San Francisco Giants: Aubrey Huff Talks Anxiety and Depression in New Book
The San Francisco Giants never won a World Series in their 52 year history on the West Coast until Aubrey Huff came to the Bay Area. Huff, and his band of castoffs and misfits won the 2010 World Series and Huff led the team in nearly every offensive category. He would win a second ring in 2012 before retiring in January of 2014.
Despite all the success Aubrey Huff had with the San Francisco Giants, fans don’t know that he was battling anxiety and depression behind the scenes. While fans were cheering to see his “rally thong,” Huff was in pain. While fans were wondering why the success of the 2010 season didn’t translate into the next three years with the Giants, Aubrey’s struggles off the field were kept secret.
The San Francisco Giants were Huff’s fifth and final team during his 13 year career. He had also played with the Tampa Bay Rays, Baltimore Orioles, Houston Astros and Detroit Tigers. It wasn’t until the 2015 Off-season where Aubrey Huff revealed that he had been struggling with anxiety and depression. When he spoke to reporters in 2015, he was attempting a comeback to the big leagues at age 39.
“My career didn’t really end the way I wanted it to,” Huff said at the time. “I was 35 years old and I still had a lot of baseball in my bones, but I was going through so much anxiety that right then was a good time to quit.”
In his 13 seasons in the big leagues, Huff hit .278/.342/.464 with 242 home runs and 904 RBI in 1,681 games. In 2010 for the San Francisco Giants, Huff led the team in Games, At Bats, Hits, Runs, Home Runs, Runs Batted In, On Base Percentage and OPS.
“The biggest thing for me is to inspire people because millions and millions of people live with anxiety and depression throughout their life,” he said. “If they can see a guy that’s went through it publicly and go out there in front of 40,000 people a night and know that it can be beat, it’s going to give them a lot of hope.”
Huff has now written a book, titled Baseball Junkie, which he is currently funding through Kickstarter. As he states on the book’s Kickstarter page, “Baseball Junkie is the story of a man who seemingly has everything—a place in Major League Baseball history, success, fame, money, a beautiful family—and yet, finds himself staring straight at a loaded .375 Magnum, contemplating suicide.”
“Baseball Junkie follows Huff through a rollercoaster ride from humble beginnings as a quiet, shy kid growing up in a trailer park in a small Texas town, to an Adderall-infused egomaniac standing in front of a million-plus Giants fans, proudly displaying women’s underwear, his ‘rally thong,’ for the world to see.”
“The book is a portrayal of the internal struggles Aubrey experienced playing in the Big Show. It takes the reader inside the complex life and mind of a man as he balances victories with internal struggles: addiction, divorce, anxiety, depression, and feelings of inferiority.”
“It inspires the reader to seek more than what this world has to offer. To rise above mediocrity, achieving his or her true potential while staying focused on what really matters when the fame and excitement of the game fade with the sunset.”
I had the opportunity to interview Aubrey Huff about his journey in baseball and why he decided to share his story.
April 13, 2012; San Francisco, CA, USA; San Francisco Giants first baseman Aubrey Huff (17) hits a two-run home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates during the eighth inning at AT
MS: “Explain the process you went through before deciding to publish your story of struggling with anxiety and depression?”
AH: “I felt a nagging feeling for a year, telling me “Aubrey, you’ve got to write a book. You have to share your story.” To be honest, a little voice inside my head kept telling me my story would not be interesting enough. That no-one really cares about some washed up junkie ex-ball player. I feel that even today. I mean what if the book tanks and we sell 100 copies? But I felt I had to get it down on paper… to just vomit on the page… once I got started writing, I found it pretty therapeutic.”
“Stephen Cassar got involved and helped me piece it together. But there was so much material to work through. The toughest part was to tell it in a way that made sense. Making something out of my ramblings. The end result is not bad.”
MS: “What positive feedback have you received for taking on this challenge? Have you heard from others and/or their families who have dealt with the same struggles?”
“Yes! This started right after I started talking about my anxiety and depression publicly. People were coming out of the woodworks saying I gave them courage to speak about their own struggles.”
“That also played a role in me wanting to write Baseball Junkie. I would be asked to speak at high schools, and church groups and what have you, and so many people would come up to me afterwards and say ‘Man, I could really relate to your story.’ They identified with my struggles with Adderall, and the anxiety and depression that sunk in once I stopped taking the stuff.”
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MS: “What is something you’d like fans to know about your struggles with anxiety and depression during your career?”
