I immediately thought the worst and started collecting my personal belongings when I saw my boss sprinting toward my desk earlier this week.
Article continues below ...
He certainly wasn’t in a hurry to give me any good news. He probably saw that I had picked the 49ers to beat the Seahawks 30-13 last week. Those kind of mistakes don’t go unnoticed.
”You need to pack your bags,” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Another job down the tubes, I thought.
”You’re going to Jacksonville, PRONTO!” he screamed. ”Jaguars fans are having a rally to try to get Tim Tebow on the team! WE NEED YOU THERE!”
My first thought was: The Jaguars have fans? My second thought was: Will I be able to expense my meals?
”Why me?” I asked while tossing a broken pencil into my bag.
”Well, we all know you and Tebow are boys and this could be big,” my boss shouted while rubbing his head. ”They’re expecting thousands of people to show up tomorrow at 3:16 p.m. They will be loud! They will be demanding! This rally could bring the city of Jacksonville to a standstill!”
All of the sudden (after four layovers and a missed connection) I found myself in Jacksonville standing outside the Jaguars’ stadium. I thought it would be a wild scene. I was prepared for the worst. I was ready for pure bedlam.
What did I see?
Two people standing around a sign that read, ”We want Tebow on the Jaugs!”
OK, I thought. These folks are so worked up they couldn’t be bothered to spell Jags correctly.
I approached the group with caution. My boss had warned me about NFL fans and how crazy they can be.
”Why are you guys doing this?” I asked.
”Because he could be our savior!” yelled one fan, who was dressed in a Tony Boselli jersey that looked to be a size men’s medium, at best. ”And I figure this could get me on television. Do you have a television camera?”
”What about you?” I said pointing at the other guy who couldn’t stop staring at his shoes.
”I was told there would be free sandwiches here,” he said. ”Do you have any sandwiches?”
”Sorry guys, I don’t have a TV camera or any sandwiches. I’m just a pseudo Internet journalist trying to get to the bottom of all of this.”
Then they just stood there for a few minutes, looking me up and down before turning around and sprinting out of the parking lot.
And just like that my big break was over. Thanks a lot, Jacksonville.
P.S. wrote: Did not the man ask you to not use his name? Have you ever been part of the CIA? The media is full of you guys who promise confidentiality and then stab them right in the back. Of course this story is just pure comedy. He did not ask you to not use his name and you did not actually tell him you would write in such a way as to hide his identity. If you actually did you are indeed of terrible character. As the media seems to be in general. Please keep me anonymous as I am not authorized to speak about this LMAO.
Me: I’m sorry, kind sir, but I think I did a fine job of not giving up the unemployed QB’s name or identity. And I’m not in the CIA, though I once took a tour of the FBI during a family trip to Washington D.C. as a kid.
Colin S. wrote: The Niners win 30-13 in Seattle? Whatever you’re on, I want some of it.
Me: I think we should both get some of whatever P.S. is on.
Mike G. wrote: Well not easy to suffer through the gifs, but some solid bullet points to consider.
Me: Saying you suffered through the GIFs is like a runner saying he suffered through drinks of water during a marathon. But thank you for considering some of the bullet points.
Gregory D. wrote: First time I have read your article, liked it, some funny stuff, like Cutler’s hidden helmet catching abilities.
Me: Thank you, Gregory. You have now read more of my stuff than my father has.
On to the picks:
Houston at Baltimore: Ray Rice blasted fantasy owners last week for blasting him after his terrible game. Then he realized he started himself in his fantasy league and did this: Texans 27, Ravens 24.
New York Giants at Carolina: Three things you can count on in September: Kids going back to school, temperatures dropping, and the Panthers quickly becoming irrelevant. Giants 24, Panthers 13.
Green Bay at Cincinnati: The only thing more productive than the Packers offense is Johnny Manziel with a sharpie in a hotel room, allegedly. Packers 32, Bengals 22.
Cleveland at Minnesota: Trent Richardson became the first person in history to seem sad about leaving Cleveland. Here’s how people usually react when told they’re leaving Cleveland: Vikings 23, Browns 6.
Tampa Bay at New England: Tom Brady is starting to look a lot like Dan Marino. And we’re not talking vintage Marino, more like crazy-old-man-scream-at-your-receivers-like-they-just-insulted-your-mother–and-kicked-your-puppy-on-the-way-out Marino. Patriots 17, Bucs 7
Arizona at New Orleans: There are only two things that make Rob Ryan upset: Bad plays by the Saints defense and restaurants that don’t keep refreshing your supply of dinner rolls. Saints 27, Cardinals 10.
San Diego at Tennessee: Philip Rivers wishes every month could be called September. Chargers 24, Titans 13.
Detroit at Washington: RG3? More like RGSeeyalaterplayoffhopes. Lions 31, Redskins 21.
Atlanta at Miami: Ryan Tannehill is quickly becoming one of the top four QBs in the AFC East. Falcons 23, Dolphins 21.
Buffalo at New York Jets: Bills QB E.J. Manuel cried after his first-career win last week. Jets fans cry every time they look in the mirror. Bills 24, Jets 20.
Jacksonville at Seattle: Seahawks fans are known for being loud. Jaguars fans are known for being absent. Seahawks 31, Jaguars 6.
Indianapolis at San Francisco: Jim Harbaugh is to acting like an adult as my dog is to acting like a marine biologist. 49ers 23, Colts 22.
Chicago at Pittsburgh: Steelers fans love calling their town “Sixburgh.” This year they’ll be lucky to be “Fiveburgh.” Bears 27, Steelers 20.
Oakland at Denver: Peyton Manning sent Eli Manning the following text after the Broncos beat the Giants last week: ”Nice try, LOL.” Eli simply texted back this photo: Broncos 33, Raiders 13