Shirts for the OneRepublic/NFL fan in every family!
The NFL released a "limited edition" collection of t-shirts this week involving NFL teams and the musical artists from their towns. Some are good shirts. Many are bad and nonsensical and absurd. The following is the definitive ranking of said shirts, based on how good they look and how much the very idea of the collaboration crushes one's soul. I've also identified the specific people and situations the league has targeted with these shirts. I hope Broncos fans love their OneRepublic as much as their team thinks they do!
New York Jets: KISS
You can't be mad at KISS for doing the only thing it knows how to do and cashing in.
Made For: Bathroom MMA, standing for the anthem.
Philadelphia Eagles: Diplo
Not from Philly originally, but Diplo got his start as a DJ in the City of Brotherly Love. This is fine. We're off to a good start.
Made For: People who tweet YouTube links.
Los Angeles Rams: YG
Los Angeles rapper YG partnering with the Los Angeles Rams makes sense. YG is a Rams fan. This is a good thing that makes sense. Perfect.
Made For: Mall kids.
New Orleans Saints: Jon Batiste
Jon Batiste is the frontman of Stay Human—a cool, somewhat under-the-radar jazz group with a frontman from Louisiana. The design of this collaboration shirt involves elements that reflect the artist and his style. This is also a fine shirt. Made For: 30-year-olds toying with the idea of purchasing their first beret.
Tennessee Titans: Jacob Whitesides
Jacob Whitesides is a singer-songwriter from Knoxville, Tennessee, which is not Nashville, Tennessee, but whatever. This is by far the less disappointing of the Titans' two MyTeam shirts.
Made For: people who couldn't afford the Jonas Brothers.
New England Patriots: Dropkick Murphys
Ergonomically designed collar stretches when you're arrested for public intoxication.
Made For: Dedicated macrobrew consumption.
Indianapolis Colts: Fort Frances
"The official website for Chicago indie band, Fort Frances." -- fortfrancesmusic.com.
Made For: telling people you're from "the Midwest" and just leaving it there.
Minnesota Vikings: Trampled by Turtles
A bluegrass band from Duluth, Minnesota—because every state has a Duluth. Interesting OVO / Vikings design. Not a bad shirt for the Turtle Trample Nation.
Made For: handcarving wood reliefs of band posters for sale on Etsy.
Houston Texans: ZZ Top
DJ Screw didn't die for this.
Made For: Telling your son vagaries about past drug usage.
Cincinnati Bengals: WALK THE MOON
SHUT UP AND DANCE WITH ME.
MADE FOR: VIDEO RECAPS OF EVERY WEDDING RECEPTION FROM 2015.
Atlanta Falcons: LeCrae
"LeCrae is fine if you have to listen to Christian rap. But you don't have to do that at all." -- anonymous review of LeCrae from a FOX co-worker.
Made For: People who haven't heard about LUDA.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Mac Miller
This is where we start making the turn toward more immediately recognizable artists and groups. At least they did some original art work for Mac Miller. That much can keep you warm at night, Mac Miller fans.
Made For: Asking your bros to cover you while you pee in a tire well at a tailgate.
Buffalo Bills: Goo Goo Dolls
People forget the Goo Goo Dolls are from Buffalo, New York. "Stand Like a Champion," of course, are lyrics from their most well-known song: "So Alive," from the 2016 album Boxes.
Made For: people who don't want to feel what they because what they are is beautiful.
Seattle Seahawks: Allen Stone
How is this not Macklemore? Honest question. I don't want it to be Macklemore, but it feels like it shouldn't be not-Macklemore.
Made For: asking how recently this baguette was baked.
Baltimore Ravens: All Time Low
Too on the nose? Too on the nose.
Made For: Being found between cars in auxiliary parking.
San Francisco 49ers: Jerry Garcia
Ah, yes: Jerry Garcia and the Bowling Ball Grips—a San Francisco treat.
Made For: Whatever you do in your home that is none of my business.
Arizona Cardinals: Dierks Bentley
Dierks Bentley is a band people like and we can't technically be mad at that.
Made For: Dads in the carpool lane.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Tedeschi Trucks Band
The band's Wikipedia page reads: "The Tedeschi Trucks Band is a blues-rock group based in Jacksonville, Florida, USA. Formed in 2010, the band is led by husband-and-wife musicians Derek Trucks and Susan Tedeschi."
Made For: Cutting people off on the highway as you tweet about how people need to learn the facts about the Tony Stewart case.
Washington Redskins: Wale
Washington DC rapper Wale throws his brand on football excellence.
Made For: honoring the rich heritage of the Snyder family.
Chicago Bears: Fall Out Boy
Fall Out Boy is from Wilmette, Illinois, which is slicing real thin in terms of Chicago-claiming proximity.
Made For: People who say "Chicagoland."
Carolina Panthers: Daughtry
An acceptably vague Carolina musician-group for a team that didn't have the guts to pick a state.
Made For: buying belt buckles, calling in to radio contests.
Detroit Lions: Eminem
A masterclass in burying the lede.
Made For: throwing unopened beers at strangers.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: UnderOath
A more tasteful alternative to Tampa's true musical crest: FloRida and intercrossing stripper poles.
Made For: screaming out the window of your Honda, auxiliary-cord-your-tape-deck aficionados.
Kansas City Chiefs: Melissa Etheridge
What in the hot, savory hell happened here?
Made For: pile-driving apple-flavored alcohol.
Miami Dolphins: Fergie
The first artist you think of when you think "Miami."
Made For: mopping sweat as you wait in the line outside Blackbird Ordinary.
New York Giants: Frank Sinatra
A tribute Frank would've loved.
Made For: capitalizing on ghost money.
Denver Broncos: OneRepublic
The pop rock anthem band every NFL fan loves and deserves.
Made For: closing your eyes and biting the bullet on this Limearita.
Tennessee Titans: Florida Georgia Line
Says "Florida Georgia Line" on the sleeve.
Made For: yelling at the drive-thru box, slotting nicely into the Goodwill bin.
San Diego Chargers: Jason Mraz
Artwork that finally manages to capture the soul of Chargers football.
Made For: staring into the void, asking if you can get your sandwich without the bread.