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WEEKEND CONDITION: What will payday bring?

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Randy Hill

Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.
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In baseball, the relevant patois registers the event as a "bad hop." In banking, it's defined as a "bad bounce." And, in the mediocre scheme of things, it should be noted that wheelbarrow tires leave nasty tread marks. My wheelbarrow reference is a reminder that today is payday in Major League Baseball. You've been warned. You also may remember a recent claim by Commissioner Bud Selig that the concept of "folding money" has been inexorably transformed. So don't blame me if you and your loved ones are mowed down by desperado big-leaguers who've just cashed their paychecks before it's allegedly too late. Sources with severe back acne told FOXSports.com that several players were eager to secure the loot and prevent steroid suppliers from removing their thumbs. But while we were chattering about Bud's economic doomsday, MLB began hitting on its back nine. So, with only a handful of dates separating us from a work stoppage, MLB's better half claims the starring role for this episode of The Weekend Condition. Leading off are the New York , who recently discovered that had been cryogenically frozen. With Alomar now squared away, the New York news armies have started going to work. According to one report, the are attempting to determine 's sexual orientation by trading for . They reportedly also may be interested in reuniting with the Boston . The organization now realizes that Mo and his namesake deli sandwich share a common predicament: too much bread.
  • Over in the Bronx, George Steinbrenner's New York placed tightly wound right-hander on the disabled list. Roger reportedly injured his groin while attempting to smile in the Yankee clubhouse.
  • The Anaheim are for sale, and have been priced to move. Disney admits its team is on the market with a tab that's $100 million less than the recent sticker price. And, for no extra charge, Disney is throwing in undercoating and factory errors.
  • The cryogenic storage parlor that reportedly is home to Ted Williams may lose its star tenant. According to sources who are just plain cold-hearted, John Henry Williams (Ted's son) may move the "Splendid Splinter" because the Scottsdale, Ariz. facility suffers from a shortage of luxury boxes.
  • With Selig presiding over MLB and its All-Star Game, the Elias Sports Bureau now figures that Ted Williams still may be thawed in time to become the first winner of the Ted Williams Award.

    NBA

  • A 113-point effort from Allen Iverson led Allen Iverson's Posse to a victory over Allen Iverson's Other Posse in the Allen Iverson Summer League. The AISL, conducted in the rain on an outdoor court at Iverson's Philadelphia-area estate, was created after AI learned that he couldn't leave the premises without being arrested. With Iverson's attorney unavailable over the weekend, Allen has been allowed to wait until Tuesday before surrendering to authorities on several charges of unlawful behavior. And, judging from the size of last weekend's entourage, the NBA may charge Iverson with exceeding the posse salary cap. Anyway, after Friday's announcement that AI would be charged, the Sixers star had Saturday, Sunday and Monday to chill at his mansion. This means that, like the NBA Finals, Iverson's legal entanglements are following a 2-3-2 format. In related news, Reebok has embraced Iverson's predicament and will amend its aging battle cry. Instead of pitching product with the slogan "Life is short ... play hard," Reebok is preparing commercials that provide the following advice to customers: "Life is short ... plead not guilty."
  • On the other side of the law lurks L.A. Lakers center Shaquille "You Have The Right To Remain Silent Or At Least Mumble" O'Neal. Shaq's quest for cop duty took another step forward when he was upgraded to second class reserve officer for the port police. This has inspired one state government lobbyist to come forward with videotape of O'Neal that may lead to charges of police brutality. The incident is referred to as Game 6 of the Western Conference finals. But Shaq isn't worried about the videotape. O'Neal's just hoping that when he becomes a full-fledged cop, a call for backup does not yield an appearance from Slava Medvedenko.

    NFL

  • After 19 seasons of biting and gouging in self-defense, Tennessee Titans offensive lineman Bruce Matthews has retired from the NFL. Bruce will shift from Sunday's three-point stance to a no-point stance, although the two-a-days in August will continue. But instead of representing Titan practices, this two indicates the number of Bruce's intended daily naps.
  • The Kansas City Chiefs would like to remind their fans that cryogenics is not the study of Dick Vermeil.

    WOMEN'S TENNIS

  • The hue and cry began when competitors remained standing while producing urine samples for drug tests. Then a few female tandems reached the later rounds in mixed-doubles competition. And now, an Australian drug-testing official claims that steroids are rampant in women's tennis. This begs several questions, but here's the first inquiry I can think of: When did become Australian?

    PARTING SHOT

  • In honor of Bud Selig's contribution to the sport, the fraternity for writing about baseball has declared that the Hall of Fame Detroit Tiger will be known as Tie Cobb. Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address: rhill@foxsports.com.
  • Tagged: Titans, Lakers, 76ers, Shaquille O'Neal, Red Sox, Angels, Yankees, Rangers, Mets, Alex Rodriguez

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