All That and a Bag of Mail: Auburn Wife Wins Over Bama Husband Edition

BY foxsports • January 24, 2014

Southerners and snow don't mix well.  

That means a bunch of y'all are probably reading the mailbag while your kids run around the house -- out of school for an inch or less of snow -- like devils. 

Condolences. 

I hope you've managed to survive. 

And for those of you who died of the snow, we'll miss you going forward. 

As always, y'all have not disappointed with mailbag questions. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is whoever put together this Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus side-by-side shot. 

Thanks to Caroline for the Gator vehicle shot.

The degree of redneck found in north Florida is severely, severely underrated.  

Now on to the mailbag. 

Bert N. writes:

"Clay,

Ohio State is clearly the most northern school to win a BCS title. The second most northern? The University of Tennessee. Third and fourth are Oklahoma and USC, respectively. I don't really have a question. I just thought this was interesting. I'm sure B1G fans can somehow justify this to you."

That's a crazy stat, but I think it speaks to a larger issue -- northern schools are screwed.

The demographics just really work against very many of these schools being able to compete at a high level. Sure, Ohio State or Michigan or Penn State or Wisconsin might cycle up at the perfect time to win a BCS title, but in order to do so they'll probably have to beat two schools that have a much better demographic footprint.

I don't think that's very likely.  

Just under forty percent of all FBS scholarships are taken by kids from Florida, Texas, or Southern California. So all of the schools in these states, and those in close proximity to these states, have tremendous advantages when it comes to recruiting. What's more, populations in sunbelt regions are all expanding rapidly so the advantages are only increasing for these areas. Plus, how many Southern kids are really willing to go north for football? A relatively small percentage. 

I'd encourage you to go look at the data here on where recruits have come from in the past five signing classes.

How good is the talent in Texas and Florida? Each state produced enough FBS players to sign 17 or more full recruiting classes just with players from those states. 

Is it any surprise that the state of Florida won five BCS titles, that Louisiana won two and that Alabama won five?

Not really. 

If anything, it makes you wonder how in the world Texas only won a single title. 

Anonymous writes:

"Please don't use my real name because I have friends who are readers.



My husband is a huge Alabama fan and graduate (one of the 15%). I graduated from Auburn, and I am an avid AU fan. Needless to say, football season at our house is very interesting.



He absolutely hates Auburn. I hate Alabama, so really all is usually good. But as the 2013 season started, and he was actively cheering for Washington State over Auburn, for some reason, it really irriated me. Not that I wanted him to actually want Auburn to win (I knew that was impossible), but I did not want him to cheer so hard for the opposing team. So I came up with an idea: I would give him a blow job after every Auburn win. He thought that was a great idea, obviously. For all of your female readers out there, this really worked. He became a much easier football fan to deal with. Of course, I nearly contracted TMJ due to the amazing season Auburn had."

Here's the big question, how many blow jobs would you have to promise in order to get him to change his rooting interest -- at least privately -- to Auburn from Alabama? (Since he's a graduate he'd have to maintain his Bama allegiance publicly.) 

Every man has a blow job price. 

Especially a married man.

The best old man wedding joke I've ever heard? I got elbowed at a wedding and a sixty-some odd year old man leaned over to me as the bride walked down the aisle, "You know why she's smiling," he asked? Because, she just gave her last blow job."

I almost lost it. 

I'm looking forward to being an old man one day so I break this joke out as the bride walks down the aisle. 

So how many would it take for a married Bama man to start rooting for Auburn?

250 in a year? More, less?

We need Todd Fuhrman to set the over/under. 

Reed writes:

"Clay,

All the talk about your average 3HL listener thinking they could run a sub 5.0 40 yard dash got me thinking about this.... let's say you, Clay Travis, suited up in full football gear and started at middle LB in an NFL game tomorrow. Don't ask me how or why this situation presented itself to you, nor how or why you accepted the challenge, but you had 24 hours to get prepared. Let's say that the NFL offense you were playing against did not purposely target you, and they ran their offense as they normally would. As the middle LB, you faced a 50/50 split of running and passing plays, and you provided as much effort as possible to tackle the ball carrier. Also in this scenario, you were never subbed for, and you also never quit and just walked off the field. My question is... how long would you last before suffering a major injury? Is there a 100% chance you'd get a concussion at some point? Internal bleeding? Do you think you'd last 10 plays? 20 plays? What are the chances you'd die on the field that day?"

I think I would last a decent length of time for this reason -- I'd be too slow to ever get to the ball carrier on rush plays and there's no way I could ever cover anyone on a pass play. So I'd be totally worthless, basically like a ref on the field except wearing a uniform. 

Think about me trying to mirror a stretch play or fill a hole on a running play. There's no way I'd get to the hole in time to even get flattened by a blocker, the running back would be through the hole and gone before I could react. There would be no point in blocking me at all because I'm not making an open field tackle on any skill position player. 

Ever. 

Unless, maybe, I got lucky and fell and caught a foot after getting juked out of my shoes. 

The best defensive attribute I could provide would be just dropping back into coverage on every snap and trying to clog up the center of the field. Eventually I'd get concussed on a crossing route or something, but if I did this for as long as I lasted I might be able to make a couple of pile tackles or at least cause some defensive issues. (If Blaine Gabbert was quarterback I might get three picks doing this).

But it's the NFL, the most competitive league in America, think about what the opposing offensive coordinator would see in the press box.

How long would it take them to notice that the middle linebacker was worthless? Two plays? One play? They'd pick me apart. Assuming I didn't have to come off the field, it's unlikely we'd ever get a stop. Heaven forbid they ever cleared out one side of the field and ran a wheel route.  

At best I run a 5.3 forty right now. 

I asked my buddy Geoff Schwartz -- who played guard for the Chiefs this past season -- his opinion on this question: "I'll put it like this. You'd last one run play. Pass play, not sure. You wouldn't be able to catch anyone on a pass play so you wouldn't get touched."

Titan wide receiver Marc Mariani said, "One series." He then texted me a bunch more analysis and also added, "Make sure you tell everyone I used the right your." 

While I think it would be entertaining to put me at linebacker, running back would be even more of a disaster. I'm not sure I'd be fast enough to even get the hand off. But if I did do it, how many carries would I last. I'm slow and I run upright. I'm not sure I could make it three carries. 

The most funny positions I could play would be left tackle -- can you imagine how quickly the defensive end would get to the quarterback? --, wide receiver -- you would never have seen anyone this slow on the field, kicker -- either kicking off, attempting a field goal, or punting would be hysterical -- and cornerback -- can you imagine how fast you'd get dusted off the line? The receiver wouldn't need to put a double move on, but if he did I would go for it every time. 

Spadilly writes:

"Is there anything worse than a person who can't control his anger & tweets a recruit after they commit to another school?"

No. 

It's unbelievable. Social media has made recruiting a total disaster.

It's just the latest advance though. Because I think you can make a strong case that the Internet benefited two non-technological industries focused on serving men the most -- college recruiting and porn. The Internet created an insatiable and nonjudgmental market for both. Obviously, porn is much bigger -- did you know that 40% of all Internet traffic in the world is porn? -- but how many guys were calling 900 numbers for recruiting updates?

A decent amount, I'm sure, but nothing like the number who consume recruiting online now. What the Internet did was make it possible for college sports to be a year around business. The rivalries never die, there's no cooling off period, it's on-going.

Every year about this time I point out how creepy the recruiting industry is if you flip the sexes.

Let's pretend that instead of future college football players, America was obsessed with future college cheerleaders or dance team members. Imagine if you started ranking future college cheerleaders or dance team members in 8th grade. (FYI, I'm pretty sure Oregon does this already).

"Lyndsey is a five-star for sure. I've never seen an 8th grader with her skill set. She's got loose hips, great genes, her mom weighed 110 pounds and had a tiny waist and a huge bust. She projects really well at the next level."

Then there was an entire industry of grown men who were paid to constantly call these girls and text them to see which school they were thinking about attending. 

Just imagine how controversial this would be for 16, 17, and 18 year old girls.

