Top 10 candidates for MLB commissioner after Bud Selig
So long soon, Bud!
After some rough early years, Major League Baseball's longtime commish Bud Selig announced Thursday he will step down in January 2015. By the time he leaves the game 22 years after accepting the gig in 1993, he says he will have a succession plan firmly in place. But come on, Bud: Why not open this up for some fresh blood? Well, in our weird, parallel universe, job applications have been pouring in at league headquarters. Everyone from Steve Bartman to Tim Tebow to Frozen Ted Williams (sorry, that's just cold) has shown interest. Sorry A-Rod, you didn't make the cut. But our top 10 finalists are pumped to take America's Pastime to a wicked new level. Let's flip through the applications, shall we?
APPLICANT: Dennis Rodman
EXPERIENCE: Won 5 NBA titles as Hall of Fame player, tagged Carmen Electra and Madonna as a playa. Actual previous commissioner experience: 2005 Lingerie Football League. Esteemed author of two autobiographies (As Nasty As I Wanna Be, I Should Be Dead By Now) and a children's book (Dennis - The Wild Bull) SKILLS: Rebounding genius, body-art expert, dressing in drag, consumption REFERENCES: Michael Jordan (wait, no), ‘my friend for life’ Kim Jong-un, Jack Haley, Jack Daniels PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: Tattoos mandatory for every player. Forget jerseys: All players will rock shirts & skins each game (home team goes topless). Gatorade jugs in dugouts replaced with my Bad Boy Vodka. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’If you don't like it, kiss my ass.’
APPLICANT: Vince McMahon
EXPERIENCE: Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment (the WWE, you dweebs), also founded the XFL L. SKILLS: Promoter, tan and ripped beyond belief, billionaire badass. If Bob Costas gets in my way, I'm going to forget that he is 4-feet-10 and 120 pounds. I'm just going to consider that he's Hulk Hogan, and when he gets in my face this time, I will beat the living hell out of him. REFERENCES: Myself. As I once told Playboy, when it's time for me to go, I would like to be devoured by the biggest, baddest carnivore that ever walked the face of the earth. And then I'd like that son of a b*tch to get indigestion and vomit my remains back up. PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: I'll FINALLY make basebrawls interesting: If anyone knows how to spice up fake fights, it's me! Every game will have a steel-cage match in the 7th-inning stretch (chairs included). World Series on pay-per-view. And, oh yeah . . . two words: MLB Divas! SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’Do not cross the boss!’
APPLICANT: Old Hoss Radbourn
EXPERIENCE: Played 12 seasons as American professional baseball pitcher in MLB for Buffalo Bisons, Providence Grays, Boston Beaneaters, Boston Reds and Cincinnati Reds. Inducted into Baseball Hall of Fame in 1939. Pitching deity; dapper gent. Made handshake agreement to work with something called FOXSports.com (over a bottle of gin). SKILLS: Lover of rum, skilled in ways of the fisticuffs. I once got into a tussle with a catcher after pausing to admire my sweet bunt triple roll 3 feet from me and die in the mud. REFERENCES: Alexander Hamilton. That dying woman who once asked me to 'hit a home run for her.' I told her she was crazy. Sorry, mom. RIP. PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: If commissioner, I will abolish the ALDS, cease all expansionist activities, and return America to the gold standard. And let men be men and admire their handywork after hitting a HR. If I could hit a ball more than 17 feet I would watch the hell out of it. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’This Mariano Rivera? Pfft. Relievers must be ignored.’
APPLICANT: Ken Burns
EXPERIENCE: Award-winning director-producer of adrenaline-fueled, wildly entertaining documentaries that melt your feeble brains. My legendary PBS film series - geniusly titled 'Baseball' - was the most important history of historical history. That gives me a great idea: 'History: Parts 1 through 1 billion.' SKILLS: I enjoy total creative control right now. Nobody tells me to make it longer, shorter, better, sexier, more violent, whatever. REFERENCES: Why talk to live people when there are old black-and-white photographs I can make speak for anyone? PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: It is just 9 inches in circumference, weighs only about 5 ounces, and it is made of cork wound with woolen yarn, covered with two layers of cowhide, and stiched by hand precisely 216 times. It travels 60 feet, 6 inches from the pitcher's mound to home — and it can go nearly 100 miles an hour. Along the way it can twist, spin, curve, wobble, rise, or fall away . . . Zzzzzzzz . . . (Parts 2 through 9 of my thoughts still to come) SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: 'Baseball fever: Perhaps we should delve more deeply into what truly constitutes a fever. Now, that's not referencing an ACTUAL fever, per se. Instead let us reflect . . .' (Zzzzzzz)
APPLICANT: Miley Cyrus
EXPERIENCE: Umm, wait: What kind of experience am I supposed to put down here? Oh, OK. So like, I made a boatload of cash being Billy Ray's daughter and Hannah Montana. And I pretty much crushed it at the VMAs. SKILLS: I have the most photogenic tongue in show business. I can sing, and gyrate a bunch — with giant teddy bears. REFERENCES: Billy Ray Cyrus, Teddy Ruxpin also enjoys my work. PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: 'Party In the U.S.A.' will be the official walk-up music before every player's at-bat. Kiss Cam will be replaced by Gross Cam. My manager and I are looking into several other disturbing uses of those foam fingers. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’Baseball action: Were gonna get all freaky, y'all!’
