The Crimson Tide is just too good these days. We shouldn’t be clinching the SEC West while our kids still have Halloween candy. We shouldn’t consider Atlanta (and Cowboys Stadium, and Death Valley …) our second home.
The following is an open letter to Southeastern Conference commissioner Greg Sankey …
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Dear Commissioner Sankey,
We, the Alabama Nation, greatly appreciate being a long-standing member of the Southeastern Conference. Yours is a wonderful conference, filled with tradition and undoubtedly the greatest college football league in the land.
Which is why it pains us that we are about to say this …
Trust us, it’s not you … it’s us. The Crimson Tide is just too good these days. We shouldn’t be clinching the SEC West while our kids still have Halloween candy. We shouldn’t consider Atlanta (and Cowboys Stadium, and Death Valley …) our second home. We used to have Birmingham for that.
It is time for new challenges for Nick Saban, his Crimson Tide and the beloved Alabama Nation.
You heard us right. The other 13 teams in the SEC simply don’t do it for us anymore. Those teams know it, too. Shoot, the entire SEC East keeps losing to each other simply to avoid the misfortune of watching Cooper Bateman hand off against their defense in the entire fourth quarter of a blowout SEC title game.
The rest of the country is giving off the same vibe. Did you see Clemson finally unleash some Clemsoning against lowly Pitt at home? Mighty Michigan wandered into Iowa City and wandered out with a loss. Washington welcomed the College GameDay crew into town before taking a dive against the same Southern Cal team we ran out of Dallas back in September.
No one wants Bama anymore. And we can’t blame them.
We are the Alpha and the Omega these days, Commissioner Sankey. And when there are no mountains left to climb (not to mention any more room on our Walk of Champions), well, it’s time to create new mountains.
We know what you’re thinking, Mr. Commissioner. Alabama football is the cash cow of the conference. Two guaranteed games in the CFP playoffs every year is a lot of pesos for the league’s piggybank.
But think of the Benjamins that would pour in if Alabama added the Browns to schedule in January? Instead of Rammer Jammering all over whichever hapless playoff team we’d get in the CFP semifinals, imagine our Crimson Tide lining up against the Browns at Bryant-Denny Stadium?
Ratings, people! Ticket sales (we do have over 101,000 seats and the prettiest football palace in the land …) would be through the roof!
The naysayers would line up, without a doubt. Men vs. boys and all that. But have you seen our defensive line and linebackers? A solid two-thirds of this Crimson Tide team will be in the NFL anyway in a couple years, why not dip a toe in those waters a hair early? And Saban has Cleveland Browns ties … it is a natural fit.
So we are going to go ahead and secede from your lovely conference after we beat the hell out of Auburn like the little brother they are (again …) and then bring home another SEC Championship Trophy (again …).