NFL

FRIDAY REWIND: Coaching carousel spins out of control

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Randy Hill

Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.
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Before advancing on this column, you will be encouraged to do the following: Place hands on your hips (your hands are preferred, but not required). Stomp your right foot (on the ground, not with your left foot).
Spurrier of the Moment
Where will Steve Spurrier end up? We keep track of all the gossip from the usual suspects — including, as of Friday, Atlanta, Carolina, Indianapolis, San Diego, Tampa Bay and Washington.
Repeat. Go ahead, stomp again like you mean it. OK, you've just performed the Steve Spurrier Shuffle, which is cool and ironic because this week's episode of the Friday Rewind was provoked by ol' Steve. Our episode begins at the football coaching clinic, where not everyone wants to be swabbed for a shot at another job. Sure, Steve did, leaving the University of Florida for potential employment in the NFL. Regarding philosophy and disposition, this is not that much unlike Baryshnikov trotting off to a mosh pit. Anyway, two characters who did not seek a change of venue (as Spurrier's replacement) were Oklahoma University coach Bob Stoops and Denver Broncos boss Mike Shanahan. Stoops, who had been Spurrier's defensive Gator aid in the glory days, will remain loyal to the people who presented him with his first head-coaching job. Maybe that's why the school is referred to as Owe You. Shanahan, a former Florida assistant, decided it wouldn't be that much fun wondering if his last name possessed more A's than the transcripts of his freshman class. So, with the big names erased, Florida hired a seven-letter man ... Ron Zook. Zook is a former Florida defensive coordinator, who leaves a similar post with the New Orleans Saints. We still don't know where Spurrier is heading, although the NFL is providing plenty of vacancies. These include the job at Indianapolis, where coach Jim Mora says he was canned after refusing to fire defensive coordinator Vic Fangio. A lot of people seem to be sympathizing with Mora's predicament, insisting that Fangio didn't do anything. Some grid insiders think Spurrier will end up in Washington, where Marty "One More" Schottenheimer piloted the Redskins to .500. In Minnesota, Vikings assistant Mike Tice was hired to replace Dennis Green. And just days after Green was given the hook in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, he was hired to host a fishing show on the PAX network. Too bad Green couldn't drown a few worms in Minnesota. Let's hope he does a better job of casting.

NFL

  • St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner has been chosen league MVP for the second time in three years. Warner, whacked in the throat by an Atlanta Falcon last Sunday, was not allowed to make an audible call during the subsequent media blitz. After throwing for 4,830 yards, quiet Kurt is the rare athlete who's unable to talk the walk.
  • Former Chicago Bears defensive tackle William "The Refrigerator" Perry has signed to fight Eric "Butterbean" Esch. The Fridge is serious about his pro boxing debut, but must be convinced that "roadwork" does not mean visiting the drive-through window. The Perry-Esch bout will be contested in Mississippi, but I'm not sure if that state allows a fighter to be saved by the belly.
  • Many residents of Green Bay are mad at former Packers assistant coach Steve Mariucci. "Mooch," who now is head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, provided a spark for Sunday's wild-card round showdown with a disparaging remark about the Wisconsin city. After last Sunday's season-ending victory, Mariucci — speaking in the 49er dressing room — spiced up his pep talk by referring to Green Bay as a "big, hairy armpit." Big?
  • Forty-four former Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders have joined the original, two-cheerleader lawsuit against 29 NFL teams. The lawsuit alleges that these spirited ladies were spied upon through holes in their dressing-room wall. But the NFL teams plan to counter-sue, and their case will be known as "The Peep Hole vs. The Eagles Cheerleaders."

    Baseball

  • Commissioner Bud Selig is back in the soup after it was reported that he borrowed 3 million scoots from Minnesota Twins owner Carl "The Loan Gunman" Pohlad. The borrowing occurred in 1995, before Selig started pretending he no longer runs the Milwaukee Brewers. One politician suggests Bud quit the commish gig due to a "conflict of interest." Selig dismissed the suggestion, claiming he "paid a full point above the prime rate."
  • In a charming, fresh-start maneuver, the Anaheim Angels have unveiled new uniforms. With red as the dominant color, we consulted Halloween-costume history and decided Disney's team now is Hell's Angels. In the process, the Halos have become the first professional franchise to achieve red by mixing black and blue.
  • Shortstop Ozzie Smith became the 37th player voted into the Hall of Fame on his first try. A check of The Wizard's batting average indicates that his selection was a fielder's choice.

    NBA

  • L.A. Clippers forward Elton Brand rang Wednesday's opening bell at the American Stock Exchange in New York. Brand was subbing for team GM and stock expert Elgin Baylor, who took advantage of a Bull market to acquire Elton last summer. Many league sources have accused Baylor of insider trading.
  • Dallas Mavs owner Mark "The E-Mailman" Cuban recently said he wouldn't feel comfy about hiring referees' association kingpin Ed T. Rush to operate a Dairy Queen. Well, the good citizens of Dairy Queen didn't mind the pub, but sort of resented the notion that running a DQ is a breeze. So, they've offered Cuban the honor of managing a Dairy Queen for a day. If Mark accepts the challenge, don't expect to see a "Cone of Silence" on the menu.
  • By filing for divorce, Juanita Jordan will be taking MJ back down to six rings.

    Tennis

  • Merciless professional tennis analyst John McEnroe has been hired as host for a new ABC game show called "The Chair." Considering McEnroe's success as a player at Wimbledon, a better title might be "The Lawn Chair." Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address, rhill@foxsports.com.
  • Tagged: Bears, Broncos, Packers, Rams, Vikings, Eagles, 49ers, Redskins, Kurt Warner, Clippers, Elton Brand, Angels, Twins, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Florida, Baylor, Oklahoma

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