Arizona Cardinals

What NFL teams deserve this Christmas

Updated Mar. 4, 2020 7:28 p.m. ET

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Fansided, Andrew Hammond/Fansided

This Christmas, all 32 teams deserve something for the holiday, whether they deserve it or not. 

At the moment you read this, you may be wrapping presents for a special someone or waiting for Santa Claus to come because, as you know, he is very, very real.

So now I’ve taken it upon myself to dish out 32 Christmas presents to the NFL’s 32 teams because they all deserve presents. Yes, even the Cleveland Browns deserve something for Christmas. So, what do you get teams who seemingly have everything? Don’t worry, I’ve got that figured out.

Let’s start in the AFC shall we…

New England Patriots – What do you get the Patriots? I mean, it’s pretty simple. You get them a healthy Rob Gronkowski. He may be the reason why the Patriots could struggle in early January or February, as he’s a true “X-Factor” for that team.

New York Jets – A new coach and a new QB. It’s easy to give that to them now since they’ll both be replaced at the end of the season anyway.

Miami Dolphins – A healthy Ryan Tannehill, because Matt Moore won’t take the Dolphins far in the postseason.

Buffalo Bills – A smart GM and a smart head coach. Come on, now, baby steps here.

Cincinnati Bengals – A time machine so they can fire Marvin Lewis like they should’ve done a year ago.

Baltimore Ravens – A redo on the four-game losing streak they encountered during the middle of the season. That losing streak might be one of the reasons they miss out on the playoffs.

Cleveland Browns – A “W” because the franchise hasn’t seen one in over a year.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Going on the road in the playoffs and not having to play in Kansas City or New England. Those are the only two places that would stop the Steelers from reaching Super Bowl 51.

Denver Broncos  –A much better QB than the one they have now. Hey, maybe they should’ve kept Mark Sanchez. I mean, he wasn’t THAT bad, right? Guys?

San Diego Chargers – The quickest route to Los Angeles or any major city that will take them because, clearly, they don’t need to be in San Diego.

Kansas City Chiefs – A healthy Derrick Johnson, or a way to avoid the Patriots? Nope, a home playoff game. That will do the trick. Can you imagine if a Pittsburgh or Oakland had to come to Kansas City? Yikes.

Oakland Raiders – An outright AFC West title for a franchise that’s finally seeing some good luck go their way. A spot in the playoffs isn’t enough for these guys.

Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m honestly not sure what you can give the Jaguars at this point. We’ve tried new coaches, new players and still, nothing works. I guess we can just give them more games in London.

Indianapolis Colts – It’s the same thing we’ve been trying to get them the last few seasons but they keep breaking it — an offensive line for Andrew Luck.

Tennessee Titans – In a division that’s been pretty awful the last few seasons, let’s give the Titans and their fans the AFC South Title. Like, now, before they decide to give it back up.

Houston Texans – I’ve got the perfect gift for Houston Texans fans. For the next 72 days, we will remind you that you paid $72 million just to ultimately to bench Brock Osweiler. That’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Now, let’s go to the NFC. 

Dec 18, 2016; Arlington, TX, USA; Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott (21) runs the ball in the fourth quarter against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at AT&T Stadium. Dallas Cowboys won 26-20. Mandatory Credit: Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Dallas Cowboys – There’s only one thing you can give the Cowboys this season, and that is a Super Bowl trophy. Actually, no, that will make them and their fans even more insufferable. Forget I even said it!

Philadelphia Eagles – While the Eagles haven’t been terrible this season, you’ve gotta give them a redo on their current five-game losing streak, turn a few of those “L’s” into “W’s” and the NFC East race is so much different right now.

Washington Redskins – Yeah, it’s probably impossible but if the Redskins can avoid Seattle or Green Bay in the playoffs, then they’d take whatever route you could give them.

New York Giants – A wedding for Odell Beckham Jr. and the kicking net. No, we haven’t forgotten, Odell, not at all.

Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota is getting Norv Turner for Christmas. Why? ‘Cause ever since he “resigned,” the Minnesota offense has gone down the toilet.

Detroit Lions – Super glue, gorilla glue or basically anything they can get their hands on to hold on to their lead in the NFC North.

Green Bay Packers – A Week 17 date with the Detroit Lions and the NFC North on the line. Chances are this could be happening, and on Sunday Night Football.

Chicago Bears – A new coach and new quarterback because they’re both getting replaced at the end of the season anyway.

Carolina Panthers – A time machine so they could not low-ball Josh Norman on his contract. What a game changer that might’ve been this season.

New Orleans Saints – A defense, like the last few seasons. Poor Drew Brees.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Like the Raiders, a home playoff game would do wonders for the Bucs’ fan base as they are one of the teams with a legitimately bright future in the NFC.

Atlanta Falcons – A path to the Super Bowl that’s easy as hell, because if they have to travel to Green Bay, Seattle or Dallas, then things won’t end well.

San Francisco 49ers – A new QB. Look, I love ya Kaepernick, but it’s just not working in San Francisco and the Niners won’t be firing Chip Kelly anytime soon. That might be on next year’s list, however.

Seattle Seahawks – A date with Dallas in the NFC Title Game. I want to see the NFC’s best go head-to-head. We deserve it!

Arizona Cardinals – I think Arizona needs a redo on this season, as they are one of the biggest letdowns in 2016.

Los Angeles Rams-Hey, you don’t have Jeff Fisher anymore. So, yeah — Merry Christmas!

That’s enough gifts for now, Santa Hammond will be back again next season.

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