Alabama Football: Redditor Wants to be Bama's New Offensive Coordinator

Dear person who reads Nick Saban’s emails,

Once again I am reaching out in interest for the open job of OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR/PERSON WHO REFUSES TO RUN THE DAMN BALL IN A WAY THAT PLEASES ALL PEOPLE. As I am sure you remember, I also reached out in interest when Coach Kiffin resigned to be a club manager in Boca. I must say that I find myself slightly frustrated that I wasn’t given ample opportunity to enhance my resume between openings. For the love of God people, it was 3 weeks.

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Similar to anyone looking for a job opportunity, I often have to er…enhance my resume. For example, a 119 rushing yard performance may be rounded up to 350. My ruler skips directly from 3 inches to 7, if you catch my drift. However, I can unabashedly state that I will not have to exaggerate on this resume.

I have a better career win percentage at my middle school than Coach Sarkisian had at the University of Alabama. As a matter of fact, I have more than 10x the wins than Coach Sark was able to tally as Offensive Coordinator. Not only have I managed to tally more Ws, but I also have a lower percentage of boogers ate on national television. I also have been drunk on an airplane less than my predecessor, although it is worth noting that the only time I have flown was when my father placed me in an overhead compartment to “minimize the family’s expenditure.”

I feel as if the University of Alabama offers a unique opportunity. I already have a gameplan in place that will improve on what Coach Sark started. For example, I noticed that the roster on RollTide.com shows more than 1 runningback. I’m sure Coach Sark’s short turnaround caused him to miss this fact, but I am already prepared.

I also want to bring an innovative approach to the offense by only using bubble screens. My passing philosophy is “If it’s past the line, that sh*t ain’t fine.” I also plan to recruit sumo wrestlers as slot receivers to effectively run pick plays. Apparently that’s how things are done now.

I can only hope to follow in the steps of a man who’s offensive play calls in the second half cost him a championship. Coach Sark was able to use this approach to replace Kyle Shanahan, a coach who’s offensive play calls in the second half cost him a championship. I’ve gone Negan on two televisions this year. Unfortunately, Lucile is the name of my dog.

I look forward to hearing from you, tjelliott12