The Bama Hammer Eulogy: The Auburn Tigers

The Bama Hammer eulogy is for the once-promising career of an entire Division 1-A college football program, brought to an end by the Alabama Crimson Tide. Today, we remember the Auburn Tigers.

We have gathered together today to remember another promising set of talents, a team and program with as many mascots as they have national titles and a home county named for a Confederate general – a program with promise had it not met its most unfortunate demise at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Nov. 26, 2016.

We are here to remember the Auburn Tigers.

We do not need to re-hash all of the varied successes the Auburn Tigers have lucked themselves into over the years. Forever the “little brother” to the state’s Capstone football program, the Tigers managed to carve out a tiny little piece of a barren wasteland in West Georgia and make it their own.

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Along the way, they have had a coach named Shug and a running back named Vincent help them to a couple of fluke wins against the Alabama dynasty. Patrick Fain Dye managed to buy him a couple more lucky Ws, the midget offspring of Bobby Bowden a couple more and the wing-nut coach at Cincinnati a couple more.

Perhaps the oddest combination of them all – the son of a preacher and a career loser in a dentist smock – managed the Heist of the Century seven years ago to further send the War Eagles into an undeserved tizzy. That year brought not just the Golf Digest National Championship but a bit more hardware (which has yet to be revoked by the NCAA due to massive payoffs to the freak wearing No. 2).

But a sense of normalcy has descended hard upon the Plains these days, and Alabama’s greatest dynasty of them all (including the super-teams of the Bryant Era) rendered Auburn little more than a greasy smudge on University Boulevard.

The Tide defense is the best in the land against teams of full strength, so imagine how bad it was when the walking Tiger wounded limped out of The Fail Room? And Auburn’s woeful defense, which struggled against air during various points of the season, watched helplessly as Lane Kiffin, Jalen Hurts and Co. sliced and diced their way to multiple end-zone frolics.

It wasn’t pretty at all on Nov. 26, 2016, no sir. We wouldn’t be surprised now if the Gus Bus is sold for scrap and that gigantic TV in their end zone is broken up into a jillion wide-screens to be used as recruiting tools in the rebuilding process.

So please join us at Bama Hammer as we remember the Auburn TIgers for all they were and what they could have been. Because once Nov. 26, 2016 comes and goes, the only way you see the Woe Eagles from now on will be on Alabama Crimson Tide highlight films.

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