Ronaldinho destroys futsal league with absurd five-goal performance

He’s not much in an international match anymore, but a sunsetting Ronaldinho can still tear throats against some overmatched human bowling pins in the boiled-down game of futsal. 

The 36-year-old Brazilian soccer star suited up for Goa 5s of the Premier Futsal league on Sunday and tuned up the Bengaluru 5s with five goals in one outing. Sports TV posted video of Ronaldinho giving these poor, lost children the business. No prisoners were taken. 

Ronaldinho stuck his first in in the sixth minute, dekeing the Bengaluru goalkeeper and sidestepping his prone body for an open netter. 

On his next goal, he took the opposite tact, and threaded the ball through multiple defenders—possibly passing it through their very sinew.

This where we need Ronaldinho, guys. This is exactly his speed.

Futsal checks all the boxes Ronaldinho requires in his old age: inferior opponents just good enough to keep it interesting, a small field his expanding tummy can navigate without undue exertion. And cheerleaders for him to samba with.

Unfortunately, like a carriage turning back to a pumpkin, Ronaldinho immediately abandoned the remainder of his futsal contrat. Per The World Game’s Nick Houghton, the Brazilian stated he needed to return to return to his native country to act as Paralympics brand ambassador. 

So no more Dinho-Futsal, at least for now. Womp womp.

Dan is on Twitter. R.I.P., FIFA 2007 Ronaldinho.