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PERRY: Conversation between Manning and Vanderjagt

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foxsports admin

 
   
 
After Mike Vanderjagt ripped Peyton Manning, and Manning responded by calling Vanderjagt an "idiot kicker," Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy asked the two teammates to patch things up. So, on Tuesday, Manning and Mike Vanderjagt kissed and made up after a series of phone calls. Thankfully, FOX Funhouse's Dayn Perry is here with a highly imaginative dramatization of how that phone call may have transpired. Mike Vanderjagt: (dials number) Peyton Manning: Hello? Vanderjagt: P-dog! Manning: (hangs up) Vanderjagt: (dials number) Manning: Hello? Vanderjagt: Ha, ha! Good one, bro! Manning: (hangs up) Vanderjagt: (dials number) Manning: What, loser? Vanderjagt: Hey! What¿s up, good buddy? Manning: Oh, not much. I was just watching a video tape of every loss I¿ve ever suffered in organized football. That might bother some people, but me? Nah, not old apathetic Peyton. I couldn¿t care less. After all, I¿m a veritable French army in the huddle, right? Vanderjagt: See, that¿s all I was saying! That you¿re as uninspired and unmotivated as a statue of a Sandwich Artist taking bong hits. Manning: A statue of a sandwich artist taking bong hits? Vanderjagt: Yeah, well, you know. Presumably, a statue of a guy who works at Subway smoking pot is even less emotive than an actual Subway toad toking down. Manning: Gotcha. Vanderjagt: Look, the "liquored up" comment at the Pro Bowl ... Manning: What about it? Vanderjagt: That was unnecessary, don¿t you think? Manning: Did you call to apologize or what, you Timberlake-looking buttface? Vanderjagt: Yeah, yeah ... Look, what¿s it going to take for you to let this blow over? Manning: I¿ve got some demands ... Vanderjagt: Let¿s hear them. Manning: I want you to talk like Bob and Doug McKenzie during interviews. Vanderjagt: Why, because I¿m Canadian? Manning: Bingo. Vanderjagt: So say stuff like "take off" and "hoser"? Manning: Don¿t forget "horked" and "nobk" and "boogernugget." Vanderjagt: Check. Manning: Start dating Camryn Manheim. Vanderjagt: What if she doesn¿t like me? Manning: Die trying. Vanderjagt: Next? Manning: Self-publish a book of cat poems. Actually, make it a series of poetry books about cats, cooking spices, Nora Ephron movies, hosiery and Josh Hartnett. The title of the series will be "Mike Vanderjagt Puts on His Sonnet Bonnet." Vanderjagt: That¿s already under way, actually. I dig the title though. Manning: Excellent. When you¿re booed next season, and you will be, respond in the press by calling Colts fans "a bunch of massive ¿tards who are stinky." Vanderjagt: This doesn¿t sound half-bad. Manning: Get two cats that you carry everywhere with you — ala¿ Zsa Zsa Gabor and her Pomeranian — and name them "Sissypappers" and "Thelma Houston." Vanderjagt: Hey, I like that name. Manning: Whenever you¿re interviewed by anyone on television or radio, no matter what they ask you, always repeat it back to them in a nasal, imitative whine and refrain from saying anything else. Vanderjagt: Awesome! What else? Manning: Start growing your hair out, and then get one of those "Jennifer Aniston" cuts that was all the rage in the mid-90s. Vanderjagt: And this is supposed to be punishment? Sheesh ... Manning: And, finally, commission Nike to make you some stiletto-heeled cleats with pink cat pawprints all over them. Vanderjagt: Wow, you¿re really taking it easy on me. Manning: Welcome back to the team. Vanderjagt: Thanks, beautiful. If Dayn Perry isn't careful, Mike Vanderjagt is going to slash his tires. He can be reached by e-mail at daynperry@yahoo.com.
Tagged: Colts, Mike Vanderjagt, Peyton Manning

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