2013 Fantasy SPAM mail league

BY Ryan Fowler • July 30, 2013

While fantasy football leagues continue to form around the world, fringe fantasy sports have tried to ride those coattails into the mainstream.

Although, fantasy fishing, cricket and surfing have yet to dominate the global stage, I believe their mere existence opens the door for more obscure fantasy commissioner leagues to evolve.

One of the most common excuses as to why Joe Six Pack can’t participate in fantasy sports is “Ain’t nobody have time for that.” As we continue to work with Mr. Six Pack on his communication skills, I think I’ve come up with an immediate solution to fantasy sports’ demanding schedule.

Introducing the Fantasy SPAM League (FSL).

Our inboxes are overflowing with this e-fool’s gold. Some poor schmucks in a sweatshop dungeon cooked up these poetic narratives to scam us out of thousands of dollars. But what if we flipped the swindler’s script and the contents of our SPAM folder won us cold, hard (real) cash?

Turn those SPAM filters off kids – it’s time to prepare for your FSL Draft.

Fantasy SPAM League Rosters

As is the case with any fantasy league, you need to construct a starting lineup. In fantasy football, you start a quarterback, running back, two wide receivers, a tight end, a FLEX, defense, and kicker. Following a similar roster structure, your weekly FSL starting lineup will look like this:

Subject Line - You only get one chance to make a false impression

Greeting - Flattery or addressing me as “Your Excellency” will get you everywhere

Paragraph 1 - Tell me about your inheritance

Paragraph 2 - Tell me how I can help you

Paragraph 3 - I tell you my social security number and four-digit PIN

Closing - “Regards” is the Adrian Peterson of the Fantasy SPAM League

Signature Title - Kings, chairmans, oil tycoons, etc all apply

Fantasy SPAM League Scoring

Because FSL owners will be asked to turn off their SPAM filters in-season, we can assume inboxes will be filled to the gills with emails containing critical fantasy points. So, we’ll be adopting a KISS method when it comes to FSL weekly scoring. Each time a word in your starting lineup appears in a SPAM email, you are awarded one point with the following positions weighted as such:

• Subject (word x 4)
• Greeting (x2)
• Paragraph 1 (x1)
• Paragraph 2 (x2)
• Paragraph 3 (x3)
• Closing (x2)
• Signature (x1)

Fantasy SPAM League Rankings

Just like other fantasy leagues, owners need to prepare for their upcoming FSL draft with expert rankings and cheat sheets. I've provided the Top 25 Fantasy SPAM League word rankings for the upcoming season with brief analysis of each. Start studying these rankings now and don't forget to review the most recent SPAM mail in your junk folder for words on the rise!

Fantasy SPAM League Top 25 Word Rankings
Rank Word Position(s) Note
1 Viagra Subject / P123 Viagra transposed some letters and is day-to-day, but remains Top 3 pick
2 Inheritance P123 An annual FSL leader in scoring - versatile throughout the body of the email
3 Money Subject / P123 Here's a word that makes the world go round - I like this word - it can play for me
4 Oil P123 Texas tea is for me - an annual fantasy SPAM stud
5 Inches Subject / P123 No comment
6 Payment Subject / P123 SPAM emails are always looking to close deals
7 Account P123 King Charles of the River Basin needs words like "accounts" to close deals and provide payments
8 RX Subject A cagey veteran in the SPAM game - the Derrick mason of the FSL with more points-per-week
9 Transfer P123 You lock up this word and watch the points pile up
10 Regards Closing Again, the Adrian Peterson of FSL "closings"
11 Free Subject Drafting FREE in the first round will make your opponents PAY later
12 Barack Subject As consistent as they come in the SPAM game
13 Investment P123 Plenty of untapped talent with this word - buy low if you can
14 Healthcare Subject Hate to mix social issues with sports?  Now you have a reason to embrace both!
15 Women Subject No comment necessary
16 Invitation Subject Will it be from your Aunt Sally or the Chairman of the Board?  You better hope the latter.
17 Funds P123 A core word behind any solid SPAM narrative looking to help you make millions
18 Sir or Madam Greeting The spammers are so polite, FSL owners should take advantage
19 Government P123 They hold the man down and the spammers from transfering money/funds
20 Officials P123 Start both "Government" and "Officials" (See: DeAngelo Williams / Jonathan Stewart)
21 Wired P123 My good friend the diplomat (No. 21) assures FSL owners that "wired" is a safe bet in the second round
22 Routing P123 These nine digits attached to your checking account could earn you uber-fantasy SPAM league points
23 Diplomat P123 He's here to help you make money ... after you give him your social security number
24 Beneficiary Subject / P123 SPAMmers could pick anybody to leave their fortune to, but they picked YOU!
25 Transaction(s) P123 A FSL word with upside.  The downside of a SPAM transaction?  They steal your ID.

Note: this article is a parody and there is no such thing as the Fantasy SPAM league (yet). If your immediate reaction is confusion, now you know how I felt when I learned fantasy surfing leagues existed.

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