honestly think this is the only reason the Samwell and Gilly storyline still exists, because he's traveling South to research the history of the white walkers in the olden libraries. I suspect it's from Sam that we'll learn that dragon fire kills the white walkers just like valyrian steel does.
We haven't had any suggestion of it yet, but this being "Game of Thrones," Sansa has to be pregnant with Ramsay's rape baby, right? I mean, there is zero doubt. What does she do now? After all, as several of you said in our show, there's no Plan B in Winterfell.
Hell, they don't even have coat hangers.
Melisandre might have to kill this devil spawn.
2. Speaking of Melisandre, she gets confronted by Lady Brienne, who says she killed Stannis and knows Melisandre killed Renly Barratheon with the vagina monster.
Davos finally gets around to asking what happened to his favorite little princess who taught him to read, that is, the girl burned at the stake. But Melisandre dodges the question.
Does Lady Brienne know the princess was burned at the stake? And if Davos finds out does he kill Melisandre? I think he might.
Anyway, Melisandre says, "I will do as Jon Snow commands," and Davos points out, "I thought that was Stannis."
Don't blame Melisandre for chasing the dude who is still alive.
3. We finally get Little Finger in season six.
He arrives to nearly kill a dude and ensure that Prince Robin, who is still a total pussy, is ready to do his bidding.
"Gather the Knights of the Vale, the time has come to join the fray."
It's clear that we're moving towards a moment where Little Finger tries to unite the north by marrying Robin and Sansa. But will Jon Snow spoil his attempt to take over Winterfell by taking over himself?
And how big of a pussy is Robin?
75% of you say that King PC bro Tommen kills him in a fight.
4. Tyrion makes a brilliant ploy to end slavery.
How does he do it? By suggesting the former slave owners have seven more years of slavery and then he'll compensate them for their lost property value. He caps off his appeal by saying, "Give freedom a chance."
He then gives each of the owners a hot whore to sleep with.
Little known fact, this is exactly how Abraham Lincoln got his cabinet to agree to the Emancipation Proclamation.
Seriously though, I love Tyrion. This is just too perfect.
And, honestly, don't you think this is exactly how Donald Trump would try and govern?
5. Daario and Jorah advance to the Dothraki capital and disarm -- but not quite -- outside the gates of the city.
This is after Daario delivers the line, "Your heart couldn't take it," by way of explaining how much sex he and Daenerys have. This, of course, is a doubly wounding statement to Jorah because he's in love with the queen and dying of grey scale.
Ouch.
Daario then becomes the first person to see Jorah's greyscale. The two men sneak into the Dothraki capital and see wild sex going on, prompting Daario to say, "I should have been born Dothraki."
The two men kill some Dothraki -- including a brutal head smash to disguise the knife killing -- before making contact with Daenerys. She says there's no way they can sneak out, but that she has a plan.
6. Turns out the High Sparrow used to be a pussy loving shoe maker freak.
So he was basically the Phil Knight of Westeros.
It's always this way, right? If you're a dude I'm convinced that the more conservative you try and act the dirtier the porn you actually like.
Same thing with dudes who are virulently anti-gay, I think they're actually gay.
So the High Sparrow used to be rich and get drunk with his buddies and screw young women and then he gave it all up to be poor and barefoot and talk about God.
Talk about a bad trade.
The High Sparrow allows Margaery to go see her brother Loras, the gay heir to the Tyrell family name. Loras is a beaten man, but Margaery insists, "You need to stay strong," and that his family name depends on it.
Which raises an interesting question -- who rules the kingdom in the event Tommen dies without an heir? There are no more Barratheon/Lannister children. (I know, it's actually Lannister incest kids, but regardless, there are no more of them after Tommen.) There has never been a queen to rule alone. So would the throne move to the Tyrells? Would Loras be the next to sit on the Iron Throne?
Sure, Gendry has a claim to the throne, but he's been rowing in a boat for three seasons now. No telling where he's going to finally show up. Plus, he's a bastard and no one knows him. Now that Stannis is gone there are no more Barratheon brothers either, right? Nor do they have any offspring heirs.
So I have no idea who would be next in line for the throne. Even assuming, that is, that the next king wouldn't be seizing power and it would be an orderly and peaceful transfer.
This line between Margaery and her brother makes me think the Tyrells believe it would be Loras.
Good luck with making that heir.
7. PC bro Tommen confesses something the High Sparrow told him to his mother.
But what does he confess? Does he confess that Margaery will have to make a walk of attonement or does Cersei make that story up because she knows Grandma Tyrell won't allow it?
I'm guessing the latter.
If so, Cersei plays this brilliantly, the new plan is for the Tyrell army to destroy the sparrows and free all the prisoners.
But now will Cersei go to the High Sparrow and let him know the Tyrell army is coming in an effort to eliminate the Tyrells once and for all from the equation? Or does she hate the High Sparrows enough that she's willing to share power with the Tyrells?
Look out, this battle can still go in a number of different directions.
8. Theon returns to the Iron Islands and endorses his sister to be the next ruler.
I'm not sure what role the Iron Islands are going to play in anything, but I hope Theon gets some measure of redemption and gets to cut Ramsay's dick off before this season ends.
9. Ramsay kills the wildling who tried to protect Rickon and then eats an apple with the same knife.
We all knew there was no way Ramsay was dying like this, right?
To make up for the fact that Ramsay didn't die, here's another bikini beach catfight.
BEACH FIGHT!!! pic.twitter.com/fOIavHg7Q1
— Old Row (@OldRowOfficial) May 16, 2016
10. Just when it seems Jon Snow might not fight, Ramsay sends a trash talk letter to him via horse messenger.
(Did you guys catch Sansa holding up the dick-looking object right after the messenger was shown arriving at Castle Black? For a minute I thought Ramsay had already cut off Rickon's dick.)
Among other things in the latter Ramsay promises to rape Sansa while Snow watches, eat Snow's eyeballs with a spoon, and feed his remains to the hounds.
Whew-boy.
Now I'm out here rooting for Jon Snow to go medieval on that ass. There is literally nothing Jon could do to Ramsay that I wouldn't support. Here's the problem though, what if Ramsay wins this battle, kills Jon Snow again and feeds him to the hounds so he can't be resurrected? This would be peak George R.R. Martin, right? Kill Snow off at the end of season five and then bring him back at the beginning of season six only to be killed for good at the end of season six.
Because at this moment there is simply too much good happening to the good people.
Evil and death has to be poised to triumph.
Just think about the army that Jon Snow will theoretically command. He has Tormund and Lady Brienne -- who judging by the way they looked are going to be screwing soon and producing the greatest soldiers in Castle Black history -- Davos, Sansa, Podrick, seriously this entire army is made up of good people.
Winter is coming.
11. Daenerys has the hottest boobs of all time. Literally.
What an incredible scene.
As soon as I saw the flames I knew what was going to happen, but even I was standing up when delivered the ultimate death mic drop line, "You're not going to serve," Daenerys said, "You're going to die."
The entire temple goes up in fire -- aided by Jorah and Darrio locking the doors -- and only one woman walks out, unburned once more -- bang, Daenerys just added a new army to her repertoire.
(By the way, I still think we discover Jon Snow is a Targaryen in a similar fashion. What if Ramsay captures him and then insists on burning him alive and Snow doesn't burn, leading all of Winterfell to suddenly rise up and turn on Ramsay? That would be a perfect end to season six, wouldn't it?)
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Game of Thrones Season Six Episode 1
Game of Thrones Season Six Episode 2
Game of Thrones Season Six Episode 3