AH: “The grind of the game really gets to you after a while. There is a lot of pressure to perform each and every day. You are on the road nonstop. And it’s hard for a non-player to understand that. For an outsider, I am sure it looks easy. I mean, if someone is getting paid millions to play a game he loves, how can that even be work right? And what right does he have to complain?”
“But at the level of the game the Giants and other pros play at, the pressure is insane. The guys really all want to play well, and give it their all. They don’t want to disappoint the fans. They don’t want to disappoint their families. But it’s hard for any guy to keep it all together. And some fans can get a little weird. You have to learn to stay off social media. People sniping at you from their mom’s basement. Those comments can really get to you.”
“I am reminded every time I watch a game on TV. You have guys throwing 100 mph fastballs now, like it’s no big deal. Even back 5 years ago, the 100mph club… you could count that on one hand. You have to understand. When someone is pitching at 100 mph plus, you have to start swinging before the ball even leaves the pitcher’s hand. You are basically guessing. Hoping for the best.”
“As far as anxiety and depression is concerned… that really didn’t kick in for me until I stopped using Adderall. But I had to. Adderall made me feel invincible, but pretty much destroyed my marriage. It’s a miracle Baubi is still with me to this day. The book talks about that in depth.”
MS: “How difficult is it for you to open up like this so publicly? Or is it difficult? Is there any sense of freedom being honest with people about what you’ve been through?”
AH: “I hate talking about the actual anxiety part of it. Until recently, I couldn’t even talk about it at meetings or on camera. But I know that I have to. To help others out there. I know how bad it got for me. And if I can stop just one guy from blowing his brains out, then I have done my job.”
MS: “What are your fondest memories of the fans in San Francisco?”
“Giants fans are just amazing. I felt right at home the moment I set foot in San Fran. I still feel like part of a huge, loving family. The fans in San Francisco are truly world class and back their team 100%. It feels like you win as a team and lose as a team. It’s an experience you don’t get anywhere else in the country. I miss the game. But I miss the fans the most.”
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MS: “It is well documented about your relationship with Pat Burrell that dates back to Miami. What should fans know about Pat the Bat that we don’t?”
AH: “Ha ha! You are gonna have to read the book for that! Specifically CHAPTER 9: Pat’s Johnson. Enough said. I played a role in bringing him to San Fran… that’s in the book as well.”
MS: “Do you see yourself getting back into the game in some capacity? Front Office? Coach? Analyst?”
AH: “I tried coaching high school baseball when I first retired and I absolutely hated it. But that was partly because I was so messed up, and equated baseball with pain. Maybe it would be different today, I don’t know. I tried several things. Just this week, I actually crossed over to the dark side. I just signed up to be an agent! My hope is to be a mentor for some of the kids that are trying to break through. Hopefully I can help them avoid a few of the mistakes I made. Not sure if I will love it yet, but it’s hard to sit on the sidelines and do nothing.”
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MS: “What is something about the 2010 season that fans do not know about that would help them appreciate how difficult it is to win a championship?”
AH “Clawing our way back into the title race was so hard. The guys were a true band of brothers. A band of misfits that just clicked and worked as a team. Every single guy on the team that year gave 110%. It was like a real rollercoaster ride with so many downs and a few ups.”
MS: “Do you feel like you are in a better place today personally than you were at the end of your playing career when you were struggling?”
AH: “I am in such a great place now, it’s night and day. I still have a day here or there where I struggle, but I have the tools now to navigate through them.”
MS: “What would you tell someone who is battling with the same struggles that you’ve faced and feels like there is no hope? What has helped you the most in this journey through recovery?”
AH: “There is hope. I am living proof of that. But you can’t give up. I spend a little bit of time talking about how I made it out of the pit in my book, but it all comes down to having a plan, and creating a routine for yourself. You have to believe in something, and give yourself a sense of purpose.”
MS: “What would you tell a young kid who is playing little league and is dreaming of one day playing in the big leagues?”
“Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t make it. Don’t have a plan B. Chase after your dream with all your might. When you fall down, get back up, and fight back, twice as hard. I was told by so many people that I would never make it. There were so many times when I should have given up. And my story is not unique. I know dozens of guys in the bigs that have a similar story. But if you don’t chase after your dream with everything you have, you will get to be my age, and always wonder: ‘What if?'”
For more information about Aubrey Huff’s new book, Baseball Junkie, go to Kickstarter to learn how you can help.
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