Mascots are a weird breed. They can be humanoid, from the animal kingdom or even look like the fever dream of child with an overclocked imagination. Even the Premier League is in on the act, to predictably varying results. Throwing any semblance of consistent criteria out the window, here's a ranking of the 20 EPL mascots.
Cyril and Cybil the Swans -- Swansea City
Cyril the Swan's neck is permanently hunched forward, so he looks like he's always depressed. Maybe that makes sense, though. Cyril used to be a bit of a bad boy, but those days are far behind him. He's since been tied down and married Cybil (seriously, Swansea held a ceremony at their old stadium) and has put the "antics" behind him. Since he's no fun anymore, he's at the bottom of our list.
Matthew Ashton - AMA
Hammerhead -- West Ham United
This flat-faced transformer reject is West Ham's pride and joy, Hammerhead. Apparently cross-eyed from repeated use, Hammerhead fancies himself something of a superhero. Forged after a lightning bolt struck the Thames Iron Works decade years ago, Hammerhead even has his own campy origin story. Woof.
Gunnersaurus Rex -- Arsenal
Most mascots look like they're the sugar-aided creation of a child's infinite imagination, but Arsenal's Gunnersaurus Rex was literally created by an 11-year-old. Art imitates life.
Jan Kruger - The FA
Mighty Red -- Liverpool
Liverpool's Mighty Red is off-putting for a variety of reasons. At first blush you can't tell if the cartoonliver bird is even wearing clothes (he is), but his shorts are from the Peter Pan collection. Furthermore, birds don't have teeth, so what's with the huge smile?
Moonchester and Moonbeam -- Manchester City
With a generic name like Manchester City, the Sky Blues could have gone in any direction for their mascot. Nothing terrestrial suited the decision-makers, so they opted for Moonchester and Moonbeam. Nobody knows what aliens actually look like, but I'll eat my shoe if they look like the end result of Gizmo from "Gremlins" and Sailor Moon spending a romantic weekend together.
Matthew Ashton - AMA
Harry the Hornet -- Watford
Watford concede that Harry has had a few facelifts over the years, and still he looks nothing like a hornet. The Watford mascot -- who ALSO received the marriage spectacle treatment -- looks more like a moon-faced dog man trying to bravely return something to Target without a receipt.
Fred the Red -- Manchester United
I get it, a mascot can't be completely menacing -- thanks a lot, kids -- but Fred the Red does nobody any good. For a devil he's not intimidating, but for a mascot he's not cuddly or cute. With a plastic mask, he looks ready to rob a bank ... or eat your face. OK, maybe he is pretty scary.
Samson and Delilah the Black Cats -- Sunderland
Black Cats are supposed to be bad luck, but Sunderland obviously don't care. In fact, they've doubled down and have two of them roaming around with Samson and Delilah. Maybe they thought they'd cancel out the bad luck, but it doesn't seem like it's working.
Pottermus the Hippopotamus -- Stoke City
Stoke were once so pitiful that Pottermus came nearly won their man of the match vote ... twice. He came in seventh in their player of the year voting, too. Life might be good for Pottermus -- he also has a girlfriend, Pottermiss -- but that distended stomach warrants immediate attention.
Cherry Bear -- Bournemouth
Bears usually make for pretty easy mascots, but Cherry Bear doesn't exactly pass the eye test. The sideways hat looks weird, the eyes are wonky, it's just ... not great. This year is Bournemouth's first ever in the Premier League so they get a little bit of leeway, but it might be time to upgrade their budget mascot.
Changy the Elephant -- Everton
Changy finally fits the mold for a proper-looking mascot. There's nothing offensive about Changy's appearance, which is rare for the bunch. The big mammal replaced the freaky "Mr. Toffee" and is a major upgrade. Changy's drawback is that he's a corporate shill, coming onto the scene as a blatant promotional arm for Everton's shirt sponsor, Chang Beer.
Roary the Lion -- Middlesbrough
Boro's Roary is an acceptable mascot, but there's something about his face that just isn't right. There's a sadness there, fella, and I don't like it. Maybe he already knows what Boro's end-of-the-season fate will be?
Getty ImagesStu Forster
Roary and Amber the Tigers -- Hull City
Another Roary! Hull City have two mascots, Roary and his sister, Amber. Roary once was sent off in a match for touchline antics, which is phenomenal. His eyes tell the story: I've made a huge mistake.
Jan Kruger - The FA
Chirpy -- Tottenham Hotspur
Chirpy has had a haunting past. The cockerel has gone through a lot of iterations, so while the latest look might not be that great at least Chirpy doesn't have a vacant thousand-yard stare of utter pessimism and despair. There's plenty of that already in the stands are White Hart Lane, anyway.
Stamford and Bridget the Lions -- Chelsea
Stamford and Bridget ... Oh, I get it! Chelsea's mascots get bonus points for being at least somewhat creative with their names. The actual mascot costumes could use some work, particularly Bridget's, but it might all be a moot point, anyway. Will they still have the same names if Chelsea leave Stamford Bridge?
Super Saint and Sammy Saint -- Southampton
Cards on the table: We're all dog people here at FOX Soccer. There's no hiding the bias. Super Saint and Sammy Saint are pretty basic, but they're dogs ... so they're great.
Baggie Bird and Albi -- West Bromwich Albion
Crisp and clean, Baggie and Albi (pictured) are solid mascots for West Brom. The ability to carry around a soccer ball is a pretty sweet feature for the pair of birds.
Filbert the Fox -- Leicester City
Leicester had one heck of a season last year, defying the odds and winning the Premier League. Filbert also cashed in on the hype surrounding the Fennec Foxes, inking a two-year shoe deal with Puma. That's a real thing that actually happened.
Matthew Ashton - AMA
Pete and Alice the Eagles -- Crystal Palace
Crystal Palace have the mascot game on lock. Not only do they employ an actual real-life bald eagle named Kayla, they have a pair of on-field mascots in Pete and Alice. Too cool for school, Pete rocks shades on a full-time basis. He and Poochie should definitely be friends.
Bertie Bee -- Burnley
On pure creepiness alone, Bertie should rank at the bottom of this list. A wingless bee with one tooth and a big red nose, Bertie is as weird as they come. He's also completely freaking awesome. He got sent off (and "jailed") for offering a linesman a pair of glasses. He tackled a completely nude streaker and pretty much suplexed the guy. Bertie looks like a goober, but he's the best mascot the Premier League has.