Yet, these young football players are being objectified based upon their physical make-up, it's a billion dollar business, and no one even blinks when the tape measure gets pulled out to physically objectify these kids. 

The next time some 1960's era feminist -- a view espoused by a surprising number of male sportswriters -- complains that we objectify young women too much, send them a link to a Rivals profile page of a 16 year old. 

Monica writes:

"So you're so damn good with bachelor parties; we need help with a bachelorette party. We've always said NOLA, but recently it's changed. The groom is doing NOLA on a different night so there is no conflict there. We've always said no Memphis or Nashville because we're all from West TN and the bride lived in Memphis for college. I suggested Atlanta. The bride suggested a cabin in the mountains. The bride recently sent an email out saying its looking like mid-March in Nashville for the party, which just seems vanilla to me! I'm flying in from Texas for this party! I wanna go big! What are some girls to do?!

Thank you,

Concerned bachelorette party"

You guys will love it here. 

Nashville is the bachelorette capital of America. Seriously, it's the best possible choice. You have no idea how lucky you got that "cabin the mountains," didn't win out. 

My advice is pretty simple because it's hard to screw up a Nashville bachelorette party -- get a hotel either downtown or in midtown. Anywhere else is a disaster because it's too far away and you'll spend all your time and money on logistics. Then you're set.

Plan on one night of hitting the honky tonks. When you get tired of working your way through those either go across the street to Paradise Park or The Big Bang or head back to midtown. 

Plan the other night in midtown. 

Have fun.

It's a great decision.  

VM writes:

Clay,

"My wife and I were recently invited on a group trip to Vegas. All the guys going on the trip are my old college buddies and their wives (all late 20's/early 30's). On one of the nights the girls have all decided to have a "girls night" and head to Thunder Down Under. Should the guys and I head to a strip club that night while the girls are at their show? Obviously we wouldn't reveal our plans and tell them we are all just going to gamble and drink. Or should we play it safe and actually just gamble? If we do go to the strip club we'd leave in time to cleanse the smell of baby powder and daddy issues off of us. Thoughts? Also pleas just use my initials. Pretty much every guy in our group reads your mailbag and I don't want to reveal my identity."

Your wives are all going to a male revue show -- I have no idea what happens here, but I've seen the Vegas billboards and now linked Thunder Down Under on Outkick, I'm sorry -- and you have to hide the fact that you want to go to a strip club at the same time?

You should 100% go to the strip club.

But even if you don't go to the strip club your wives are all going to return from the male revue show horny and drunk.

That's a great combination for you.  

Preston writes:

"Say that just before Bieber was released from jail that the polar vortex wiped out our entire population except for Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, & Amanda Bynes. Which train wreck does he pick to begin repopulating (if any) and what does the future hold for the US of A?"

The better question is this -- can you imagine what Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes would all be like competing for the only "man" left on earth?

I'm pretty confident there would be a catfight murder. 

Either that or everyone would have to acknowledge that Justin Bieber would have to father children with all three women to ensure genetic diversity. (Anyone else always been troubled about this in the Bible? Sure, Eve was fine for Adam, but who did their kids sleep with? We're all products of incest according to the Bible.)

Anyway, how long do you think it would take for the wheel to be reinvented if Justin Bieber and these three women had to repopulate the earth? Would it ever happen? Would mankind die if Justin Bieber's y chromosome was the only y chromosome to exist for the rest of humanity? Is this the scariest hypothesis ever?

Lee writes:

"Snow Czar Clay,

My friends and I get drunk and like most drunk people, start arguing about stupid things. One argument that seems to get brought up a bunch is fighting. We pit celebrities vs. celebrities, athletes vs. athletes, us vs. athletes, us. celebrities and argue who would win a fight. One specific fight has been argued over like no other. For the last two years we haven't been very happy with the play and attitude of one of starting CBs on our SEC school's football team. So one night, someone brought up the scenario of who would win in a fight between this CB and four of us.

