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HILL: A Rocker Horror Picture Show

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Randy Hill

Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.
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He may not be able to kill a rally, but wiping out a herd of horny teen-agers seems to have been right up his alley. I call it conspired casting. They call it The Greenskeeper, a slasher film that delivers John ¿I Think I Cannes¿ Rocker in the title role. So Rocker, also a Texas Rangers relief pitcher, unceremoniously closes as leading man for this episode of The Weekend Condition. And they¿re really not kidding about this movie gig. Rocker, a friend of a friend of the producers, was hired to portray a nut job. According to Kevin Greene, one of the flick¿s producers, JR was punctual and knew all of his lines. For his turn as a maniacal killer, I would have bet anything he was ad-libbing. By the way, Rocker was chosen for the role over such sensitive personalities as Dan Issel and Charles Barkley. ¿He has a crazy persona and the character needed a wild streak,¿ said Greene, who probably contacted the Cleveland Indians to confirm that last attribute. Anyway, the movie¿s premise is damn-near intriguing: A young assistant greenskeeper invites a bunch of misbehaving teen pals to the country club for an after-hours birthday party. Enter Rocker, who — following a ¿last straw¿ experience on the subway — dresses up as a head greenskeeper and starts killing these hormone-humming youngsters. It could be the scariest thing anyone¿s seen since Rocker inherited a 2-0 count with men on base. One source who¿s never seen a tiger crouch says a storyline for the sequel is hatched when Rocker¿s character discovers he¿s made a major error: While dying, the ¿kids¿ he killed admit to being from the Dominican Republic and at least 30 years old. There¿s a lot of that going around. For the record, I think The Greenskeeper can be a big hit if it overcomes that mediocre title. My preference is The Rocker Horror Picture Show.

MORE BASEBALL

  • The Southern Baptist Convention has chosen Major League Baseball as its ¿breakthrough sport¿ for 2002. With all of the birth-certificate revelations considered, MLB seems to lead its peers in born-again participants.

    OLYMPICS

  • Salt Lake City (and parts of the world) was staggered when it was revealed that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir had been charged with blood doping before the opening ceremonies. But that was a typo. The alleged blood-doping eventually was credited to three cross-country skiers. The choir, and several other acts, were accused of lip-synching, a tactic that was being considered for Sunday¿s closing ceremonies. We do know that speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno, who experienced more crashes than my AOL connection, was not limp-synching.
  • Too bad Wayne Gretzky wasn¿t lip-synched. The Great One, mastermind of Canada¿s gold-medal-winning men¿s hockey team, was shown by NBC each time his team inhaled. This included the aftermath of a decisive, third-period goal during Sunday¿s gold-medal victory over the evil, propaganda-spewing Americans. Thanks to an NBC camera, it was a cinch to read the lips of Gretzky, who seemed to be reciting dialogue from a Richard Pryor documentary. Anyway, the Canadian men struck gold for the first time in 50 years. Good for them; I like Canada. This victory also should serve as a measure of revenge for what America¿s Stu Jackson did to the Vancouver Grizzlies franchise.

    NBA

  • The Los Angeles Lakers were rocked by a Friday morning story published in Cleveland. According to the report, Lakers star Kobe Bryant socked teammate Samaki Walker. On Friday night, Kobe¿s jumper beat the buzzer and the Hornets in Charlotte. This punch and subsequent victory contradict a common chant among NBA watchdogs: The only way the Lakers can lose is by beating themselves.
  • In their first game since Thursday¿s fortifying trade, the Dallas Mavericks thumped the Sacramento Kings. And thumbing his nose at critics is liberally spending Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. In fact, Cuban has printed each negative story and attached it to the team bulletin board. These stories are held in place by luxury tacks.

    COLLEGE BASKETBALL

  • Sunday¿s 89-89 deadlock between Maryland and Wake Forest was settled after the Demon Deacons' Josh Howard called for a timeout his team didn¿t have. So the Terps won the game, but if precedent comes into play, Josh can count on a lucrative NBA career and a few dates with Tyra Banks.
  • Top-ranked Kansas trailed by double digits during the second half of Sunday¿s Big 12 Conference game at Nebraska. But the Jayhawks rallied to defeat a lesser team, reminding us that it¿s not quite March.
  • Bobby Knight and the Texas Tech Raiders whipped Texas A&M for their 20th victory in 26 games. Maybe Bobby should bang out a treatment for his next film ¿ Season On The Drink. For the first time in a while, Knight looks capable of lasting for more than one round.
  • Add Stanford coach Mike Montgomery to the list of citizens perplexed by UCLA¿s Steve Lavin. ¿They didn¿t run any set plays,¿ Monty said after Lav¿s Bruins won in Palo Alto for the third season in a row. What Lavin¿s players were running is the ballyhooed ¿motion offense.¿ This is the very offense that¿s been championed by Lavin¿s critics, who try mustering enough chalkboard expertise to hate his 1-4 set. They should have referred to his 1-4 alignment as the ¿motion-picture offense,¿ because most Bruins embraced it as their crack at stardom. If nothing else, Lavin¿s travails are entertaining. But he¿ll need more than another victory at ¿The Farm¿ to earn a higher NCAA tournament seeding.

    NASCAR

    FOX kicked off its telecast season with Sunday¿s broadcast of the Subway 400 at Rockingham. I¿m not sure how many laps around the Rockingham oval equal one mile. But I do know that one Subway mile is the equivalent of 400 laps around the old Jared. Randy Hill can be reached at his email address: rhill@foxsports.com.
  • Tagged: Pelicans, Mavericks, Lakers, Grizzlies, Kobe Bryant, Indians, Rangers, Stanford, Wake Forest, Maryland, Howard, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Texas, Kansas

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