It's a miracle any of us made it out alive, really. By all rights, we all should've drowned in our own awkwardness, drove our Honda Accords into tar pits or perished over the course of a three-hour detention.
But we made it out, and some of us did more after high school than just get a degree and proceed to slowly wile away our remaining youth at various metropolitan brunch locations.
Some of us went on to the Super Bowl, and in honor of these glorious, overachievers, I reached out to the high school alma maters of players from the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots and dug up yearbook pictures of their most notable alumni ahead of their big game on Sunday. I've also made up superlatives for each player's photo, because I wanted to.
This is the Super Bowl High School Yearbook: Patriots and Falcons Edition. Remember: all champions start somewhere.
Danny Amendola, WR, New England Patriots
Alma mater: The Woodlands, Texas ('04)
Most likely to ... be the only freshman into whey protein.
Tevin Coleman, RB, Atlanta Falcons
Alma mater: Oak Forest, Ill. ('11).
Most likely to ... smile his way out of detention.
Jimmy Garoppolo, QB, New England Patriots
Alma mater: Rolling Meadows, Ill. ('10)
Most likely to ... look the exact same his entire natural life.
Chris Long, DE, New England Patriots
Alma mater: St. Anne's-Belfield School, Va. ('04).
Most likely to ... be the reason the eyewash station finally got used.
Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta Falcons
Alma mater: William Penn Charter School, Pa. ('03).
Most likely to ... have his wish granted by the Zoltar machine.
Alex Mack, C, Atlanta Falcons
Alma mater: San Marcos High School, Calif. ('04).
Most likely to ... Put his football water gallon under his pillow.
LeGarrette Blount, RB, New England Patriots
Alma mater: Taylor County, Fla. ('05)
Most likely to ... Sweet talk his way to free Sour Straws at the school book store.
Malcolm Butler, CB, New England Patriots
Alma mater: Vicksburg High School, Miss. ('09)
Most likely to ... burn you the sweetest CD-R mixtape.