It is basically split down the middle. Some think we could destroy him with four people all hitting him at once. Some believe (like myself) that he could kick our asses and it would take more like 6-8 guys to beat him up. We are not insane people, we would never actually fight or try to hurt this person we just like discussing hypothetical situations like most drunk people. We all read your mailbag so I would like you to answer this question for us and explain why. We are fraternity guys so most of us have what we like to call "blob bodies" so we are pretty doughy and not in the jacked department like this athlete. We need your ruling, help us. Also we're all going to the mountains together this weekend so your answer and probably more fighting scenarios will be the talk of the weekend."

Four reasonably sized guys should be able to beat up a regular-sized college cornerback. (This is assuming that the corner doesn't train MMA all the time because he's been waiting for the day when four out of shape frat guys suddenly jump him at a campus bar). 

Sure, the cornerback's more athletic, quicker, tougher, and in much better shape than all of you, but you have the advantage of numbers. I think you should probably train so that you spring on him in concert as opposed to arriving one at a time. That would be key. If you come one at a time he could probably disable a couple of you pretty fast. (By "disable," I mean strike you in a way that makes you want to cry and scurry from the bar, not actually kill you. Most non-regular fighters are pretty big wusses.) But if you all attacked en masse, I think you could pin him down with your bulk and fatness. Sure, some of you would sustain some injuries, but none of a life-threatening variety.  

The biggest question here is how committed would you be to winning the fight? That is, would you keep fighting if you got rocked pretty good early on? What if one of you got put in a vise-like headlock and passed out. Could the other three guys free him?

If this hypothesis changes to, say, a defensive tackle or the meanest guy on the offensive line, I'd take him over the four of you.   

Andy M. writes:

"Clay,

Need your help here. What is the appropriate protocol for tipping the "assistants" in a men's bathroom? I mean I am pretty good at soaping and washing my hands and I don't feel like I need to throw a guy a couple bucks for squirting soap onto my palms then handing me a paper towel...am I alone here? Then again, I feel kind of bad if I don't throw the guy a few bones. He at least is working and trying to make some honest money. A couple of factors I tend to weigh during this awkward situation -

1) The niceness of the bar/restaurant/establishment I am in.

2) How many times I am in the bathroom - right now my rule of thumb is that the third visit is the tip time.

I figured if anyone could help me solve this predicament, it had to be a gay Muslim from my hometown."

You're asking the wrong guy now because I overtip. 

Always. 

Especially if I'm in Nashville. 

Because there's a 100% chance that the guy in the bathroom listens to 3HL. And the one thing you'll never hear anyone say about me is, "Clay Travis stiffed me on a tip!" If you ever hear that it's a total lie. Also, if you ever hear, "Clay Travis asked them to put The Bachelor on at the sports bar last Monday," that is totally not true either. 

Having said that, back when I was a civilian, I would only tip the bathroom guy if I took one of his candies. (I'm drunk and they have now and laters in the bathroom! Can life get any better?) 

Sometimes -- and we're in the trust tree, right? -- I'd pee and leave without washing my hands just to avoid the awkwardness of not tipping after I washed my hands besides the tip guy. 

By the way, I wash my hands regularly, but I don't always wash my hands after I pee. My rationale is simple -- I know where my penis has been all day. Generally, it's been in my pants. I'm married, no one has touched it all day but me. I always wash my hands when I leave the gym, but I don't always wash my hands when I leave the bathroom. 

This makes sense, right?

Will P. writes:

Alright Clay, I need your help. I've just been selected to represent my company in Las Vegas for over a month, and I fly out on Monday. THIS Monday. I got very little notice. Final confirmation will come on Friday morning, so your mailbag will post right about the time I can start locking things in.

I'll be working very long hours Mon-Thurs outside of the city, but have Thursday night (after about 8) and all day Fri-Sat-Sun off every week. I've got the gambling aspect down, having been once before, and can set/keep to a gambling budget. Here's what I need from you:

I had Todd Furhman answer all these questions. 

1) Super Bowl. I'll be in Vegas for the Super Bowl! This has to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity- what’s the best approach?

Best approach for this is to fine tune your sweet talking ability to con…err I mean charm your way into one of the big parties on the strip. They’ll be extravagant affairs with massive big screens, open bars, and more food than you can eat even if we see a another blackout. If that fails, just find a sportsbook (expect to stand unless you're there early) knowing they fill up early. Energy in the rooms will be incredible given all the prop action decided on nearly every damn snap.

