And you thought you already heard all the cool stories about the UFC’s early days.
Well, Joe Rogan was saving one – probably because it was way too raunchy to air on FOX Sports 1. He was able to share it on this video for Comedy Central. And man, it’s a doozy.
Back in 1998, UFC 12 was held in magnificent Dothan, Ala. The night before the fights, Rogan found himself hanging out with one of the fighters - he wouldn’t say who, but we have our guesses – and a local radio DJ. The trio somehow ended up at a strip club - that was actually a house off a dirt road with no street lights and nylon sign that read ‘Gentleman’s Club’.
"It’s a f***ing regular door - there are book shelves, people have their shoes there," Rogan said. "Thereâs a f***ing staircase".
Rogan says one girl approached him before he could even sit down. Let’s say she was less than appealing to the then-20-something comedian.
"There’s a thing that a gal would do when she’s trying to get you to get a private dance from her," Rogan said. "The thing is for her to immediately put her knee where your penis is, move into you and start talking to you. This is a sexy pose. But not when you’re wearing sweat pants and wrestling shoes and your breath smells like you ate 150 shit sandwiches and had a drunken mariachi band fart in your mouth for a year".
Rogan turned down the offer as politely as he could, which prompted the classy young lady to yell: "You don’t know what the f*** you’re missing! I’m a bad ass bitch!" over and over again.
And then it dawned on our protagonist.
"I’m never going to get out of here alive," Rogan said.
So, he finds the fighter – who he refers to as ‘the trained killer’ – and tells him they have to get out of there. It turns out the fighter - who we, for our purposes, will call Clark Moleman – met the only attractive girl in the house.
"She weighs 90 pounds," Moleman tells Rogan, adding a matter-of-fact assessment of her anatomy.
Moleman and the tiny stripper want to get out of there, but only if the girl can bring her friend - of course, the chick who wanted to give Rogan a dance.
The four of them pile into the radio DJ’s car and head back to the hotel. Rogan’s girl is mouthing off the whole time, which Moleman realizes could be a serious problem when he gets his mini stripper to the room. So when the car pulls up to the hotel, Moleman makes a break for it.
"The f***ing trained killer kicks open the door, grabs the 90-pounder and just starts running," Rogan said.
Bad-breath girl chases after them screaming, but Moleman makes it to the elevator just before she can get there. Obviously, the chick with the wrestling shoes and sweat pants makes a giant scene and ends up relieving herself right in the parking lot when hotel staff wouldn’t let her use the bathroom.
"I’m sitting in my car just laughing my ass off thinking this might be the best person I’ve ever met in my life," Rogan said. "I’ve met some inspirational mother f***ers. I think about her more than any of them".