Players and coaches in the NFL constantly amaze us with their brilliance on the field. However, once they step off the field and in front of a microphone, something turns off.
NFL press conferences can be a morbidly boring affair, so we here at FOXSports.com are here to help. Using our handy Press Conference Translator (patent pending), we can decipher what people are really saying under the pile of clichés.
In this edition, we’re dealing with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and his press conference at training camp on Wednesday.
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Bill Belichick: It’s good to see everyone back here. We’ve got all the players back today for the start of training camp. Right now we’re in a long step-by-step process as we head into the beginning of the 2015 season. So we’re just going to take it one day at a time. Today we’ve got some preparation work to do in terms of conditioning and going through some policies and things like that, trying to get everybody on the same page like we normally do. We’ll try to have a good day today and then try to have another one tomorrow and just string them along day by day. That’s really where we’re at. I think Robert [Kraft] took care of the other situation. Tom [Brady] has already had a statement. So, [there’s] nothing really to talk about there. I won’t really be dealing with that at all, just trying to get the team ready and prepare for the regular season as we always do and as we did all spring. So there’s no change for us on the football team.
Translator:Greetings to all you overweight, bitter hacks. I’d rather carve a hole in my chest with a spork than stand here and get pelted with your inane questions, but whatever. I’m upset because I shouldn’t have to deal with this crap. Whatever Tom did with some balls is up to him. I’m not in a position to tell anyone how to live. And it’s Kraft’s job to get upset with the NFL and make a fuss. Quite frankly, I’m not thrilled that he wears suits with sneakers in the first place. That’s not the Patriot Way. I’m miserable, but I have to put on a brave face and tell my team it’s totally fine that we won’t have a four-time Super Bowl winner for the first four weeks of the season. Today, tomorrow and the next eight weeks after that will suck something awful. Happy? OK, let’s get to your "questions" . . . sigh.
Q: Nobody has had more ability to understand his team than you have over the years. How do you think something like this will impact your preparation for the season?
BB: We’re going to take it day to day, just like we always do.
T: Let’s see. Imagine you’re Dwight Eisenhower and you’ve been tasked with invading Europe. Now, take away all of your airpower and heavy weaponry and replace them with water balloons and pocket knives. That’s the hand I’m currently holding. I’m trying to defeat the Axis with stuff a junior-high kid carries in his backpack. And if my players panic, I can’t say I blame them.
Q: Do you believe Tom Brady when he says that neither he nor anyone in the Patriots organization did anything wrong?
BB: We start training camp today. We’ll get ready for the 2015 season starting today.
T: Look, I don’t ask questions. If Tom wants to deflate footballs and nobody notices, what do I care? I’m upset that he got caught. I’m upset that I had to sit through an entire offseason of people talking about deflated balls like it’s such a big deal. You know how much illegal stuff goes on during a typical NFL Sunday? EVERY team out there is doing something fishy! Grow up!
Q: Is there something flawed about the system here in the organization that you keep ending up in these cheating controversies? Can you explain why?
BB: It’s already been addressed.
T: You think you can break me with your blunt tool? I have a mind stronger than Hannibal Lecter. I’ve stared down the grinning maw of Satan himself and came out victorious. So, no reporter with a bad haircut is going to goad me into losing my cool.
Q: Could you elaborate a little?
Q: Why not?
BB: Because it’s already been addressed.
T:And I hate you.
Q: Well, people have a lot of questions — the public, fans.
BB: You heard what Robert just said. It’s already been addressed. Maybe you ought to go back and look at your notes.
T:The American public will forget all about this in a week. Dust mites have longer attention spans. And the only fans I care about are Patriots fans, and they’re not swayed one bit. If anything, you idiots just gave them more fuel. New Englanders never back down. Ever. You want proof? You’re standing on it. It’s called the United States of America. [Mic drop].
Q: I want your opinion.
BB: It’s already been addressed.
T:Here’s an opinion: You’re a gimp.
Q: Were you personally surprised by Roger Goodell’s decision yesterday?
BB: We’re going to continue to get the team ready for the 2015 season and that’s what we’re going to do.
T:We live in a world that allowed Sanjaya (remember him?) to become famous. Is there anything that can really surprise you anymore?
Q: How difficult is it to get ready when you don’t know who your quarterback is going to be for the first four games of the season?
