Thieves make off with Luongo’s tires

So, imagine you’re Roberto Luongo. Things for you haven’t been super awesome as of late.

You got demoted last season, and after basically being told that you were going to be traded this offseason (and even putting your condo on the market), your team traded the guy who took your job instead.

Normally, that would be a good thing — but you’re still not sure what that means for you. All you can be sure of is that you still don’t want to be there and the entire city of Vancouver (which is still kind of miffed about your 2011 Stanley Cup flop) still doesn’t really want you. Well, except for these guys anyway:

At least this summer offered you an opportunity to take your mind off hockey and focus some of your pent up energy on your other love: Poker. Except that went about as well as your goaltending — and one year after winning $19,277 in the World Series of Poker, you got eliminated on the second day of competition.

But it’s cool, because at least you’re still rich — that albatross 12-year, $64 million contract is kind of the reason no one wants you — and you’ve got a nice house in Florida and a pretty sweet ride.

Except now? Your ride has no tires: estimates that the missing wheels and tires from your Mercedes-Benz GL-Class add up to about $10,000. Even worse? The guy who will probably replace you if and when you are traded is giving you “the business,” too:

So yeah, it’s not a great time to be you right now. But I can help, I think. Because if I know anything about you and tires, I know just the man who took them.