HOW TO: Be a savvy UFC fan

It’s pretty safe to say that I’ve attended a UFC
event here and there, so because I am kind and noble, I will share
some tips and tricks to getting the most out of your own UFC
experience.

For example, here are some answers to common questions that will
save everyone a lot of time:

  1. Yes, fighting in the UFC was cool.
  2. Yes, Dana White is cool.
  3. Yes, the next UFC event will also be very cool.
  4. Yes, working on UFC Tonight is cool.
  5. Yes, Chael IS crazy.
  6. If you’re asking a fighter who they’re fighting
    next, the answer is most likely already confirmed and on the
    Internet. And for the record, they’re hoping for a war and
    they urging you NOT to blink.

Most importantly, here are some foolproof tips to use when
meeting your favorite UFC stars:

  • If you see one of the UFC’s Octagon girls, be original
    with your pick-up lines. For example: “You have beautiful
    eyes, can I touch them?”
  • If you want immediate respect walking around on Fight Night,
    please bring your most violent t-shirt. Nothing says I love MMA
    like a “bleeding Lion” or a “sword carrying pit-bull”.
  • To corner your favorite fighter, work in groups.
  • Semicircle traps work best to corner fighters. Don’t give
    them an out. Back them up against a wall and form a semicircle
    that will keep them there for hours. Then, link arms in an
    “Amish Sweep” formation and leave no gap for
    escape.
  • Have spotters and lookout crews to alert the masses. “Hey
    everyone! That’s Khabib Nurmagomedov!”
  • Know your Silvas. Anderson Silva, Wanderlei Silva, Thiago
    Silva, Antonio Silva, and Erick Silva. (Matchmaker Joe Silva not
    included for legal purposes)
  • Always tell fighters you’re their biggest fan, then ask
    them who they’re fighting next or what they’ve been
    up to lately. Recently, I had one of my “biggest
    fans” ask me when I’m fighting next. I then was
    forced to let them down slowly about how I retired almost two
    years ago.
  • Find two UFC fighters that are fighting each other soon and
    wait until they are close to each other. Make sure you tell them
    that you hope they kick the other guy’s ass right in front
    of them. Sincerity is crucial.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask fighters to sign a dirty pair of
    underwear. They will sign anything.
  • For you guys out there, there is no masculine way to get your
    t-shirt signed if you are wearing it.
  • Prove to fighters that you know what you’re talking
    about, but aren’t nerdy about it and be like, “Why
    did the UFC cut Rousimar “Toquinho” Palhares yo?
    That’s wack!”
  • Always give a fighter some fight tips when you see them.
    “You need to throw more kicks”, “You need to
    keep your hands up bro”, or ahem,“work on your
    wrestling”. Most fighters don’t have time to think
    about this stuff so the comments are usually a big help.
  • Bring four brand-new sharpies. Two silver and two black.
    Fountain pens, pencils, and fluorescent highlighters are frowned
    upon.
  • Have your cameras/camera phones ready to fire at all times.
    Bring a fancy fanny pack to carry chargers, extra batteries and
    memory for your cameras. Fanny packs = respect in the MMA
    community.
  • If you see me, make sure you refer to me as Mr. Florian. Do
    NOT look me in the eye. (Looking me in the eye is considered a
    direct challenge.) When you call me over, give me a compliment
    like, “You look handsome today Mr. Florian” and then
    when I ignore you, thank me anyway out of respect.

It was my most sincere attempt to assist you with meeting your
favorite UFC Fighter. You’re welcome!