It's been said the Opening Ceremony of the Rio Olympics cost 12 times less than than London and 20 times less than Beijing and boy did it show.
Brazil's Opening Ceremony wasn't a snooze because only $3-$5 million (approximately) was spent on it. Money doesn't equal quality - just ask people who saw Batman v. Superman. Instead, it was an immense bore because it felt like a school project rather than a celebration by a country renowned for partying, reveling and dancing.
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I yawned more than I smiled, which is tough in an event in which literally ever single person enters the stadium with a huge, Christmas-morning grin on their face. (Of course the athletes and fans enjoyed it; being there is a whole different experience.) A five-minute discussion about global warming and the cutting down of trees was a nice reminder of Brazil's attempt to reverse its decades of massive deforestation but it was out of place here. The last section before the Parade of Nations was a huge dance fest (Gisele was partying like she was with her ponytailed husband at Carinval) but it was about as choreographed as my daughter's 2-year-old singing recitals. The various dance-offs looked like a great time, but no one needed a Carnival homage as the Ceremony lurched toward four hours.
Some other thoughts:
1. The first image of the Ceremony was of a beautiful, crashing wave.It was as if Brazil could not way to tell the world,see, not all of our water is fetid and contains doll's heads.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - JULY 29: Pollution floats in Guanabara Bay, site of sailing events for the Rio 2016 Olympic Games, on July 29, 2015 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The Rio government promised to clean 80 percent of pollution and waste from the bay in time for the games but admits that goal now is unlikely to be reached. August 5 marks the one-year mark to the start of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games. (Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)
2. Among the first parts of the Ceremony were a drumming demonstration that looked like 500 Tin Mans having an aluminum foil fight. (Beijing's drumming ruined every other Opening Ceremony from doing the same. Just stop. You're not beating that. They had 2,008 people. Stop trying to make it happen.) Then, there was a tale about the founding of Brazil from Europe which looked like animated storyboards from Kevin Costner's Waterworld. There were also scenes that looked like the opening to Les Miserables, a Missy Elliot video and West Side Story, but without any of the wit or style.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 05: Dancers perform during the Opening Ceremony of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at Maracana Stadium on August 5, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
3. The 3D projector on the floor, like the one used before most NBA games, was fantastic - namely when a few dozen volunteers ran across the "rising" cities of Brazil and onto a set that looked like Elvis's from Jailhouse Rock. If the whole thing had been these guys climbing and doing parkour, nobody would have complained.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 05: A general view during the Opening Ceremony of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at Maracana Stadium on August 5, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Pool/Getty Images)
4. At one point before the Parade, that projector showed water turning into a group of microorganisms that separated and then joined together. If not for the script handed to Matt Lauer, one could have believed we were watching the birth of Zika.
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5. Brazil, you're a wonderful place. Your people are great. Your tapestry is rich. Rio is one of the most picturesque cities in the world and, hopefully, you will prove the doubters wrong by pulling off the Olympics the same way you did the World Cup. All that being said, y'all didn't invent the airplane. (One portion of the Ceremony dealt with Alberto Santos-Dumon, who had an early-20th century beef with the Wright brothers in which he claimed the first flight.)
1. The first image of the Ceremony was of a beautiful, crashing wave. It was as if Brazil couldn't way to tell the world,
6. It was pretty cool to get to the Hulk to show up.
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7. And then, all of a sudden, it was over. Fifty minutes after the start of the show-off portion of the Ceremony, there was an abrupt ending and the Parade began. Nobody was complaining - the Parade of Nation rules, even at two hours, seven minutes.
8. I'd say one out of every 10 athletes had their phone out taking selfies and/or video of their entrance into the Maracana. I don't get it. Taking a picture once you've stationed yourself? Knock yourself out. But a video when you're walking in? Enjoy the moment! Look around! Don't be checking to see if the focus is right. How many times are the athletes going to look at that video in their lives? Once, when they show mom? I mean, it's not like a wedding video where the whole point is to know you have it if you ever want to see it. If these athletes wanted a recording of the Opening Ceremony, that's what DVR is for, y'all.
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9. Each country was led into the stadium by a man or woman on a bizarre-looking three-wheel bike. Filled with flowers, plants, watering cans and enough bright colors to look like your fourth-grade Trapper Keeper, the whole thing looked like something that sprung from the minds of Dr. Seuss and Tim Burton after spending an afternoon with Timothy Leary.
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10. In case "walk straight down the middle of the stadium in the manmade aisle" and "follow the trippy bike" wasn't enough, volunteers stood in ridiculously colorful shirts with pink arrows on them to direct athletes. That's a good tip, Rio.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 05: Flag bearer Peter Burling of New Zealand leads his team during the Opening Ceremony of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at Maracana Stadium on August 5, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images)
11. Andy Murray discussed with the BBC how he was hoping to hold the British flag with one hand, you know, like a boss. He did.
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12. Michael Phelps was all about that harness, however.
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13. Murray won that battle against Phelps, but not the war. Because, Andy, did your shirt light up like you were a neon sign high above Times Square? I thought not.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 05: Members of the United States enter the stadium during the Opening Ceremony of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at Maracana Stadium on August 5, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Lars Baron/Getty Images)
14. It was nice to see Rafa Nadal with a smile, for once this year.
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15. Athletes likely to turn to real estate: Argentina.
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16. Have you met our new Tongan best friend?
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL - AUGUST 05: Flag bearer Pita Nikolas Aufatofua of Tonga leads his Olympic Team during the Opening Ceremony of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at Maracana Stadium on August 5, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (Photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images)
17. Guga (Gustavo Kuerten) carrying the flame into the stadium was great. He's the three-time French Open champion, former world No. 1 and universally beloved tennis player. But with two Olympic appearances - one in which he made the QF, the other in which he lost in the first round - it was wonderful that he passed it off.
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18. Though the cauldron-lighting was anticlimactic, seeing Vanderlei de Lima, who had the lead in the 2004 marathon before he was tackled four miles from the finish and eventually overtaken, but still won bronze, was a treat. De Lima never complained about the moment and was awarded the Olympics' Pierre de Coubertin medal for sportsmanship. That's as worthy as it gets.
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The best thing you can say about Brazil's Opening Ceremony was that it was unmemorable in every way, which is to say that all the naysayers predicting doom and gloom were wrong, for tonight. Let's hope for 16 more days of that.
Forget the Ceremony. It's time for the Games.
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