2) Hotels. I plan to stay cheap during the week and then move onto the Strip for weekends, so I'll get to try a lot of different places. Any suggestions?



Cheap hotels are one thing in this town so pick your spots. Mid-week rates at local casinos like South Point, Santa Fe Station, Red Rock Station, and Green Valley Ranch (depending where in town you need to be) will be your best bets (even on the weekend they can be solid). As far as bang for your buck on the strip always look at places like Luxor, Planet Hollywood, or Treasure Island. They’re not top line hotels but won’t cost you 300+ a night on the weekends.

3) Wife Visit. My wife (also reads your site) is being wonderful about this. Michigan girl- they're great, as you know. She'll have her mom out to our place for a few weeks, and then she's going to come visit me Thurs-Mon over Valentine's Day. Any recommendations for couples' activities?



This gets tough, never kept a girlfriend long enough in this town to have to worry about it ha. Red Rock is an awesome place to go hiking especially during mild winter days. If you’re looking for a drive of about 4 hours head down to Sedona for the weekend. Temps could be a few degrees cooler but well worth the trip for a long weekend. In Vegas everything can be ideal for couples just depends how traditional you want to be (dinners, shows, etc) or venture with a half day’s drive to explore the area.

4) Food. I can Yelp as well as the next guy- do you have any personal recommendations for a handful of very nice meals?



All depends on cuisine. City is 2nd to only NYC for fine dining so bring your appetite. Steakhouses SW is by far my favorite (Wynn), Seafood: Blue Ribbon Sushi (Cosmo) or NOBU (Caesars), and for everything else just pick people’s brains depending on what you're feeling. Honestly hard to pick just a handful of spots but would highly recommend everything at the Cosmopolitan as far as dining with the exception of STK.

5) Todd Fuhrman. I'm a huge fan of his work. Any chance you can set me up with a weekend lunch date to talk math?



If you’re a big fan of my work I have to question your judgment. Appreciate the feedback although trying to keep Clay in line has become a full time job. I normally don’t do lunch dates unless she’s a Vegas 8 or better however if you’re willing to buy a guy a drink and a decent meal happy to try and make intros while you’re stuck in this fine city.

If you have any additional guidance for a 30-year old guy who fits in well with people to kill time out there (not interested in strip clubs), lay it on me! I'll have a car, so Hoover Dam is a possibility. I hope you can help- I know you're a big fan of well-spent leisure time. BGID indeed!



No one is really interested in strip clubs but if you’re going to be in Vegas you have to visit at least 1 of the big ones (Sapphires or Spearmint Rhino) but if not go through the effort of getting into a big nightclub. Take your wife if it will make you feel better, you’d be amazed how many couples you can find in there at a reasonable hour because of the fascination with Vegas strip clubs. Of course don’t take her there at 4am…

 

Scott S. writes:

"I love the Outkick site, but I have one question. Why would I buy pants here? I've been listening to 3HL since its inception and reading OKtC since you started it so I'm sure the pants are of impeccable quality. I just never thought I'd be reading a sports website and think to myself 'Scott you need you some new pants.' Anyway, just a thought."

Because, you bastard, everything is free here. And the pants are of impeccable quality.  Plus, college team-colored pants are an untapped market. 

Based on sales, this has proven to be true. 

We also have t-shirts. 

Which lots of you are buying.

So if you like the site, thanks, and go buy gear.

Honestly, the idea is pretty simple -- Outkick's gotten so big, why not go ahead and pay for the site by selling things to you guys instead of selling ads to others? I think it's a pretty good business model. For the next seventeen months Fox sells our ads, but then we'll see what happens after that. 

If we need to, I think we'll have the revenue from a couple of businesses to go completely independent again.

That is, unless Outkick decides to fire that asshole Clay Travis. 

...

For those of you who have ever found yourself wondering, how does someone end up a porn star, this week's Outkick the Podcast is with Outkick fan Courtney Cummings.

Warning, it's rated R.

 


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