Pep Guardiola threatened to castrate Bayern Munich players if they lost

Bayern Munich found themselves down in the second leg of their UEFA Champions League round of 16 tie against Juventus, in need of two goals to force extra time. They got them, with the equalizer being a phenomenally dramatic goal by Thomas Muller in stoppage time. But that wasn’t enough for manager Pep Guardiola. He demanded his team win the match in extra time — threatening he’d castrate them if they didn’t.

"He told us that he’d cut our balls off," Muller told Kicker after the match. "Of course, there are a lot of emotions. I wouldn’t be any different as a coach. We wanted to play for the third goal, because we still had energy left in us."

Bayern Munich would go on to score two goals in the extra 30 minutes because the alternative was castration. Motivation is important.

Male genitals apparently play a very important role in the Champions League knockout stages. Two years ago, when Atletico Madrid came from behind to beat Chelsea and earn a spot in the final, manager Diego Simeone thanked the players’ moms for their, well …

"I want to thank the mothers of these players because they gave birth to them with balls this big," Simeone said after the tie.

So let it be known: The Champions League is decided by what’s down there. Either by having large ones, or by being threatened with losing them altogether. This is the key to high-level male European soccer.