Turns out zoos include Dolphins now

Welcome to hell, Dolphins fans.

The Miami Dolphins are a totally inept, mismanaged outfit with no hope of turning it around. The Dolphins are toxic. Nobody qualified wants to take their talent to South Beach. And the roots of the problem are entrenched.

Think about the embarrassments. Jim Harbaugh passed. Bill Cowher laughed. Peyton Manning felt bad for Dan Marino, took a meeting, and never thought twice about joining this once proud franchise. Jeff Fisher got rightly scared. Bill Parcells quit.

General manager Jeff Ireland is the George Costanza of the NFL. Despite countless missteps, he somehow is bullet proof. Like George, Ireland couldn’t get fired if he tied the 1973 Super Bowl trophy to the back of his car and drove it around the parking lot. Ireland and former coach Tony Sparano should’ve been a package deal, dismissed at the same time.

The Raiders are laughing. So are the Bengals. The Miami Dolphins are the most clueless organization in the NFL. No other team comes close.

You don’t have to wait for our annual organization rankings this summer. The Dolphins have an overmatched general manager in Ireland. The Dolphins have a jock-sniffing owner in Stephen Ross who solely cares about name value and has absolutely no idea how to run a franchise. He doesn’t think rationally. The moves aren’t sane. Stephen Ross would be thrown out of your fantasy league.

The Dolphins don’t have a blueprint. They don’t have a concept on how to win. They are going nowhere, and fast. You have to be a masochist to watch them. It is a rudderless ship that will have a Titanic-like finish again.

Where would you like me to start?

How about the last 48 hours?

Manning signed with the Denver Broncos. Peyton is the ultimate perfectionist. Do you think he wanted to play for an owner who is more interested in J-Lo on the sidelines than finding the right general manager and football staff.

Matt Flynn visited Miami. He was coached by new Dolphins coach Joe Philbin in Green Bay. Flynn opted to smartly choose the Seattle Seahawks. Doesn’t that tell you something? He respected the fact that Seattle didn’t hand him the job, wanting him to compete with Tarvaris Jackson. He respected the fact that Seattle actually asked him to throw. Pete Carroll put on his recruiting charm and made him feel comfortable. And Seahawks general manager John Schneider made him feel at home by walking across the street with 20 employees, sealing the deal with a beer. Flynn was the guy for Miami. He knew the system. He oozes leadership. Miami couldn’t get its act together on a contract, though they wanted him badly. Seattle was the right choice, and that speaks volumes.

Alex Smith had his feelings hurt when San Fran flirted with Manning. He talked to the Dolphins. But why would he ever be foolish and commit career suicide when he could swallow his pride, keep his head up, and stay with a legit Super Bowl favorite in San Fran?

Instead, as first reported by our Jay Glazer, the Dolphins sign David Garrard. I like Garrard. But he told me on the SiriusXM Blitz two weeks ago that he’s not 100 percent healthy yet and he didn’t play last year.

So the Dolphins can’t get Manning, Flynn or Smith. After being a legit leader in the “Suck for Luck” derby this fall, with true hopes of finally getting the next Dan Marino, the Miami Dolphins have a Matt Moore vs. Dave Garrard quarterback competition! Good seats still available.

It’s Matt freaking Moore and David Garrard competing for the quarterback gig!!??!! This isn’t Montana vs. Young here.

And this just means there’s a chance the Dolphins will overreact and pluck Texas A&M’s Ryan Tannehill with the 8th overall pick to reunite him with new offensive coordinator Mike Sherman, his college coach. There’s no way Tannehill is the 8th best player in the draft. So will the Dolphins trade up and waste picks? What if some other team foolishly takes him and they have to overreact again! Have they thought this far? It’s tough to have faith when your current top quarterbacks are Matt Moore and David Garrard.

I don’t think anyone in Miami thought that’s what the depth chart would read just three weeks ago, and that’s a problem.

Most teams have a plan A, B, and C. The Miami Dolphins are seemingly taking stabs in the dark – and failing.

I’m still scared that Stephen Ross will force his football people to trade for Tim Tebow. He’s not a fit in the system, but he will sell tickets and jerseys. You know what else will fill seats? A winner.

They can’t get the quarterback right. They can’t get the coach right, either.

The Miami Dolphins were the bridesmaids again this winter for a perfect head coach when Jeff Fisher eschewed the Miami offer to coach the Rams. Imagine I’d I told you 15 years ago that the Rams gig, with St. Louis fresh off of a hapless campaign, was a vastly superior job to Miami. Owner/jock sniffer Ross insisted that general manager Jeff Ireland maintain control. Ireland is regarded as a punch-line in league circles. What has Jeff Ireland done in Miami to keep his job? What did Ireland do to separate himself from Tony Sparano? Sparano was a better head coach than Ireland was at his job of picking the players. Fisher ran to St. Louis and hired Les Snead as his general manager. And as we documented in this space last week, the Rams have had a fantastic offseason. This was one year removed from the Jim Harbaugh fiasco, where Ross tried to hire his fellow Michigan alum while he still employed Tony Sparano! He then paid Sparano to pacify him but created a losing "dead coach walking" atmosphere in the locker room that predictably doomed the Dolphins start. Only Stephen Ross could neuter his own head coach. Sparano got fired midseason and Miami hired Joe Philbin this winter. Philbin has never been a head coach in the NFL.

Read that paragraph again. It’s a comedy show. If it was pitched to a network, it would get thrown out for not being believable. This is not how you run a franchise. Now think about the Packers or the Patriots. Think about the Giants or the Steelers. Analyze how the Ravens or the Eagles do business.

How does a Dolphin fan cope right now?

Matt Moore told me on Friday on SiriusXM NFL Radio that he thinks he can lead the Dolphins. Sadly, we might find out. Because that was Ireland and Ross’ plan all along, right?

Welcome to hell. Stay awhile. Stay as long as Stephen Ross owns the team.