How 8 NBA players mastered the art of ticking off LeBron James
Pissing off LeBron James is an art form, not unlike glass-blowing or masonry.
Given time and opportunity, most can learn the craft. But to do it well—to truly crystalize LeBron's saltiness and sift through his vast reserves of sodium as if they were your own personal Zen garden—takes the skill of a studied artisan.
And in this discipline, Stanley Johnson began his official tutelage on Wednesday night.
The 19-year-old Pistons rookie hounded LeBron James throughout Game 2 of Detroit's Eastern Conference playoffs with the Cavaliers, building on his work from their initial encounters in Game 1.
And, well, it didn't go super well for him, as pissing off LeBron James is, historically, a low upside endeavor at best. But it did end in a small victory for the rookie—James shouldering through Johnson on his way to back to the bench.
After losing to the Cavaliers 107-90, Johnson called out LeBron, labeled his teammates "cheerleaders" and more or less chucked a pipe bomb down Cleveland's hatch, per ESPN's Nick Friedell.
"I'm definitely in [LeBron's] head, that's for sure. He jabbers and moves his mouth sometimes...their whole team does, like they're cheerleaders on the bench...I wish [LeBron] would just talk when it's 0-0, not when he's up 16 and already got it going. That means something. That means you're confident in yourself."
And just like that, Stanley Johnson became both immortal—or at least immortal in the sense that we, humanity, will always remember the Spartans who defied overwhelming odds but ultimately perished at Thermopylae. Because, as noted, poking the LeBron is almost always a zero-sum game.
Many have tried to get in LeBron's head, few can do it well, and fewer still survived to see ultimate victory.
The following is a brief history of the brave and noble fools who provoked the LeBron. May his tears forever water the flowers about their graves:
The death of old washed-a** Jason Terry
Ah, Jason Terry. Ol' almond-head-looking, eat-a-margherita-pizza-backward Jason Terry. He was a good man. A brash man, but a good man.
Unfortunately, he perished in 2013 after running his mouth against the LeBron's Heat and being summarily placed six-feet in the ground.
"I'm glad it happened to him," James said after the dunk. "He talks too much sometimes."
Jordan Crawford sons greatness
On the flip side of the dunk-struction coin is Jordan Crawford, one of the rare survivors of LeBron Incitement who ticked off the King and more or less left the situation unscathed.
In 2009, Crawford—then a collegiate player for Xavier—dunked on LeBron James at one of his summer skill camps, and the disrespectful jam left James enough in his feelings to provoke him into having all videotapes of the incident confiscated from the premises.
Tobias Harris catches the business
In 2014, Tobias Harris nearly caught LeBron with a swinging elbow and then appeared to remark on his flopping in response.
LeBron promptly left "chill mode" and hauled the Cavaliers to a 98-89 win over the Magic.
Joakim Noah shares his true feelings
One of the most dedicated LeBron provokers, Joakim Noah took his work to another level in the 2015 Eastern semifinals.
The Bulls went on to win this game, but the Cavaliers ultimately prevailed in the series. But for one day—one shining moment—Joakim Noah was king of the provocateers.
DeShawn Stevenson: underrated hater
Remember DeShawn Stevenson? Who called LeBron "overrated" and upset James to point where he may or may not have contacted Jay-Z to have a diss-track made in Stevenson's honor?
Yeah. That didn't work out the best. But he still deserves his own statue outside the Verizon Center.
Lance Stephenson's Blow
The Picasso of pissing off LeBron, Lance Stephenson painted his opus in the 2014 playoffs with The Blow.
The first-seeded Pacers went on to lose the Eastern Conference Finals to the Heat 4-2. But Lance's provocation will stand forever as a shining obelisk to those who would follow in his trollish footsteps.
Nazr Mohammed shoves for glory
For one series in 2013, the Chicago Bulls tried out a strategy against the Cavaliers that essentially amounted to fighting them with fists and shoulders in broad daylight.
It didn't work out, but Nazr Mohammed made himself the centerpiece of the attack and a hero to the nation by shoving LeBron James—a moment James immortalized by throwing himself to the ground in response.
And there they are, the doomed and beautiful craftsmen of a dying art.
Stanley Johnson is the latest to join their ranks, and we can only hope for his sake and ours, that he continues until LeBron retires or Stanley himself has been ground to dust underfoot.
Dan is on Twitter. No painting is as beautiful as LeBron's furrowed, salty brow.
