Haymaker's alternate-reality prognostications for UFC 175
Trying to predict the results of MMA fights is an exercise in futility. So we won't even attempt it -- we're no psychics.
Instead, here's what Haymaker thinks could potentially happen at UFC 175 on Saturday night in Las Vegas. It's possible, right?
Marcus Brimage vs. Russell Doane
Doane is quoted before the fight saying he's far more interested in watching B.J. Penn fight on Saturday than his own bout. Because he's Hawaiian, of course. Brimage, meanwhile, challenged Doane to a fight on EA Sports UFC rather than an actual bout, saying he's the real champion -- in the virtual world.
This fight actually does go on with Doane being the aggressor early. He wants to finish things as quickly as possible, so he can get over to BurGR in Planet Hollywood for a late dinner. Because he's Hawaiian, of course. Brimage is a tad reluctant when he realizes he can't control his movements with Google Glass. Doane ends up winning by decision.
Uriah Hall vs. Thiago Santos
Hall and Santos didn't shake hands after the post-weigh-in face off, which Hall apologizes to Santos about before the fight. This one goes as most people expect with big strikes exchanged early and often. Santos lands some nice body kicks, but Hall keeps him back with some technical boxing.
All of a sudden, Chael Sonnen, Hall's former Ultimate Fighter coach, appears from the crowd, distracting Santos. Hall takes the opportunity to land a head kick, knocking Santos out flat. When referee John McCarthy steps in to award the KO victory, Sonnen is taken away by security, but you can clearly make him out mouthing the words, "another one for the bad guy."
Matt Mitrione vs. Stefan Struve
Struve gets a huge ovation from the crowd in his return from a serious heart ailment. Everyone gives him love except the Costa Ricans in attendance still sore from Struve's native Holland whipping their butts in the World Cup earlier in the day. Mitrione gets booed lustily by everyone except for the seven people in attendance who watched him knockout Shawn Jordan on Fight Pass in Macao.
Struve comes out looking sharp for someone who hasn't fought in almost a year. He looks healthy and fit. And also still almost 7 feet tall. Mitrione struggles with the reach disadvantage, so he shoots in for a takedown. He gets it, but Struve is quick to cinch in a triangle choke for a quick finish. Mitrione is visibly upset afterward and announces his return to football, because "anyone could play for the Browns."
Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis
Rousey comes out to Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," one of the best entrances in MMA, and the time it takes her to get to the Octagon ends up being longer than the actual fight. Davis makes the same mistake as Miesha Tate did, looking for a takedown to start. Rousey dumps her on her back, ragdolling her much like Daniel Cormier did to Dan Henderson. It isn't an armbar that finishes things, though. Rousey gets dominant position and wins by TKO with some ground and pound.
Afterward, Rousey announces she'll be taking a sabbatical from the UFC until they can "get Gina Carano signed already." She bashes Davis for not being able to sell a fight and says she wants to go to a place where they value promotion. Rousey declares she'll be jumping ship to the WWE with her Four Horsewomen compatriots, Shayna Baszler, Jessamyn Duke and Marina Shafir.
Chris Weidman vs. Lyoto Machida
All the movie producers in the crowd to see Rousey immediately stop caring about her as soon as they see Lyoto "The Leading Man" Machida making his entrance. Then they learn he doesn't speak fluent English, so they go back to coveting Rousey. Weidman comes out with his American flag, some apple pie and a hot dog with a bald eagle perched on his shoulder. The UFC immediately gets flooded with emails from animal rights groups.
Machida is sporting a cut on his left jaw courtesy of a razor mishap while trimming his picture-perfect 5 o'clock shadow. Weidman wastes no time exploiting it, landing a right hook in the opening sequence. Machida starts bleeding. The fight remains close, but the cut starts to get worse. At the 1:14 mark of the second round referee Herb Dean stops the action and has the doctor take a look at it. The physician rules the cut is too bad and Machida cannot continue, making it the third straight controversial win for Weidman in the second round. Fans on Twitter blame the illuminati, the mafia and Ariel Helwani.