He’s probably going to regret the whole address thing. But the entire premise got us thinking. What do you get for the man that has everything (except a TRT exemption, that is)? We came up with some ideas below.
5. Jesus action figure
OK, so we know Belfort probably has this one already. With his bulging muscles and ability to recite Bible verse verbatim, Belfort basically is a Jesus action figure, except instead of turning he other cheek he blasts dudes upside the head with left hooks. Hey, whatever works, right?
Sure, Belfort probably already has a souped-up Jesus doll, but who would want just one of these babies? He can leave one at home and stand one up at the gym while sparring. For extra inspiration.
4. Gift certificate to Denny Moe’s
Belfort has picked up on the trend of getting a message shaved into your hair, which was likely started by NBA players. And, to no one’s surprise, Belfort chose a Catholic cross as the symbol to cut into his faux hawk mullet. It wasn’t a bad job by any means, but Belfort is a guy who’s always trying to upgrade. Why not go to the best?
Denny Moe is legendary in Harlem. He’s cut the hair of stars like Muhammad Ali, Magic Johnson, Diddy, Dennis Rodman, Bobby Brown and Keith Sweat. Belfort would probably be thrilled to add his name to that venerable list. And maybe, just maybe, Denny will convince him to lose the mullet.
3. Bible Adventures video game
We know most people threw out their Nintendo two decades ago, but Belfort is an old school kind of guy. Besides, as someone who debuted in the UFC at age 19, he probably missed a good portion of his adolescence that could have been spent drinking beer with his friends and playing video games.
This game would be right up Belfort’s alley. No, it doesn’t have the great graphics of the next-generation consoles. But it’s an educational tool and fantastic way to learn more about his favorite parables. This one is a no-brainer, bro.
2. A Duck Dynasty t-shirt
The perfect walkout shirt for Vitor.
Belfort thinks everyone is ducking him. It’s only appropriate that he wears it on his chest. "The Phenom" already has a wrestling nickname and a catchphrase. All he needs is a black t-shirt with said catchphrase emblazoned on it. Plus, his haircut is reminiscent of many of the characters on the hit TV show. So is his accent. OK, not really.
1. The Whizzinator
Now, we’re not saying Belfort is trying to evade drug tests. That would be libelous. This would just be for a gag — Belfort would be a hit at parties with this thing. Everyone loves the ol’ I’m-taking-a-leak-in-your-drink joke, right?
We think Belfort would get a lot of mileage out of this clever invention. He’d be infinitely more likable and perhaps take himself a little less seriously. We just hope he doesn’t get caught with it at an airport.