LeTR fROm RaLLy SQuiRRel AtTornEY


My NaMe is RiChaRD FLuFFYTAIL, III, EsQ. I am A SQuiRReL AttornEY with the FiRm of ACoRN, ChEStNUT and PINECone, LLP. I am LICsenSED To pRaCTicE SQuiRReL LaW IN the STaTe of MissOUri as WEll as CAliForNia, New YORK anD aLL FOREsTS.

iT haS ComE To MY aTTenSHUN That ThE SAiNT LOuis CaRDiNaLs haVe Been UsinG the LikENess of My CLienT, "RaLLY SQuiRReL," In TEEM maTERiALs dURinG tHe NaTIONAl LeAgUe ChaMPEENshup SeeeRiES.

ThiS SAiNT LOuis SquiRREL obSESSION is REpoRTEdLY FuELLED by a SigHTing of My CLIiENT rUNNing past Home Plate iN a DIvisinAL Playoff GamE WhErE the CaRDs BEet THE PhiLADelPHia FiLLies.

NoW All of SAiNT LOuis SeEeMs tO thInk A "RaLLY SQuiRReL" HelPs it Win BaSEBaLL Games. OK, whATever. YOU HuManS are StrAnGE.

BuT tHe CaRDs Are NOw MaKIng iTemS with my CLIenT’s LikeNESS. TherE are "rALLy SQuiRReL" toWELs aNd TEE sHirtz tHaT SAy "GOT SQuiRReL?"

WorsE of All, The Cards aRe selling StuFFed RaLLy SQuiRReLs. ThAT’s an InSULt anD OfFenSIVe to my CLIENT and SQuiRReLs EveryWHEre.

On beHalf of my CLIent and ALL SQuiRReLs , I aM WritING to DEEmAND ThaT the CaRDiNals CeASE and DESIsT All mAnUFACture and SAle oF RaLLy SQuiRReL ProDucts for The FOLLOwing ReAsOnS:

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE no AUTHOrity To RePREsent ANY AffiLiaTion or RElAtionSHip BeeetWEen the Team and my CLIent.

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE miSAPPORPRIated the RaLLy SQuiRReL iMAge without DUe ComPENsaTion.

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE createD an ASSoCiAtion Beetween the TEAm and my CLIent thaT diminiSHEs tHe RePUtatiON of my CLIent to the BeNEFIT of tHe CaRDiNAls.

(IMPRessIVE right? I DID not SPEND 3 Years eaTIng RAMEn IN SQuiRREL laW School For NUTTin!)

ThE CaRDINals CaN to MaKe ThInGs RiGHT, hoWEver.

First, They NEEd To REleaSE My Client, The RaLLY SQuiRREL CapTURed at BuSCH STaDiUm.


His REaL Name is CHuCK. hE was JUst TrYinG tO get HOme frOm woRK.

CHuCK neeDs to Be abLE to MaKE a LIVinG. He HAs 238 SQuiRREL kiDs.

238! Do YoU KnoW WHAT SQUirrel priVATE SchOOl cOSts theSE DAYs?

HEre are SiX thINGs the CarDINaLs can Do FOR ChuCk:

1. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs you TO BUY HiM soME PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS. AcTUALLY He WaNTs aLL tHe PEeNUTS and CRACKer JacKS.

2. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs to SiT in the CaRDs DugOUT at BuScH. No MOre of THis EMBaRrassING ruNNING AcROSS Plate and LOokING for a SEat Stuff.

3. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WanTs to PinCH run for the CARdiNAls AS mUCh AS POSSiBle.

4. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL waNTs an AUToGraPHEd Stan MUSIal jersey.

5. CHuCK the Rally SQUIRReL WoulD likE To eat FRIed CHICKEN and DrINK Beer AND play VIDEO GAmes DURING GaMEs like RED Sox Pitchers.

6. ChUCK the Rally SQUIRReL wud LiKe to meet HeLeN MirrEN. Not SURe WHat ThaT has TO Do With BASeBAll, But Make IT haPPEn.

MAke NO MiSTake: CHuCK and aLL sQuiRreLs like The CaRdInAls and EspECially thEiR ManAGer, TonEE LaRuSSA. TonEE LaRuSSA maY not SEEM liKE a BarrEL of LAFFS buT hE is a FRIenD to ALL aniMALS.

LaRuSSA is EveN a friend To the CATS, Which THe SQUIrrels dO not UNDersTAND. HaVE u EVeR tRieD to NeGOtiaTe with a CAT? TODAL NigHTmaRE. (WorSe than RaTz!)

OKaY that Is ALL, SAiNT LOUis, PLeeze TaKE thiS LeTTer seRIOUsLy.

IF you Do NOT Agree to ouR demands, and You ConTInue to MAke anD SeLL "RaLLy SQuiRReL" ITemS, we ShaLL have NO chOIce to Sign WiTh the CUBs in 2012. And TAke ALBerT PuLJOLs With US.

YoU HaVe BeeN WarnED!