LeBron’s nuptials should be epic

LeBron James and his fiancee Savannah Brinson recently sent out invitations to their wedding, which will be held in San Diego this September. And by all indications, it’s going to be a top-secret affair.

According to TMZ, which obtained a copy of the invite, there is no time or location listed for the ceremony, and prospective guests are being sent on a retrieval mission just to get the details.

There is a "Welcome Barbecue" on Friday night and a "Farewell Brunch" on Sunday morning, but no mention of the actual ceremony. Instead, guests were given a number to call by Aug. 1 to receive those top-secret deets.

Given the hush-hush nature of the wedding details, and given that LeBron is LeBron, we can only assume that this is going to be one lavish affair that makes one of Puffy’s white parties look like a church picnic.

We haven’t received our invite yet, but we’re assuming that some or all of these features will be included:

• LeBron will hire whoever controlled the weather in the Beijing Olympics to make sure it’s a beautiful day out.

• Danny Boyle will direct the opening and closing ceremonies, and Dwyane Wade asks to add some CGI defenders to make him look more like a superhero.

• NASCAR drivers will handle valet duties. Which will also count as the second race in the Chase for the Sprint Cup:

• LeBron will have Chris Bosh be his ring bearer. Or his flower girl. Whichever.

• Jim Gray will officiate the service, which will go on pay-per-view with proceeds benefitting local Boys and Girls Clubs.

• Dwight Howard will pass out when the LeBron says, "Til death do us part."

• Guests will get up to leave three-quarters of the way through the vows.

• But they’ll return to shout “Mazel Tov” as LeBron and Savannah stomp on Gatorade bottles at the end of the ceremony.

• And on the way out of the church, guests will toss chalk instead of rice:

• All the while, Joakim Noah will be kidnapped, tied up and forced to watch it Clockwork Orange-style.

• As for the reception, the entertainment will be Drake opening up for Jay-Z opening up for hologram Tupac.

• A Shaq-led security team will be on hand to make sure Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are nowhere near the premesis.

• Guests will be able to try their hand at the Skip Bayless dunk tank:

• An Arn Tellem booth will be set up to help attendees figure out where they want to play together next summer.

• A chocolate fountain? Try liquid gold. But not that liquid gold.

• Oh, and whoever is making the cake, you have your work cut out for you:

• The Hora will be performed using a throne

• And for the first dance? The Harlem Shake, of course:

• Absolutely no Lannisters will be invited … you know, just to stay on the safe side

• Maybachs for everyone.

• And, of course, commemorative LeBronapalooza T-shirts.