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Here's what you do, LeBron
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What up, dog? It's Jason Whitlock. I'm kind of the self-appointed advisor to superstar athletes. I write y'all letters from time to time giving mature advice. Maybe you've read some of my work.
Five years ago, I wrote a letter to Kobe that helped him re-establish control in his marriage.
Yeah, I'm also the guy who a couple of weeks ago asked Tiger Woods to retire.
Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.
Anyhow, this is my first letter to you. You've been on my mind. I'm worried.
Child celebrity athletes are falling just as hard as child actors. I'm afraid you might be next. That's why it's important that we communicate regularly. I reached out to Kobe much too late. And I trusted Barkley and Jordan to mentor Tiger. Pretty stupid, huh?
I'm not going to make the same mistake with you. Shaq has his own house to worry about. He can't advise you while he's going through a divorce.
Stick with me, LeBron. I'm going to get you through this.
First thing, let's end all the foolish speculation about you leaving Cleveland after this season. No way. You don't leave home. Not in this media environment. Moving to New York City would be the worst move possible.
The only thing dumber would be renting a room in your house to TMZ's Harvey Levin.
You're protected in Cleveland, LeBron. You own Cleveland. Make the paparazzi come to Cleveland and deal with you on your turf. Don't go running to their Mecca.
Did you watch my favorite TV show "The Wire"? Stringer Bell got "rain made" (ripped off) by state senator Clay Davis because, as Avon Barksdale scolded, Stringer was dumb enough to "play away games."
You will never own New York City. It doesn't matter if you make the Knicks or the Nets relevant. Jay Z and David Stern can't protect you in the Big Apple. I'm sure they'll promise you they can. They're lying.
Stay where the people absolutely love you, where the people will suffer the harshest consequences for selling you out.
Peyton Manning is the face of the NFL from Indianapolis. You don't have to work in New York or Los Angeles to maximize your earning potential. It might make things easier for Nike or your support personnel, but it's their job to make things easier for you.
Staying at home makes your life less complicated and less high risk.
OK, so you're staying in Cleveland. What else?
If you don't win a championship this season, it's time for you to fire head coach Mike Brown. I know that's your guy and you love him. But Magic needed Pat Riley and Jordan needed Phil Jackson.
CONTACT JASON WHITLOCK
You need the best coach money can buy.
Make David Stern give you Gregg Popovich. Tim Duncan doesn't need Pop anymore. The Spurs dynasty is over.
If Pop won't come, then have Stern take Larry Brown away from Michael Jordan and the Bobcats. I know Larry's old. He'll be 70 in September. That's fine. The Bobcats are garbage and Brown has them chasing the eighth seed in the East.
Oh, and I also know Larry is good friends with Mike Brown. So what? You know Larry doesn't care. He put Mike in play to be your coach. Larry doesn't owe Mike Brown anything.
The bottom line is: You need a legendary coach. You're probably too young to coach yourself to an NBA title. You need someone you have to defer to. You don't respect Mike Brown. You're his boss.
As for the number switch next season?
I don't have a problem with you dumping 23 so you can sell more product. You're a businessman. But there's no reason to conceal your motivation or pass off the number change as some kind of tribute to Michael Jordan.
Get your money, man. It's a down economy.
I think it's ridiculous to switch to 6, Bill Russell's number. In terms of creating the opportunity for guys like you to make millions as pro athletes, Russell did 100 times more than Jordan ever did.
LeBron, like most young professional athletes, you need a better understanding of history. That's why our friendship is important. I look forward to our future correspondence. I hope I never have to write about you falling into an image-damaging trap set by Ms. P. Galore.
E-mail Jason or follow him on Twitter. Media requests for Mr. Whitlock should be directed to Fox Sports PR.