Haymaker’s alternate-reality prognostications for UFC 172

What happens with Glover Teixeira (from l.), Phil Davis, Jon Jones and Anthony Johnson at UFC 172? You won't find out here.

Jim KemperMike Roach/Zuffa LLC/Z/AFP/Getty Images

What’s going to happen Saturday at UFC 172 in Baltimore? Damned if we know. This stuff is impossible to predict accurately.

However, we have no problem telling you what could happen. And that’s a lot more fun anyway.

In some reality, UFC 172 might look a little like this:

Max Holloway vs. Andre Fili

Max Holloway says "Hi mom!"

For the first time in history, not only are two fighters prepped before entering the Octagon, someone checks their IDs, too. Luckily, neither is carrying fake identification — Fili actually is 23 and Holloway is 22.

This one turns out to be a Fight of the Night-worthy scrap with both men having their moments. What’s most impressive is how many company logos they were each able to fit on their diapers. Holloway wins by unanimous decision and says he’s going to Disney World, but he has to take the train. He’s too young to rent a car.

Jim Miller vs. Yancy Medeiros

Jim Miller, weed hunter.

UFC president Dana White says at the pre-fight press conference that in addition to testing the entire card for PEDs, he’s enlisted Miller to help the UFC’s war on marijuana. Miller has already fought Nate Diaz and Pat Healy. Now, he’s supposed to take care of Medeiros.

And Miller does so, submitting the Hawaiian in the second round. Afterward, Miller tells Joe Rogan he has an entire docket of fighters he has to face coming up, including Matt Riddle and Tyson Griffin, even if they aren’t in the UFC anymore. But next up? A bout with Jessica Eye.

Luke Rockhold vs. Tim Boetsch

Luke "The Model" Rockhold gets some rays.

On the way to the Octagon, Rockhold somehow calls out three more middleweights and rips Michael Bisping on Twitter. As expected, the former Strikeforce champ makes quick work of Boetsch. Afterward, Rockhold adds another name to his hitlist, challenging Carlos Condit to a model-off to determine who’s the most handsome man in the UFC.

Phil Davis vs. Anthony Johnson

Phil Davis might have to update his material.

Anthony Johnson weighs in perfectly at 205 and states that he’d like to be the first four-division champion in MMA history if he’s allowed to fight at 170 again. Dana White replies, only if he cuts off one of his legs.

"Rumble" is going to have a hard time pulling off that feat (feet?), because the newly energized Davis handles him within the first round, forcing him to submit to a kimura. Afterward, Davis grabs the microphone from Joe Rogan, tells a watered-down version of an Andrew Dice Clay knock-knock joke and challenges Jon Jones.

Davis says he wants to tear Jones down like a gingerbread house, which immediately makes Johnson head to the back due to hunger.

Jon Jones vs. Glover Teixeira

Just wait until heel Jon Jones rips up an Orioles jersey in the Octagon.

The sound of glass shatters and Jones walks out with his head shaved, a goatee and dark sunglasses. When he removes them, he pops up a single eyebrow toward the camera and let’s out a "Woo!" Jones isn’t sure what classic pro wrestling character he wants to be, but yes — he has finally gone full heel.

Once in the Octagon, he refuses to touch gloves with Teixeira. That doesn’t make the Brazilian very happy, so he comes out with fervor, touching Jones with hard right hands. One of them catches Jones good and puts him on skates. Jones is hurt, but survives the first round.

The rest of the fight belongs to the kid from upstate New York. Jones uses his reach and wrestling to keep the powerful Teixeira at bay. After he’s awarded a unanimous decision victory, Jones takes the mic and talks about his "people’s elbows" and having to beat the man to be the man. Jones rips Baltimore for being a dump and says he’s glad his brother Arthur signed with the Colts.

As fans throw soda containers and beer cups into the Octagon, Jones takes a spraypaint bottle and writes "BONES" on the UFC light heavyweight title belt. A star is instantly born.