Between now and the Houston Texans’ 3:30 p.m. kickoff Saturday against the Cincinnati Bengals, you will see reams of analysis and scouting objectives.
But that’s for the lamestream.
This is the alternative Texans scouting report. Offense
Matt Schaub, Quarterback Middle name is Rutledge, meaning he was one step away from being a lacrosse player who wears deck shoes all the time. Father of 1-year-old twin girls. Never eludes a pass rusher, but partially makes up for it by completing more than his share of passes while being clobbered.
Arian Foster, RB Studied philosophy in college and had to have been the only guy in the whole department who actually took it seriously. Refers to himself as “an aspiring human being.” Tweets things like, “The awaken feel me.” Moves faster than it looks like he’s moving. Great vision. Doesn’t break a lot of tackles.
Andre Johnson, WR Actually sort of a funny guy, but speaks in a deep monotone than subverts his sense of humor. Went to The U, is good friends with Ed Reed. Greatest player in Texans history. Takes more than one guy to shut him down. Kevin Walter, WR Always runs the right direction, never drops the ball. Appears to be in peak physical condition. One of those people that you just know looks exactly the same now as they did at age 8.
Owen Daniels, TE He’ll be the guy running a looping crossing pattern over the middle. Actually, that’s every receiver on every Texans pass play, but his looping crossing patterns are the best.
James Casey, football player The differences between James Casey and Tim Tebow are that Tebow is more popular and Casey has a better throwing motion. Otherwise, they’re both considered “good at football” even though professional coaches can’t seem to figure out how to use them. Mostly Casey plays fullback, which he’s not great at. He also loves hurdling defenders.
The offensive line There’s the left side, with tackle Duane Brown and guard Wade Smith, and it’s good. Then there’s the center, Chris Myers, and he’s good. Then there’s the right side and, oh, you know they’ve had to move a lot of people around over there.
J.J. Watt, DE Having the best season ever recorded by a pizza delivery boy. Widely credited as the first player in football history to realize that putting your hands up can knock down a pass. A little bit more into personal accolades than most players would admit to being.
Shaun Cody, DT Considered the team’s primary “jokester.” Wears a mustache ironically. Once intercepted a batted ball and began referring to himself as “Cody Island.” Not having his best season.
Antonio Smith, DE Probably the team’s most spontaneously funny person. Has worked, with moderate success, to create a ninja persona for himself. Houston’s most underrated defensive player.
Connor Barwin, OLB The Texans’ resident hipster. Goes to lots of concerts to watch obscure bands and lives near downtown, which, like, nobody does. Came up with the idea for the whole team to wear letterman’s jackets to New England. Having a puzzlingly unproductive season (3.5 sacks) after blowing up for 11.5 sacks last year.
Tim Dobbins, ILB Best known for knocking out Jay Cutler. Probably the third-best of six Iowa State players in the NFL.
Bradie James, ILB Signed to replace DeMeco Ryans after Ryans was traded to Philadelphia. Has not had more than 77 tackles in a season since 2010. Was attractive because of his familiarity with defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, who coached him in Dallas.
Brooks Reed, OLB Houston’s most Tarzanian player. Was quiet in high school, which made classmates afraid of him. Had the same effect on teammates at Arizona. Having a sophomore slump after recording six sacks as a rookie. Been banged up a lot this year.
Johnathan Joseph, CB Believe it or not, he has not infrequently been called Houston’s most important player. With him, the Texans have a playmaker in the secondary. Without him, they seem hopeless to cover anybody.
Danieal Manning, S A pretty good kick returner, even though he’s carrying around twice as many As in his first name as he should.
Kareem Jackson, CB For two years, the mention of his name around Houston caused more audible sighs than Brad Lidge’s. Appeared to be have found himself as a player, then appeared to have lost it again and now it’s sort of back to, “Let’s just hope the other team doesn’t try to throw deep much.”