APPLICANT: Pete Rose
EXPERIENCE: I'm Charlie Freaking Hustle. I'm the Hit King, OK? 'Nuff said. Ty Cobb can eat my jock. What, he's dead? Ah. His grandkids can eat it, then. SKILLS: I'm just like everybody else. I have two arms, two legs and 4,000 hits. Oh yeah, I'm 72 and have a former Playboy model by my side. Take that, Hef! REFERENCES: Floyd 'Money' Mayweather (my pick for Deputy Commish, the guy knows his sports betting) PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: First, new name for the HOF? The Pete Rose Hall of Me. But let's get real: I'm gonna allow players, managers and fans to gamble at the stadium. Jumbotrons will be replaced by gigantic, Vegas-styled sports books. And btw, Jim Gray gets a lifetime ban from baseball. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: 'Get your baseball fix — we bet you're gonna love it!'
APPLICANT: The Iron Sheik
EXPERIENCE: Former soldier in the Iranian Army, wrestling legend and WWE Hall of Fame legend. SKILLS: The Camel Clutch, owning da Twitter, being Godzilla while Hulk Hogan is the Stuart Little . . . I wake up I want to do 2 thing: Eat shish kebob and beat the f--- out of Hulk Hogan. REFERENCES: Nikolai Volkoff, 'Classy' Freddie Blassie, Cyndi Lauper. Iron Sheik also big in the Japan. Bigger than the no-good punk Mr. Fuji. PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: What Sheikie baby would change? Let girlie punk players try showboat on da pitcher after hitting home run. I come down from luxurious box and beat his a--. That wuss stuff. Also, be nice to add real beer to that urine water in stadium. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’I get rid of the steroid; no more raisin balls!’
APPLICANT: Jose Canseco
EXPERIENCE: Two-time World Series champ, 6-time MLB All-Star, former AL MVP, first player with 40 HR-40 SB season, spearheaded steroid revolution in baseball. Discovered fountain of youth. Once boxed Danny Bonaduce. SKILLS: Incredibly handsome, studly in a Speedo, can still jack balls out of the yard at age 49. Amazing soccer header skills in outfield. REFERENCES: Well, no one associated with baseball will talk to me. My twin brother Ozzie — he's almost as good-looking as I am. PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: I covered this with my 10-point plan on my Twitter account. But for you morons who don't follow me: no extra-innings and HR derby settles ties. Also, no drug testing (A-Rod can play till he's 68 and hit 1,500 HRs), but ban players with moobies. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’The national pastime is juiced!’
APPLICANT: George Costanza
EXPERIENCE: Assistant to the traveling secretary for the New York Yankees, latex salesman, car mover SKILLS: Neurotic enough to obsess over the smallest detail, potential genius-level IQ underneath outer shell of stupidity, ability to lie freely and convince myself it’s the truth through sheer willpower. REFERENCES: Jerry Seinfeld, George Steinbrenner, Art Vandelay, Victoria from Monk’s PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: The opposite of everything Bud Selig did, chairs for security guards, new bathrooms in every clubhouse, spend less money on everything. SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’SERENITY NOW!!!'
APPLICANT: Kenny Powers
EXPERIENCE: Being the f****** man, throwing heat, getting paid, having my own show on HBO, riding jet skis. SKILLS: Making it rain, for one thing. Also, what’s the big deal about beer and fried chicken during games? Hell, that should be mandatory. How am I supposed to throw a fastball without some Popeyes in my belly? REFERENCES: My loyal assistant/man servant Stevie Janowski, that toolbag Ashley Schaeffer from Schaeffer Kia, my deadbeat dad Eduardo Sanchez Powers, Reg Mackworthy (even with his just one eye) PROPOSED CHANGES AS COMMISSIONER: We’re getting rid of PED testing. If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin. I’m also making Jose Canseco Deputy Commissioner and putting him in charge of our social media. Dude’s a boss on the Twitter. Oh, and bonuses for beanballs and brawls. None of this 'we can’t charge the mound s***.' SUGGESTED MLB SLOGAN: ’Dolla, dolla, bills, y’all. (or You’re f****** out!)’