One ‘bold-ish’ prediction for all 32 NFL teams

By Andy Nesbitt,

The NFL season is nearly upon us. That means it’s time to get serious and there’s no better way to get serious than to make a bold prediction for every team in the National Football League.

So let’s get to it.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – At least 14 starters will be on I.R. before Week 6. That’s just how the Buffalo Bills roll.

Miami Dolphins – This fan will continue to be the most interesting thing about the Dolphins.

New England Patriots – Tim Tebow will not only re-join the Patriots at some point during the season, but he’ll jump in for one play, throw an interception and be cut the very next day.

New York Jets – Newly acquired QB Brady Quinn will rack up more wins than Geno Smith and Mark Sanchez.  And by more wins we say he’ll have, like, two total wins.  OK, maybe just one.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco will take over the pregame motivational speeches now that Ray Lewis is gone. The QB’s speeches will actually make sense, although he’ll only say things like, “Let’s go score more points than the other team” and “Come on team, let’s go win this game.”

Cincinnati Bengals – James Harrison will be fined by the NFL for a vicious hit . . . and then he will say bad things about the NFL and we will all be happy that we don’t have to face Harrison on the football field.

Cleveland Browns – Fans in the Dawg Pound will don paper bags on their heads as the losses in Cleveland pile up. We’ll still know who they are, though. And we will point. And we laugh.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Bill Cowher’s bizarre role in his girlfriend’s rock video (eye liner and all) will be more memorable than anything the aging Steelers can pull off this season.

AFC South

Houston Texans – One of Andre Johnson’s hamstrings will eventually frustrate fantasy football owners week after week after week after week.

Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck will continue to make Colts fans forget all about that dude who used to wear No. 18 and make lots of hand gestures before the snap.

Jacksonville Jaguars – At one point during the season you’ll see highlights from a Jaguars game and say, “I totally forgot the Jaguars were in the NFL.”

Tennessee Titans – At some point in the season Chris Johnson will break off a 90-yard TD run and while he’s sprinting toward the end zone one of your buddies will act like a giddy 9-year-old and yell “He’s on my fantasy team!”  Nobody in the room will make eye contact with that buddy, let alone talk to him, for quite some time.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Peyton Manning will learn a tough lesson, one that Tom Brady learned a few years ago: Don’t throw the ball to Wes Welker at a key moment of a big game, because this will happen:

Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid will be Andy Reid at least once this year and cost the Chiefs a game because of poor clock management.

Oakland Raiders – There are no losers when you’re choosing between Matt Flynn and Terrelle Pryor to be your starting quarterback. Well, maybe not any losers but lots of losses.

San Diego Chargers – After seeing the Chargers’ new coach on TV for the first time in Week 1 you’ll quickly grab your phone and Google, “Who the heck is the Chargers’ new coach?” Want a hint? It’s this guy:

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Jerry Jones will do something very GIF-worthy in the owner’s box during a game. Hopefully something like this:

New York Giants – Eli Manning will rebound nicely from that rap video he put together with his brother, Peyton. You remember his rap video, right? Yikes.

Philadelphia Eagles – People in Philly will grow to love Chip Kelly’s offense . . . and loathe Chip Kelly’s defense.

Washington Redskins – The media will finally start paying attention to Redskins QB Robert Griffin III and he’ll become a household name in no time.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – At some point during a game Jay Cutler will look like he’s not only enjoying himself, but also enjoying the company of his teammates.

Detroit Lions – Ndamukong Suh will have a monster year, which will lead to this new offseason training trend:

Green Bay Packers – After throwing five TDs to five different receivers against Minnesota, Aaron Rodgers will run over to the Vikings’ sideline and do this in front of Greg Jennings.

Minnesota Vikings – Needing 121 yards in the final game of the season to break Eric Dickerson’s rushing record, Adrian Peterson will get 120 yards and burst into tears when Pam Oliver breaks the news to him once again in a postgame on-field interview.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Tony Gonzalez will wonder why he came back for one more year after the Falcons get crushed in a playoff game. Then he’ll look at his checking account and smile.

Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton will wear a worse sweater than this one:

New Orleans Saints – Sean Payton is back after serving his one-year suspension. Judging from this moment at the NFL Scouting Combine in Feb., it will take him a few reps to get back in the flow of things:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Josh Freeman’s blah preseason, followed by a slow start to the regular season will have Bucs fans actually missing the days when Vinny Testaverde was under center.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – Larry Fitzgerald’s diary will get leaked on Twitter and we’ll see he has written this line over and over again: “All work and no QB makes Larry a dull WR.”

San Francisco 49ers – Jim Harbaugh will have a reaction even more childish (and hilarious) than this one from last year’s NFC title game:

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks will bring back the infamous replacement ref to raise the 12th Man Flag before a home game against the Packers. Since they don’t face each other in the regular season we’ll have to wait for a playoff game in Seattle for this epic moment to happen. (Falls to knees, prays for this to happen.)

St. Louis Rams – After spending 42 minutes trying to think of something clever (or not clever, but kind of clever) about the Rams we came up with nothing. That pretty much sums up the Rams, right?

Questions? Comments? Send them to and we might respond in our weekly mailbag!