BB: All the players that are out there will practice, just like they always do.
T:Well, I know it’s going to either be Tom Brady or Jimmy Gar-whatever his name is. So, it’s not that difficult. Here’s the difference: With Tom, I’m pretty sure we’re going 4-0 over the first month. The other guy? Not so much . . .
Q: But you don’t know who is going to be in the game, so does that make it difficult to decide who gets reps at quarterback?
BB: We practice everybody in training camp. That’s what training camp is for. That’s the way we’ve always done it and that’s the way we’ll do it this year. It’s no different than any other position or any other year.
T:Oooh! Reps! Loogid this guy! He knows inside NFL jargon! He wants to know about reps! Do you have any questions about press coverage! Maybe some "22" personnel? Nerd alert!
Q: How much confidence do you have in Jimmy Garoppolo if Tom Brady is unable to start the season?
BB: It’s a new season for everyone. We all have to reestablish our level of performance whether it’s a coach — starting with me — player, assistant coach, anybody else. That’s what training camp is for. It’s a new start of the year and we all have a lot of work to do, a lot of preparation. [It’s] a long time before we play a game, but we all have a lot of ground to cover between now and then and that includes everybody — players, coaches, assistant coaches — everyone.
T:It’s not rocket science. We will run the ball, hope our defense is up to snuff and pray for the best. I’ll be shocked if Johnny, er, Janie … what’s his name again? Jimmy? OK, yeah. I’ll be surprised if he throws the ball more than 20 times over the first four games. It’s Martyball all the way. And what’s more, I spent the offseason racking up good karma. Helped old women cross the street, babysat my neighbor’s kids for free, tipped every waiter over 40 percent … all in the hopes that we’ll get the breaks needed to come out of the first month with a .500 record.
Q: Have you spoken at all to Tom Brady since the decision?
BB: I talk to the team every day.
T:No, but I talked to your mom last night. Told her what a big disappointment you are.
Q: Have you spoken to Tom Brady?
BB: I talk to the team every day.
T:Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you had a stutter. Maybe I should congratulate you on making it this far, all things considered.
Q: Is your message to the team about maintaining focus and taking everything day by day any different at the start of this training camp compared to other seasons?
T:I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about, but no. You could have probably asked the same thing with 10 fewer words.
Q: What is your essential message?
BB: I just gave it.
T:And here it is: Never be rude to someone serving you food.
Q: Robert Kraft just said that the NFL is taking this to court. Does that mean that you’re going to go to court with this?
BB: We’re going to get ready for the football season. We start today. We start with our conditioning run. All the players that are in here, we’re going to start our process to get ready for the regular season.
T:Dude, I’m not involved with this and that’s a relief. I hear they make you take an oath in court . . .
Q: What kind of spring camps did Jimmy Garoppolo have?
BB: I think everybody learned a lot in the spring. I think the rookies learned a lot. I think the veterans learned a lot. It’s the start of a season. It’s a preparation for training camp. Now is when we really get to go out there and execute and work on it at a higher tempo and higher level. Not today, but eventually that will be coming once we’re able to practice in pads.
T:Nobody learned a thing. We’re out there in shorts for Pete’s sakes. Anyone can look good when you’re running 7-on-7 drills. And somehow, Jimmy managed to throw five interceptions in a practice when nobody was getting hit. Let’s see how he does when he’s under live fire on Sundays. I’ve seen grown men lose control of their bowels under an NFL pass rush. Even run into another’s player’s ass . . . haha remember the Buttfumble? Classic stuff.
Q: How will you split up the reps at quarterback with the first team offense?
BB: Training camp is where everybody gets reps. We evaluate the entire team.
T:Didn’t I already answer this question? BOOOOORING!!
Q: You’re obviously more than a coach on this team. Why were [John] Jastremski and [Jim] McNally suspended?
BB: Right now we’re focused on getting the team ready for the 2015 season.
T:You finally got something right. I’m definitely more than a coach on this team. I’m a friggin’ god. And as a god, I don’t bother myself with trivial garbage. Especially two ball boys who don’t have the sense to deflate a football in a subtle manner. They were suspended for catching my attention. I’ve cut players for not tying their shoes correctly. These two clowns should feel lucky they haven’t been run out of New England yet. Alrighty, I’ve wasted enough time here. Later, scrubs.