National Basketball Association

Naming the NBA's new death lineups

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

foxsports

The Golden State Warriors’ Death Lineup took the league by storm and now everyone wants one.

Every team would love to have a lineup that beats opponents by roughly a bazillion points per 100 possessions. Almost every team will be experimenting with their personnel, mixing and matching, trying different combinations that may be able to duplicate the speed, shooting, and defensive versatility of Golden State’s key unit. The hunt for the next Death Lineup has already begun.

The thing is, it is not in every team’s best interest to try and duplicate the Warriors. The success of that lineup comes from the personnel and most teams aren’t working with the same depth and talent. True success means finding the unique and interesting combinations of your own players that create some sort of competitive advantage. The strategic future of the league can be pushed in lots of different directions.

More important than the blurring of the lines between positions or the strategic future of the NBA, though, is what these lineups will be called. Some say NBA nicknames are dead, but they’re not. Rather, we’ve evolved from nicknaming individual players to nicknaming full squads.

But, like Highlander, there can only be one Death Lineup. All these other imitators have to get their own nickname. So that’s what we, right now, are going to decide. We won’t know if these lineups are actually any good, but we can at least figure out what we’ll call them from Day 1.

Dallas Mavericks: Deron Williams, J.J. Barea, Wesley Matthews, Harrison Barnes and Dirk Nowitzki

Two things that tell me the Mavericks want to play small:

1. Toward the end of last season the Mavericks started messing around with small-ball lineups with Nowitzki at center.

2. Of anyone else in the NBA, the Mavericks made the most unashamed attempt at copying the Warriors by signing their scraps, Barnes and Andrew Bogut. (One man’s trash something something.)

Knowing those two things, we know this third thing: that the Mavericks are going to roll out this lineup often. And, hey, this lineup looks pretty rad. They won’t stop anyone, but they’ll score a ton and, with Dirk at the 5, this lineup has a big Dirk. This is:

The Big Dirk Lineup

Atlanta Hawks: Dennis Schroder, Kyle Korver, Kent Bazemore, Thabo Sefolosha and Paul Millsap

Think about what has happened to the great people of Atlanta. Only two years ago it seemed the Hawks were about to break out of their vicious cycle of mediocrity.

They went through years and years and years of being just better than average with guys like Joe Johnson and Josh Smith. Then they blew it up. They signed Paul Millsap and Kyle Korver, empowered Al Horford and Jeff Teague and won 60 games. It was a come up! People started throwing around names like “Spurs East” which must have been dope if you were a Hawks fan.

And then what happened? The Hawks got swept in the Eastern Conference Finals, won just 48 games the next season, saw their best player go to Boston and saw Atlanta rapper Lil Yachty put out Lil Boat. Needless to say, it’s been a tough year.

Now look at this team. They had to blow it up again! They’re stuck with Schroder, a quite-not-ready point guard; Kyle Korver, one of the best shooters in the NBA who can’t do much else; Kent Bazemore, whose best skill is not sucking at anything; and Millsap, who has peaked as an anonymous super star.

The pieces fit great together, and you can make a poor man’s Lineup of Death out of this team. But Korver isn’t quite Klay Thompson, Millsap isn’t quite Draymond Green, and Bazemore isn’t quite Chance the Rapper. This will be a good lineup. Even an exciting one for Hawks fans. But it won’t be potent like the one in Oakland. This is:

The Lineup of Meh

Minnesota Timberwolves: Kris Dunn, Zach LaVine, Andrew Wiggins, Brandon Rush and Karl-Anthony Towns

These are lines from Kanye West’s Wolves.

Got to love you

Found you, found you

Right now, right now

If your mama knew how

You turned out, you too wild

You too wild, you too wild

You too wild, and I need you now

And also…

Your eyes don’t lie, you’re much too good to be true

You can’t prove that Kanye didn’t write this about the Minnesota Timberwolves, so this is:

Too Wild Lineup or The Lineup Of Pablo (TLOP for short)

Orlando Magic – Mario Hezonja, Evan Fournier, Aaron Gordon, Serge Ibaka and Bismack Biyombo

Frank Vogel showed up and now the Magic have a real head coach for the first time since Dwight Howard fired Stan Van Gundy.

And by real, I mean no disrespect to the previous “head coaches” of the Magic, Jacque Vaughn and Scott Skiles. I just mean that I see no evidence that either of them actually existed. Where are they now even? How do we know that they weren’t animatronic robots from Disney World? Do you have the answer to these questions? No, of course you don’t. I’m just saying.

When Vogel showed up, so did a bunch of new frontcourt players. This whole season could be a chance to flip the head coaching bird to Larry Bird, who fired Vogel because he wanted to play smaller and faster.

“I’ll show you, Larry. You think playing big can’t win? I’ll prove it to you in Orlando!” (Not an actual quote.)

Enter Bismack Biyombo, Serge Ibaka and Jeff Green, to go along with Nikola Vucevic and Aaron Gordon. Last season, the Magic had a shooting problem, and they’re attempting to solve that problem with more tall guys who either (a) can’t shoot or (b) can but are inconsistent. Bold strategy, Cotton.

So while others are going small, Frank’s best lineup may be super big. Point guard Elfrid Payton could possibly be the worst shooter in the starting lineup, which is a not good thing for a starting point guard. Bench him, and you could play the longer, more athletic, and more foreign backcourt of Hezonja and Fournier. The front court of Gordon, Ibaka and Biyombo is saved by Ibaka’s outside shooting. All in all, Frank could be working with a lineup standing as tall as his middle finger pointed in Larry Bird’s direction.

This lineup isn’t what is en vogue, it’s what’s:

The en Vogel

Detroit Pistons: Reggie Jackson, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Marcus Morris, Jon Leuer, Andre Drummond

When Stan Van Gundy yelled this:

He wasn’t yelling at his players, or even drawing up a play. He was yelling at management—which happens to be himself — to literally (not literally) form a wall. Get bigger players, Stan! Form an effing wall!

And so GM SVG listened to HC SVG and went out and built himself a damn wall. His backcourt of Jackson (a ridiculous 7-foot wingspan) and Caldwell-Pope (a wingspan of 6-8) can pick up defenders early and pressure them while walling off passing lanes.

Morris, Leuer and Drummond are all bona fide big men who can all play center. Morris and Leuer can also step out and play the forward positions.

With two super long guards and three centers, Van Gundy formed himself his wall. This is:

The Effing Wall

*Spoiler Alert! Do not read on if you haven’t seen all of Stranger Things*

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Khris Middleton, Jabari Parker, Thon Maker and John Henson

Have you seen this?

There are two things — and only two things — in this world that I’m sure about:

1. Hotdogs are not sandwiches.
2. The dudes from Stranger Things used Giannis Antetokounmpo’s body to CGI model this monster.

The Bucks look for one thing when they are drafting: Are your arms made of boa constrictors?

If your answer is yes, you’re in.

That’s why Milwaukee is able to run out a lineup of the following wingspans: 7-3 (Greek Freak), 6-11 (Khris Middleton), 6-11.5 (Jabari Parker), 7-3 (Thon Maker) and 7-5 (John Henson). This lineup will be positively monstrous on defense. Opposing teams will bring the ball up the court and be all like: