Questions with Comedians: Norm Macdonald on Tiger Woods, Chris Farley, & his biggest fears

What is Norm Macdonald afraid of? A lot of things.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for Comedy Central

This week’s guest on Questions with Comedians is the great Norm Macdonald.

The Canadian-born comic is one of the best Weekend Update anchors in SNL history, has starred in numerous movies and TV shows, and is a great follow on Twitter.

You all know who he is … so let’s get into it.

1. What’s your best sports memory?

Norm: When Paul Henderson got the puck past Tretiak and Communism fell.

2. Who is your least favorite athlete of all time?

Norm: My least favorite athlete would have to be the bull in a bullfight. Although magnificently brave as it competes in the sport where all is at stake, the bull has lost me an incredible amount of money over the years. It seems like easy coin. Who do you think’s gonna win tonight, Norm, the bull or the oddly dressed, unarmed man? There goes another $35,000 dollars.

3. Who’s the sexiest athlete out there today?

Norm: Chris Kaman.

Meet Los Angeles Lakers center Chris Kaman.

4. Your roast of Bob Saget was legendary. What’s the best "worst" joke you’ve ever heard?

Norm: Farmer’s holding a pig up to an apple tree and the pig is eating apples from it. A city man, seeing it, says ”I’m no expert but wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you just shook the tree, let the apples fall, and the pig could eat them from the ground?" The farmer replies, "What does time mean to a pig?"

5. You used to work with the late, great Chris Farley on "Saturday Night Live" and the movie "Dirty Work." What’s your best Chris Farley story?

Norm: When I first met Chris, on the 17th floor of Rockefeller Center, he took me aside and told me he had an important secret to impart to me. So we went in his office, and he closed the door, and he swore me to secrecy, and said what he was to tell me could not leave the room. Then he told me in a whisper, "Pat is a woman," and then he let out a big laugh. That big Chris laugh.

6. What would be your walk-up song (to the plate) if you played professional baseball?

Norm: "Escape (The Pina Colada song)"

7. Who would you like to see play at halftime of the Super Bowl?

Norm: Willie Nelson.

8. What is Norm Macdonald afraid of?

Norm: Norm Macdonald fears nothing. Except wolves. Oh, and lions. Oh, also hyenas because I saw this show where they fought lions. But nothing else. Except dogs. Most are fine, but it only takes one rabid dog to bite you and make you wish you had never taunted a dog. Also cats for the same reason. Oh, and people. All people, regardless of creed, color, or nationality. All people are terrifying. But otherwise, Norm Macdonald fears nothing. Except elevators. Who wants to be caught in one of those with a bunch of terrifying people? Also stairs. Who wants to have a heart attack, and lay there waiting for help, wishing you’d taken the elevator? Also birds because of that Hitchcock movie. Also psychos. Same reason. Also North by Northwest. Same reason. Also Bobby Clarke, although he would be part of people, but I fear Bobby Clarke more than the average person. Also confined spaces. Also open spaces. But other than that, Norm Macdonald fears nothing. Except for ghosts. But that should go without saying. And wolfmans. And Frankensteins. And Draculas. And grandfather clocks. Why can’t we just burn all the grandfather clocks and make the world a safer place? No, I guess that would make too much sense. And Barbers. They say they’re just going to cut your hair and then they don’t. They cut everything but your hair and you crawl on your hands and knees to the hospital for another transfusion. Why can’t we just throw the barbers into the grandfather clock fire and make the world a safer place? No, I guess that would make too much sense. And potatoes. We eat them, yet we have no idea where they come from. One guy told me the ground. And fish. They always convince you how easy it is to live underwater, look at me, I’m just a stupid fish and I can do it, so you try again, for the 200th time, and you damned near drown, for the 200th time. You know, this is getting a little long. A better question might be: What is Norm Macdonald NOT afraid of? Hmm, good question. Very good question. What is Norm Macdonald NOT afraid of? Hmmmmm. I’m going to have to get back to you on that one.

9. If you could give Tiger Woods advice on anything, what would it be?

Norm: I have no advice for Tiger Woods. He is the world’s greatest athlete and a true trailblazer. Tiger Woods is the reason for all the young African-American golfers we see in the game today.

10. You love to golf. Who are three people, living or dead, that you’d like to play a round of golf with?