by Nick Webster, FOXSports.com

Updated: September 25, 2001, 3:52 PM EST

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It's a well-known fact down at the local rub-a-dub (rub-a-dub-dub = pub) that the English lads are quite fond of a quickie after training. No ... Not that kind of quickie. It's just that they like a jar or two to quench the thirst after another hard session from "Il Sargento Romano", Claudio Ranieri. You see, since "Sargento" has taken over at the Bates Motel he's instituted many radical new changes, including doubling the amount of training and releasing practically every lovely boy (English player) to pastures anew.

All that's left of the native contingent are Frank Lampard Jr. (23, very expensive and over-rated), John Terry (20, future international), Jody Morris (22, ditto Terry) and Graeme Le Saux (32). Le Saux doesn't much fancy going down the boozer after training because the class of punters (customers) aren't quite his ilk, so the three lads corralled Icelandic forward Eidur Gudjohnsen (23, supposed mature continental) to complete the foursome.

Before we get back to the boys though, let's discuss Il Sargento, who will soon be busted down to Il Privato, if he doesn't remove his head from his arse ASAP. Despite spending more money than the GNP of some small countries, the only improvement anyone truly can notice is in Raineri's English, which is now better than half the home-grown lads in the Prem! If only Il Sargento's new found eloquence could be translated onto the pitch, he wouldn't be singing the blues so often and Chelsea might actually be in a position to challenge for the title. A title they have not won since 1955.

Back to those badly behaved boys. Our four stand-up professionals, who up until last week were role models (good looking, hard working, loads-a-money) are beginning to crack. It would appear that the pressure of playing football twice a week in nice kits and new boots, earning massive amounts of readies (Nelson Eddy = readies = money), is a bit much to bear. So off they went to the rub-a-dub to let off some steam.

According to my source close to the scene (the barmaid's cousin's little brother), the boys got stuck into to the lager and Red Bull/Vodka chasers with the kind of enthusiasm that got Messrs. Woodgate and Bowyer into all the trouble they're in now. As you can imagine the boys were a little worse for wear, and before you could say "don't do it" a couple of them allegedly had removed their trousers and flashed an assortment of startled onlookers. Amongst those onlookers were some Americans who were following the tragedy taking place in their country and really could've done with a little English sensitivity instead of a chorus of "Trousers down, bottoms out, life is but a dream."

Naturally the club were none too pleased, being that they're sponsored by the Dubai-based airline, Emirates, who weren't exactly looking for this kind of exposure. Il Sargento and cuddly Master Bates, the Chelsea Chairman, immediately nicked the boys a cool two weeks wages a piece. Bates was particularly incensed because he's spent years promoting the Chelsea as a family club after two decades of Blues fans kicking the crap out of anything that moved.

To their credit, the boys have all apologized and said that this sort of behavior will not happen again or at least they won't get caught again.

Until then get the beers in.