FRIDAY REWIND: Keyshawn gets starring role in the Bill Parcells story

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Randy Hill

Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to
If you¿re strapped to a theater seat for only one movie this postseason, make sure that movie is ¿Ahi,¿ the Bill Parcells story. Will Smith co-stars as Keyshawn Johnson. After six months of rigorous training, Will learned how to catch a football while avoiding the end zone. Versatile Jon Voight checks in as Warren Sapp. After his career-defining role as Bob Knight, Brian Dennehy decided to remain in character by portraying Bill ¿The Big Tuna¿ Parcells. Anyway, ¿Ahi¿ is rated NC-17, the 17 representing five more points than Johnson¿s Tampa Bay Buccaneers were able to muster in two years of playoff disaster vs. the Philadelphia Eagles. That¿s the main reason why their coach, Tony Dungy, is a goner. And that¿s why Keyshawn¿s former coach, the really great Parcells, is considered a cinch to replace Dungy. But the surrounding misdirection has cast Parcells as the star of this week¿s Friday Rewind. According to published reports in the Tampa area, this coach of two Super Bowl champion New York Giants teams was on the brink of replacing Dungy. All Tony had to do was not win the Super Bowl. Done. But in a radio interview this week, Parcells said he wasn¿t even close to a deal with the Bucs. According to sources who thrive on hearsay, Parcells then made a sharp pivot and accidentally shattered a lamp with his nose. Another published report sort of insisted that the San Diego Chargers were the betting favorites to hire Parcells. The hook? Like another of Parcell¿s former teams (New England¿s Patriots), the Chargers employ a young quarterback named Drew B. Back in Greater Tampa Bay, it has been suggested that Johnson, who played for The Tuna as a member of the New York Jets, was operating as Buccaneer spy for his former coach. This notion allegedly upset many of Keyshawn¿s teammates, who are fond of Tony Dungy. Having led the league in receptions while scoring just one touchdown, it¿s difficult to believe Johnson would achieve much insight into a man with the initials TD. The confusion over Parcells also received quite a boost from the Buccaneers¿ first family of ownership. In their ¿Adios, Dungy¿ press conference, the Glazer brothers denied having interviewed Parcells for the job. Two hours later, a press release spun the official news of the Bucs' commitment to Tuna fishing. In other NFL reporting precincts, Parcells has been suspected of attempting to hire a few former disciples as Buccaneers assistants. These fellows can be referred to as ¿Tuna Helpers.¿


  • Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress has pleaded no contest to charges of wielding an alcoholic beverage while walking along a street in downtown Cleveland. OK, there was more carrying than wielding. According to Cleveland-based legal experts, Burress may have gotten off with a warning if he¿d had the presence of mind to hurl the alcoholic beverage.
  • During his get-acquainted press party in Washington, D.C. new Redskins coach Steve Spurrier sort of predicted a victory over the Dallas Cowboys. He also admitted to realizing that team owner Daniel Snyder is the ultimate boss. ¿If there¿s a disagreement,¿ Spurrier said, ¿Mr. Snyder will make the call.¿ In related news, Spurrier will outfit his quarterbacks with caller ID in their helmet phones.


  • The sale of the Boston Red Sox to a group fronted by Florida Marlins owner John Henry has been approved. The tab is $660 million and change. According to league sources, baseball owners delayed their approval while waiting to see if Henry¿s check would bounce between the legs of Bill Buckner.
  • In a powerful bid to anesthetize the New York Mets¿ off-season bonanza, the Atlanta Braves acquired slugger Gary Sheffield from the Los Angeles Dodgers. Some insiders believe adding Sheffield is risky, because he¿s maintained a reputation of ¿Clubhouse Lawyer.¿ News of Sheff¿s rep is bittersweet to the Braves¿ Andruw Jones, who could have used legal assistance during last summer¿s Gold Club hearings.


  • Dallas Mavericks owner Mark ¿The E-Mailman¿ Cuban pulled a quick manager¿s shift at a Dairy Queen in Coppell, Texas. Cuban embraced this opportunity after suggesting that DQ organization was beyond the skill level of Ed Rush, head of NBA officiating. His critics have accused Cuban of mustering another self-serving publicity stunt. But I think Cube¿s DQ appearance presents a penetrating parallel with officiating: Like NBA players and coaches, all Dairy Queen patrons want is a fair shake.
  • L.A. Lakers center ¿Sugar¿ Shaq O¿Neal was been suspended three games for sucking on a sucker punch at Chicago Bull Brad Miller. During this time off, Shaq has attempted to upgrade his social opportunities. This includes the claim of hitting on Cindy Crawford, although Rewind witnesses say O¿Neal barely grazed her left ear.
  • Shaq teammate Kobe Bryant, dedicating his performance to O¿Neal¿s exile, dropped 56 points on the Memphis Grizzlies in just three quarters of action. Much of the damage was presented to Grizzlies rookie Shane Battier, who hopped on a commercial flight to Chicago and socked Miller in the mouth.


  • Wednesday¿s press conference to promote the Fernando Vargas-Oscar De La Hoya fight looked like a highlight reel from ¿Jenny Jones.¿ But I¿m excited about this super-welterweight event, because it means Oscar won¿t be in a recording studio for several months. Vargas, recently assessed 90 days of house arrest on an assault conviction, attended the press conference with a tracking device locked around his ankle. Boxing experts who favor Fernando expect him to win by a furlough.


  • The U.S. Department of Education has been sued for its application of Title IX by college wrestling advocates. The National Wrestling Coaches Association is financing the lawsuit. They would have had even more loot for their legal cause, but some members forgot their pin numbers.

    Figure skating

  • Tonya Harding, an ex-Olympian and co-star of a pornographic wedding home video, has been served an eviction notice in Vancouver, Wash. Harding and former landlord Linda Lewis owe more than $4,000 in back rent on a three-bedroom, ranch-style house with no apparent pipe concerns. Considering her past popularity, it¿s surprising that Tonya could be behind on her rent. At least she hasn¿t tackled this problem by attempting to rent her behind. Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address:
  • Tagged: Giants, Buccaneers, Redskins, Steelers, Chargers, Plaxico Burress, Bulls, Mavericks, Lakers, Grizzlies, Brad Miller, Kobe Bryant, Shane Battier, Red Sox, Braves, Reds, Dodgers, Giants, Marlins, Andruw Jones

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