The Five Most Likely Things Nick Diaz Would Spend $500,000 On

In an interview with MMAFighting recently, former UFC welterweight contender Nick Diaz made the startling revelation that he was not “in love” with fighting (gasp) and never truly was, stating:

“I don’t love to fight; I don’t want to fight. I get my ass beat more when I win a fight than when I lose. I know you don’t want to get your ass beat. I feel the same way. I feel the exact same way about retirement. I could give a f*ck. But I’m not so sure my heart was ever in it.”

Additionally, Diaz told MMAFighting that he wouldn’t even consider coming out of retirement for anything less than $500,000, because he “would rather work at Wal-Mart” than accept a cut in pay. This should come as a shock (the first thing more than the second) to anyone who has ever seen a Nick Diaz fight, interview, or press conference, because if there was ever a guy who supported Dana White’s belief that “fighting is in our DNA,” it’s Nick Diaz. Personally, I always assumed that  Diaz punched his way out of the womb (and I cite this school photo as evidence), but I guess enough shots to the head can make any man reconsider his line of work.

The point is, Diaz’s $500,000 assessment of his skills is a lofty, if not attainable goal for the Stocktonian to have. He made $200,000 flat for his UFC 158 loss to Georges St. Pierre, and when combined with sponsor deals, pay-per-view points, and maybe a locker room bonus or two, I’m just saying that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that we could see Diaz in the octagon again. But if Diaz were to cash in on his half-million dollar payday, what would he spend it on? I wonder….(*cue dream sequence*)

#5 – A Seat in the Nevada State Athletic Commission

If Nick Diaz is Superman, then the Nevada State Athletic Commission is undoubtedly The Legion of Doom. The NSAC has served as the thorn in Diaz’s side dating all the way back to his Pride 33 fight with Takanori Gomi back in 2007. Despite besting Gomi via a gogoplata in the second round of their absolute war, Diaz fell victim to what he would likely refer to as “some bullshit” when the post-fight drug test results came back.

Stockton’s finest had three times the acceptable amount of THC flowing through his veins during the Gomi fight, which was apparently a big problem for the Nevada State Athletic Commission (who I’m sure don’t even *like* to party). As such, Diaz was suspended for 6 months, fined $3,000, and saw his victory overturned to a No Contest. All because of a little weed.

Five years later, Diaz found himself fighting Carlos Condit for the interim welterweight championship at UFC 143. It was here that the NSAC truly showed their fangs, not only allowing the judges to award Carlos Condit the victory despite losing outright (ßjoke), but then busting Diaz for marijuana again, fining him 30 percent of his purse, and all but pissing in his oatmeal.

With NSAC director Keith Kizer recently deciding to step down from the position (likely out of shame for ruining Diaz’s career), it would be the perfect time for Diaz to buy his way into the Nevada State Athletic Commission a.k.a the Legion of Doom and right the wrongs they’ve committed against him over the years.

#4 – Platinum Nunchucks

This one is simple: Nick Diaz loves nunchucks, and 500k will buy you one dope ass pair of nunchucks.

#3 — A Hospital…to Fight Joe Riggs In Again

We’ve all heard the story by now: At UFC 57 back in 2006, Joe Riggs and Nick Diaz opened up the main card with a three round battle that “Diesel” emerged victorious from by way of unanimous decision. Nick Diaz did not like this. When the two were being treated for the damage they had already inflicted on each other at the hospital that night (Riggs had broken both his hands), their verbal back-and-forth continued, eventually erupting into another brawl that saw Nick’s brother Nate get involved (of course) and Riggs’ IV coat the walls in blood like a goddamn horror movie.

Both men were fined upwards of $8,000 for their hospital scrap, and Diaz received his walking papers as a result. To this day, Diaz and Riggs have to be separated whenever they find themselves in the same room and have nearly come to blows (again) on several occasions.

If the stories Diaz tells of his crime-riddled hometown are true, he would earn some serious Karma points for selflessly spending his fight money on a new hospital, Karma points that would only slightly diminish once it was revealed that he had done the whole thing to lure Joe Riggs’ bitch-ass into a rematch.

#2 – Hiring Parliament Funk to Play a Concert Every Day for a Year

 

If there’s one thing Nick Diaz likes more than a good old fashioned session of nunchucking, it’s marijuana. I don’t blame him; if it weren’t for marijuana, I probably would’ve never come to the realization that Backyardigans is the greatest television show ever conceived. And if there’s one thing that sets of a good burn session better than anything else, it’s the music of George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. With half a million dollars, Diaz could put on a music festival that would make Woodstock look like what it truly was: a half-assed hippy convention for bros who don’t even lift. Bonnaroo? Bunch of bullshit. StocktonFest? The thing of legend.

#1 – A New House for His Mom

(Just your average moment in la casa de Diaz.)

Now comes the sobering conclusion to this farcical story.

Just days before Nick Diaz laid out the terms of his unretirement, his younger brother Nate made headlines with similar comments regarding the state of fighter pay. Amongst the reasons Nate believed he should be paid more was not to purchase a set of platinum nunchucks or any of the other ridiculous sh*t I listed above, but to put his mother’s financial concerns to rest.

“I got a family to feed. I got my mom. She just got a brand new house and working two jobs still. I’m trying to break her off some money when I can but I’m going as broke as her.”

And just like that, the root of the Diaz’s sempiternal anger was revealed. You see, the Diaz’s aren’t just a couple of money-hungry illiterates who think the world is against them; they’re simply two dudes trying to express their gratitude the only way they know how. Lord knows $500,000 would help out in that department tremendously, so I say pony up, Dana!